[00:00:00] Welcome to the ADHD with Jenna Free podcast. [00:00:09] We are here always working on reducing ADHD symptoms through regulation work and getting out of fight or flight. [00:00:17] Our philosophy around here is we are dealing with adhd, but we're also dealing with a dysregulated ADHD brain, meaning we are in fight or flight. [00:00:27] We have two separate things we're dealing with, and we can really change this top one where we can get out of fight or flight and reduce our symptoms, because the symptoms of fight or flight and the symptoms of ADHD really mimic each other. [00:00:39] They're very similar. [00:00:41] So what's so cool is we can reduce that part of it. [00:00:45] You have an ADHD brain.
Embracing Your ADHD Brain
[00:00:46] That's the beautiful brain you're always going to have. [00:00:49] And I think it's an amazing thing at this point, especially As a regulated ADHDer, I wouldn't trade it for the world. [00:00:54] But if you're struggling right now, if you're also in fight or flight, I know it might not feel that way. [00:00:59] I know you might be thinking, f you, this is so hard. [00:01:03] I would do anything to be quote, unquote, normal. [00:01:06] But it doesn't have to be this hard. [00:01:08] It can get so much easier. [00:01:10] And when it gets easier, when we get out of fight or flight, you will find that a lot of the benefits of the ADHD brain you may have heard of, like, oh, it's a superpower.
[00:01:21] And all the the plus sides of being neurodivergent or having adhd, those start to show a little bit more when we're regulated because we're taking that hard layer off the top that being dysregulated adds. [00:01:34] So let's just give you a little glimpse into what's possible. [00:01:37] But today we are talking about acceptance. [00:01:42] That can be a tricky word because we have a lot of beliefs about what acceptance means. [00:01:50] And so we're going to go through some questions to grapple with. [00:01:53] Well, what does that really mean for me? [00:01:56] What does that mean as a person with adhd, and what does that mean as someone who's working on getting out of fight or flight and becoming regulated? [00:02:04] So the first question is, what does acceptance mean? [00:02:10] What does it mean in this context? [00:02:11] So acceptance means accepting reality. [00:02:16] I'm not even really talking about accepting your brain, accepting yourself, accepting that things are hard for you. [00:02:22] That's a part of it, but that's not really the focus here.
The True Meaning of Acceptance
[00:02:27] The acceptance I'm talking about is the acceptance of what is. [00:02:32] And today that might be the acceptance of, you know, I have a work project due tomorrow. [00:02:39] The acceptance of my house's not the way I would like it to be. [00:02:42] It's a bit messy. [00:02:44] The acceptance of that, instead of fighting with that all the time and fighting with reality. [00:02:51] When we don't accept reality, we are fighting with reality. [00:02:56] And when we fight with reality, we become dysregulated. [00:03:00] So fighting with reality looks like shoulds, coulds, ideals.
How Fighting with Reality Appears
[00:03:06] Spending so much time in our brains thinking and planning and not actually executing and taking action on those thoughts and plans. [00:03:14] It can look like an obsession with efficiency. [00:03:17] I have to do things perfectly. [00:03:18] So I'm not going to, you know, work with what I've got. [00:03:21] I'm going to sit and think about how it should be, how it could be, and really kind of getting bogged down in my head instead of looking what's around me, accepting where I am now and moving from here. [00:03:34] So I think the biggest struggle with acceptance is, is like wanting things to change. [00:03:41] Acceptance feels like complacency. [00:03:44] Acceptance can feel like permission, or it feels like we're saying, okay, this is fine.
[00:03:53] Okay, I'll just stay here. [00:03:57] And that's the barrier that we have when we're trying to regulate. [00:04:01] Because if you're fighting with reality, you are dysregulated. [00:04:04] I'll give you example. [00:04:06] So say you are sitting in your house and you're just sitting there thinking, I should be able to keep my house cleaner. [00:04:14] It should be clean. [00:04:14] I can't believe it's not clean. [00:04:16] I should have cleaned yesterday.
The Impact of Fighting with Reality
[00:04:17] I had some time yesterday and I didn't clean. [00:04:19] Okay, well, the reality is the house is dirty, but we're sitting there fighting with it, thinking, well, it shouldn't be okay, but it is. [00:04:28] So what are we going to do about it? [00:04:30] So when we fight with reality, it becomes very, you know, our system starts to freak out. [00:04:36] We start to feel unsafe. [00:04:37] It's like, but it shouldn't be dirty. [00:04:38] But it shouldn't be dirty. [00:04:39] Oh, my gosh. [00:04:40] My gosh.
[00:04:40] Oh, my gosh. [00:04:40] It shouldn't be dirty. [00:04:41] It should be clean. [00:04:43] Okay, but the reality is, you know, we've talked about our regulation skills before, and I do Recommend watching episode 1 and 2 if you haven't. [00:04:52] That's kind of the foundation of this work. [00:04:54] Okay? [00:04:55] The reality is the house is dirty, and there's parts of it I wish were cleaner. [00:05:01] That's the reality. [00:05:02] And even just saying that to me makes my body go, okay, that's.
[00:05:07] That's what it is. [00:05:09] And that doesn't mean, oh, I'm accepting that my house is dirty. [00:05:13] And it's going to be dirty forever and it's never going to get better and it's never going to get clean and I'm never going to be able to manage this in a different way. [00:05:19] And that's just how it is. [00:05:20] And I give up. [00:05:21] I think that's what we think. [00:05:23] Acceptance is a lot of the time. [00:05:25] So we will hold on to the first fight with reality.
[00:05:28] We will hold on to the shoulds and the coulds and the shame and the guilt and the fear and the urgency in order to have hope that one day this will change. [00:05:39] Because if I accept this dirty house, it'll never get clean. [00:05:44] But has that worked so far? [00:05:47] Has fighting with reality and not accepting it made it cleaner? [00:05:52] Because if I'm sitting there in my house that I want to clean and I go, it should be clean, it should be clean. [00:05:57] Oh, my gosh, I'm so horrible for this not being clean. [00:05:59] Ideally I would have cleaned it this weekend and I didn't. [00:06:01] And I'm so bad. [00:06:02] And this is. [00:06:02] So is that making the house any cleaner? [00:06:05] Is that creating the change we're wanting? [00:06:08] Of course not.
How Dysregulation Affects Us
[00:06:10] But this regulation is usually illogical, meaning when we are in fight or flight, when we are dysregulated and when we are fighting with reality, we are dysregulated. [00:06:20] Really, the keywords you can look out for, shoulds, coulds, ideals, you know, what you should have done in the past, what you should do in the future, what you should be doing right now. [00:06:30] Should means it's not happening, right? [00:06:32] But we believe that it. [00:06:34] We want it to be happening. [00:06:35] So we're fighting with reality now. [00:06:38] It's very dysregulating. [00:06:39] And when we are dysregulated, we get pushed into overwhelm, we get pushed into paralysis and we don't take any action. [00:06:45] We get into that freeze mode.
Shifting Your Mindset About Acceptance
[00:06:48] And so what we want to do is shift our minds around, what does acceptance mean and how is it a part of my journey with adhd? [00:07:01] Because acceptance does not mean complacency. [00:07:04] We are not accepting, quote, unquote, that the house is dirty for the rest of your life. [00:07:09] We're accepting that right now, in this present moment, there's clothes on the floor and I haven't swept in a while and the carpets have some dirt on them and could be vacuumed. [00:07:22] We're accepting the present moment. [00:07:24] And that's really what regulation is all about, is being more present and less focused on the future in the past, which is a very dysregulated way of Thinking. [00:07:32] Because it's illogical, right? [00:07:33] We can't do anything about the past. [00:07:34] We can't do anything about the future. [00:07:36] We can only do something about the present, but we detach from the present.
[00:07:40] I should have done this later. [00:07:41] I should do that. [00:07:42] Why isn't it clean? [00:07:45] So we want to observe how present we are, and if we're accepting the present moment or if we're making acceptance mean something else. [00:07:53] Because you can't accept the future. [00:07:56] It's not real. [00:07:57] It's not happening. [00:07:58] So accepting the present is what we want to look at. [00:08:01] So the next time when you're feeling resistant to accept acceptance, go like, well, what am I afraid of? [00:08:09] What am I afraid of? [00:08:10] If I took a deep breath and went, okay, the reality is the house is dirty.
Accepting Your Current Reality (and What’s Next)
[00:08:17] And this is still a judgment, because that's not even the reality, right? [00:08:20] It being dirty is a judgment you have, which is fighting with reality. [00:08:24] So I could go down a real rabbit hole here, but I will just say, I'll just use these words for now, because I know it's how we think. [00:08:32] The reality is the house is dirty. [00:08:34] Okay, the reality is right now, the house is dirty. [00:08:38] Maybe that's a better way to say it. [00:08:41] Now what? [00:08:44] Now what? [00:08:46] So maybe I'll sweep the floor. [00:08:49] Maybe I could vacuum the stairs. [00:08:52] Is that all of our least favorite job? [00:08:56] I will, you know, go pick up those toys off the floor.
[00:09:00] Or maybe it's acceptance of I'm so exhausted after work. [00:09:05] So the reality is the house is dirty. [00:09:07] And the other reality is I will not be cleaning it. [00:09:11] Okay, but if we're going, oh, my God, I really should be cleaning it, though. [00:09:15] I'm so lazy. [00:09:15] Why aren't I cleaning it? [00:09:16] I should be cleaning it right now. [00:09:17] Okay, but the reality is you're not. [00:09:20] You're choosing not to.
Awareness: Fight, Flight, or Freeze
[00:09:23] Or you're in freeze, right? [00:09:24] Fight, Flight. [00:09:25] Freeze. [00:09:25] Fun again. [00:09:27] The still. [00:09:27] The reality is you're not cleaning it and fighting with that. [00:09:30] Going. [00:09:31] When you're sitting on the couch with the TV on, not even watching it. [00:09:34] I was gonna say watching tv, but you're not even watching it.
[00:09:37] It's on. [00:09:37] And you're staring at it. [00:09:39] Also at your phone, maybe. [00:09:40] And your brain's like, yeah, but you should really get up and clean. [00:09:42] You should really get up and clean. [00:09:43] Why aren't you getting up and cleaning? [00:09:45] You should, should, should. [00:09:46] Ooh, I'm fighting with reality. [00:09:48] The reality is.
[00:09:50] How many times can I say reality on this episode? [00:09:53] The reality is I'm sitting on the couch watching TV on my Phone and the house is dirty. [00:10:01] That's all the reality now. [00:10:04] What? [00:10:05] And that's what I love about regulation work and this element of acceptance is it lets you then make choices from there. [00:10:14] And maybe you feel like you have. [00:10:17] There is no choice to get up and do anything about it. [00:10:20] That's okay. [00:10:21] But sitting there fighting that and freaking out in your brain about how you should, should, should, should be doing things is not going to get you moving ever. [00:10:30] It is only going to push you further into paralysis and overwhelm over time.
The Power of Presence and Action
[00:10:36] As you get more regulated and you're more connected to the present, you're more accepting of reality, you will find you are able to go, okay, yeah, it's pretty dirt. [00:10:45] It's pretty messy in here. [00:10:46] You know what? [00:10:47] I'm just gonna clean up that Lego while I watch my show, okay? [00:10:52] You might find there's a lot more action happening the more you do this work. [00:10:57] Of course, the first time you go and you work on acceptance and you're like, okay, I'm freaking out about the laundry. [00:11:04] I can see that. [00:11:05] I'm thinking about it. [00:11:06] I can see that. [00:11:07] I'm thinking about.
[00:11:08] I use laundry all the time as an example, so let me use a different one. [00:11:13] I see that I'm stuck here thinking about how I should book that doctor's appointment, I should call them. [00:11:17] And I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking. [00:11:21] The first time you go, okay, the reality is that hasn't been booked, and I'm not calling them right now. [00:11:29] And now what? [00:11:30] Maybe you might be, okay, I'm gonna dial the number. [00:11:34] Or it might be. [00:11:35] That's just. [00:11:36] Okay, I'm gonna.
Patience with the Acceptance Process
[00:11:37] You know, that doesn't seem like it's happening today. [00:11:40] I'll write it on my list for tomorrow or for next week. [00:11:43] When it maybe is more realistic doesn't mean you're going to have behavior change immediately. [00:11:48] And that's what we really want to look out for. [00:11:50] Am I impatient in my regulation process? [00:11:54] Am I thinking, oh, my gosh, well, it didn't work. [00:11:57] I accepted the reality, and I'm still sitting here on the couch. [00:12:01] Well, then you're not accepting reality because the reality is you're sitting on the couch. [00:12:05] And if you were accepting of that, there really is no problem.
How Acceptance Reduces Life's Problems
[00:12:10] That's what's so cool, is we really reduce the problems in our lives when we accept reality. [00:12:15] And again, in the long run, I promise you, you are going to be in action and doing the things you want to be doing. [00:12:23] More than you are now. [00:12:26] When you are regulated, connected with the present moment, your system's feeling safe and like, oh, I'm okay, and where do I want to go from here? [00:12:36] That's what's so cool. [00:12:39] So how can I change from a place of acceptance? [00:12:41] Right. [00:12:41] We. [00:12:41] If you're listening to this, you're probably desiring change, and I get that things maybe aren't going the way you would like them to go. [00:12:48] So, one, we have to realize how dysregulation and being in fight, flight, freeze or fawn is contributing to that.
The Role of Thought Patterns in Dysregulation
[00:12:54] So we've talked about that in first couple episodes. [00:12:58] But we can also observe how our thinking is adding to the problem judgments, the shoulds, the shame and the guilt we put on ourselves. [00:13:10] We must realize how that adds to being in fight or flight, freeze or fawn. [00:13:16] It makes us feel even more unsafe. [00:13:18] It makes our system even more on edge and in that defensive mode where we do not have proper blood flow to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for. [00:13:28] For prioritizing, planning, logical thinking. [00:13:31] Right. [00:13:32] So we're not thinking clearly when we are in this.
Overcoming Guilt and Shame to Take Action
[00:13:36] But I really should be cleaning. [00:13:36] But I really should be cleaning. [00:13:37] Okay, the reality is, you're not. [00:13:41] Where are we going to go from here? [00:13:44] So once you have your feet firmly on the ground in a regulated state, accepting the present moment, connecting with the present moment, you then do have a lot more power to take action from that place. [00:13:58] You have very little power to take action from a place of. [00:14:01] I really should be doing that. [00:14:02] Why aren't you doing that? [00:14:03] Ideally, you would have done that two days ago, and I can't believe I didn't do it. [00:14:06] I was so lazy.
[00:14:06] I can't believe I wasted Saturday and I didn't even get anything done. [00:14:09] And all I did was sit there and watch tv. [00:14:11] And how are you gonna take any action from that place? [00:14:13] You're not. [00:14:14] The thoughts themselves. [00:14:15] The dysregulation itself is taking all your energy away. [00:14:20] And now how are you going to do anything from there? [00:14:23] So the really interesting thing about dysregulation is our energy. [00:14:28] If you think of the spoon theory. [00:14:29] So the spoon theory is like, I have so many spoons of energy and I have to be thoughtful about where I use them, right? [00:14:38] Because if you use them all for just getting out of bed in the morning and just getting out of the door and just getting to work, now you get to work and you have no more energy left.
Energy Depletion & The Spoon Theory
[00:14:47] And we think, oh, my gosh, such low energy. [00:14:50] I'm Always so exhausted. [00:14:52] Yes. [00:14:52] But that is not because you can't handle doing a lot. [00:14:56] That is because being in a state of fight or flight is exhausting in and of itself. [00:15:03] The really sucky thing about that is that doesn't get us anywhere. [00:15:08] Being in fight or flight when there is no imminent life threatening danger is just like an energy suck. [00:15:13] It's like a hole in a bucket.
[00:15:14] It's useless, is draining the energy away. [00:15:17] It's using up those spoons, but you're not getting anything in return. [00:15:22] Right? [00:15:22] If you use some spoons to call the doctor and book an appointment and then do a load of laundry and then play with your kids and then, you know, taking action, that's going to feel rewarding, that's going to get you where you want to go in life. [00:15:36] You know, working on that business you want to start or doing your job right. [00:15:40] All that's going to get you rewards in this life. [00:15:44] Taking action and living in reality allows you to get rewards. [00:15:47] But being dysregulated, think of those same spoons are being used up just to exist. [00:15:55] Because inside your nervous system is like, oh my God, we're getting chased by a bear.
The Exhaustion of Chronic Fight or Flight
[00:15:59] So everything's on the defense and that internal state is exhausting. [00:16:04] That takes just as much energy as I would say even more energy honestly, because it's a very intense energy then our goal of regulation which is like doing this task. [00:16:16] Now I'm doing that task and I'm present with it and I'm bopping along. [00:16:19] That might sound very out of reach for you right now, but that is what being regulated feels like. [00:16:24] Our energy is reserved for accomplishment, for doing and some of that accomplishment is going to be fun stuff. [00:16:32] It's not all productivity, productivity, productivity and how we see it like work wise and societally, I guess. [00:16:38] But it might be like spending time doing a hobby, getting your knitting stuff out and actually knitting instead of just going like oh, I'm so exhausted, I'll just watch tv. [00:16:48] So it's like the energy can be used for enjoyment, pleasure, pursuit of things that you love instead of just going to surviving.
Regulation and Change Over Time
[00:17:00] But in a state and in a lifestyle and in a time when you are not in danger, that's so frustrating is like our system is using energy to protect against nothing. [00:17:14] And sometimes maybe you are in imminent life threatening danger and we want you to go into fight or flight, but you will be very tired after. [00:17:20] But it saved your life, right? [00:17:23] Useful. [00:17:25] When you're just going about your day and you are not physically in danger in that moment. [00:17:32] We want to be in a regulated state and accepting reality so that we can make change. [00:17:39] When you are regulated and accepting reality, you are going to find six months from now, holy shit, I have changed so much about my life and it wasn't so hard. [00:17:52] When we are in fight or flight and when we are fighting reality, we're kind of stuck in our heads thinking, thinking shoulds shame all that stuff, which is dysregulation. [00:18:01] When we're in that state, maybe you want some change so bad that you're able to white knuckle it for a short amount of time and really force yourself.
Why White Knuckle Change Doesn’t Work
[00:18:10] But that is not going to last and it's not going to last very long. [00:18:15] What we want to do is get regulated, get into a place of acceptance of the present so we can diminish how much energy is being used just to live and survive and breathe and walk and think. [00:18:32] Oh, okay, now. [00:18:35] Well, I do desire my house to be cleaner. [00:18:37] Okay, I'm going to pick away at it, do some things here, pick up the toys, might even vacuum under the kitchen table or sweep under the kitchen table. [00:18:47] I don't have to clean the whole house in one sitting. [00:18:49] It's not a sitting, but you know what I mean. [00:18:52] I could do things in a different way.
Acceptance: The Key to Moving Forward
[00:18:54] I could chug along, chip away. [00:18:58] That is what we are going for. [00:19:00] And when you accept where you are, you can then move forward from where you are. [00:19:05] You do not accept where you are. [00:19:08] You're lost, you're stuck. [00:19:10] Because the truth is you are where you are whether you accept it or not. [00:19:13] The acceptance of it doesn't like make it more true. [00:19:16] The acceptance of it doesn't give it permission to persist.
Fighting Reality Keeps You Stuck
[00:19:22] I would say the fighting of it is going to have it persist. [00:19:26] So the next time when you're thinking I really should be different than I am, I should be somewhere different than I am. [00:19:34] I shouldn't be in this place in life, I shouldn't have my house like this. [00:19:37] I shouldn't remember those key words. [00:19:40] I want you to remember. [00:19:41] Ah, not accepting where I'm at right now has me staying here longer. [00:19:50] Right? [00:19:50] Because if you're fighting against something, the reality is. [00:19:53] The reality you, whether again whether you accept it or not.
[00:19:57] So the reality is here. [00:19:59] And if you're fighting that, I like visuals so I have my two hands like pushing against each other. [00:20:03] If you're listening on the audio, okay, you're pushing and fighting reality. [00:20:08] You're at a stalemate because the reality is what it is and you're saying no, it shouldn't be. [00:20:13] And you're pushing against each other, you're not going anywhere. [00:20:17] Whereas if you're on board with reality, you ah, the reality is. [00:20:24] Maybe the reality is I'm struggling at work now. [00:20:29] What? [00:20:31] Right, we, if we can be on board with reality, then there's no more pushing, pushing, pushing.
[00:20:37] Wow. [00:20:38] We're in agreement. [00:20:39] It is what it is. [00:20:40] And again, whether you accept or not, it is what it is. [00:20:43] So let's just get on board with it because there's no winning that battle. [00:20:47] Alright, Is what it is. [00:20:48] I'm here with reality and agreement now. [00:20:52] Let's move forward with that.
[00:20:54] Let's put one foot in front of the other. [00:20:56] Where do I want to go from here if I don't want this to be my reality continuously? [00:21:02] It's reality right now, but if I don't want it to be the reality later, what change could I create from this place? [00:21:09] And I feel like this is kind of a big picture conversation. [00:21:12] This is probably not something you thought about when it comes to adhd, but that's what we're really doing here is deeper work. [00:21:19] Rewiring how we think, rewiring our nervous system, rewiring how we function in our state of being so that we can then approach life in a different way. [00:21:30] Because I could say, you know, use this tool, do this hack, practice this thing. [00:21:35] But again, that's kind of just a white knuckling it type of change where if we're not doing this deeper work of seeing things in a new light. [00:21:44] Yes, you could really work hard to make change, white knuckling it, holding on so tight. [00:21:50] But that energy, we cannot sustain that level of energy for so long.
The Limitations of White Knuckling and Fight or Flight
[00:21:54] Just like the fight or flight state. [00:21:56] Right? [00:21:56] We can be in fight or flight. [00:21:58] Yes, but your body cannot sustain that intensity forever, so you will crash. [00:22:02] Well, same with working really hard and, and kind of forcing something, forcing change, forcing behavior. [00:22:10] So look at what you are working on changing right now and think is that kind of with ease, with desire, is that the vibe you're working at it? [00:22:23] Is that the energy, is it sustainable or does it feel very like oh my God, I'm holding on for dear life? [00:22:27] Force, force, force. [00:22:29] If I do this for long enough, I will be okay. [00:22:34] That's going to drop. [00:22:35] Because no human being, ADHD or otherwise, can sustain that intensity long term.
Sustainability and Balance for ADHDers
[00:22:42] And with regulation work, what we're really aiming for here and what's going to help you thrive as an ADHD is sustainability, balance. [00:22:51] That is not where we naturally land when we are in fight or flight, when you are dysregulated, really pushes us into the extremes, right? [00:23:00] All or nothing thinking, which we will talk about at some point. [00:23:03] The frantic crash cycle, it's all about, like, way over here or way over there, and you actually do not thrive in that. [00:23:10] I know it might feel like you do because when you're in the intense is like, ooh, this feels good. [00:23:15] But it's only because you're in fight orf flight and the intensity is aligning with that state of being. [00:23:21] So it feels kind of like, good, if you will. [00:23:25] But if you get out of fight or flight, you will find, oh, steady, realistic and sustainable. [00:23:35] My gosh, gets me way further, right.
Why Sustainable Action Matters
[00:23:37] Instead of the start stop situation, which really, in our society, I'm not saying that couldn't have worked in a different world, but in our society, you will find you get a lot more rewards and life feels a lot better and you kind of get more out of life if you can act, perform, show up sustainably, meaning a little bit every day. [00:24:00] Do, do, do, do, do. [00:24:02] I'm not white knuckling it. [00:24:03] Going hard and then dropping off, that you probably have noticed in your history doesn't work. [00:24:11] So let's focus on acceptance first and regulation first. [00:24:16] This will naturally bring about behavior change and ability in your life that you didn't have. [00:24:24] We don't want to go straight for behavior change, the white knuckling at forcing it approach, because again, not sustainable. [00:24:31] And that's not what we're going for here with a regulated state.
Practicing Acceptance and Training Your Brain
[00:24:35] So as you move forward this week, I would love you to observe where am I not accepting reality? [00:24:43] And that might be. [00:24:45] We find it's a lot of the time, a lot of judgments, a lot of shoulds, a lot of coulds, a lot of, well, ideally it would be like this and like that. [00:24:53] Perfectionism, judgments, all of that is not accepting reality. [00:24:58] So practice to retrain your brain. [00:25:00] And I know this might feel like, ugh, what difference would that make? [00:25:03] But your brain has thought this way for so long. [00:25:05] Your brain has been in dysregulation and fighting with reality for so long. [00:25:10] That's just where it goes, right? [00:25:12] That's the easy path for the neurons to take in your brain. [00:25:16] Like, literally those paths are primed.
[00:25:18] Think of it as like a forest, and it is the path that's clear. [00:25:22] It's easiest to walk down that. [00:25:24] So your brain's going to go there. [00:25:26] So what we want to do is observe. [00:25:28] I see it's going there. [00:25:31] Let me practice acceptance. [00:25:33] Okay. [00:25:34] The reality is I'm sitting on the couch and there's a lot of toys on the floor, period.
[00:25:43] That's the only reality. [00:25:44] The rest of it is all the dysregulation and the thoughts you have around that it shouldn't be that way and it should be cleaner and oh my gosh, how am I going to clean one? [00:25:52] Am I going to clean that? [00:25:54] So I want you to observe and see if you can practice that interruption and just go, ah, the reality is I'm blah, blah, blah, take a deep breath and say, and now what? [00:26:11] And the thing is, you're a grown ass adult. [00:26:13] Hopefully that's who I work with as adults. [00:26:16] So I'm hoping that's who you are. [00:26:19] I could choose to clean it up or not. [00:26:21] Honestly, it's fine either way. [00:26:23] And that's the beauty of regulation, is really realizing, oh, I'm in charge here, like, I have free will and I can decide to clean it up or not. [00:26:32] No one's going to come here and slap your hand, get you in trouble.
[00:26:36] I know that's. [00:26:36] We can carry that from our childhood teachers, parents, going like, oh my God, you should be cleaning this up. [00:26:43] They use those negative motivators to get us going. [00:26:46] And the shoulds and the fighting with reality. [00:26:48] It shouldn't be this way, it should be cleaner, whatever it is. [00:26:52] And so we want to observe. [00:26:53] Ah, I don't need to bring that into my present because that's not helping. [00:26:58] It's actually gotten me really, really stuck in life, which is counterintuitive.
Why Judgment and Negative Motivators Don't Work
[00:27:02] Right? [00:27:02] And we've talked about. [00:27:03] I did talk about this in the motivators episode, which I believe was last week, so go check that out if you haven't. [00:27:10] But those motivators don't work and in fact has pushed us into dysregulation, into overwhelm and into paralysis. [00:27:19] So we really want to observe and start getting aware of that voice that's fighting with reality. [00:27:25] Just going to. [00:27:28] Is that working for me, truly, in the long run, is that helping me? [00:27:32] What could be another way? [00:27:34] And this acceptance piece is another way. [00:27:37] And this is why I really wanted to highlight acceptance of reality. [00:27:41] Acceptance of where you are, acceptance of the present moment, not necessarily acceptance of, I have adhd and I just gotta accept that because truly, when you get regulated, your experience of ADHD and your experience of your brain and what it's capable of and what it does and how it acts is going to be so different and it's going to change so much that, you know, accepting our brain, accepting that you have adhd.
Nuances of Acceptance: It's Not Forever
[00:28:05] Well, this is. [00:28:07] There's a nuance here, but accepting you have ADHD feels very, like, concrete. [00:28:11] And I gotta accept that this is the way I'm going to experience ADHD for the rest of my life. [00:28:15] And I would argue that if you are working on regulation, your experience of your ADHD brain will change over time. [00:28:23] And this does take time. [00:28:25] But don't worry too much about acceptance of, like, how you work and stuff, because that's going to morph and change. [00:28:32] It's acceptance of maybe acceptance of how you experience things right now. [00:28:38] But don't think of it acceptance as, like, a permanent thing.
[00:28:41] That's like, okay, I gotta accept this for the rest of my life. [00:28:44] No, let's just accept it for this moment, this present moment. [00:28:47] And that might be accepting brain fog. [00:28:51] Accepting, being tired, accepting, you know, that you've hit a wall. [00:28:55] For me and my clients, that's how we describe that experience. [00:28:57] Like, you're bopping along your day, things are going fine. [00:29:00] Things are going fine. [00:29:00] All of a sudden it's like, oh, I can't even think straight.
[00:29:04] Like, I've hit a wall. [00:29:05] It's a real difference between before and after. [00:29:07] And I will say I have that a lot less often the more regulated I become and the more I do this work. [00:29:12] But that's a reality. [00:29:14] And it might be the acceptance of that, right? [00:29:16] Instead of like, oh, my God, I shouldn't have this brain fog. [00:29:18] I should be more energetic. [00:29:19] I should, should, should. [00:29:21] Okay, the reality is your mind isn't clear right now.
[00:29:28] Now what? [00:29:29] And maybe that's okay. [00:29:30] I'm just gonna have to work a little bit more slowly because I still need to. [00:29:33] I still am going to choose to get this work done, for example. [00:29:36] Or it might be, if you're able to make that choice, you might say, okay, well, you know what? [00:29:40] I'm going to do the kind of more menial, mindless tasks today and tomorrow. [00:29:46] Hopefully I'm fresher and can do that stuff tomorrow. [00:29:48] Because right now, the reality is my thinking isn't really, like, the best it could be. [00:29:54] And I absolutely get that. [00:29:56] I record this podcast Monday mornings for a reason.
[00:30:00] You're listening to it a few Mondays later that I recorded it. [00:30:04] But I do record my podcast Monday mornings. [00:30:06] Because the reality is that is when I'm the clearest, that is when I'm able to ramble like this. [00:30:12] Hopefully you like it and it's helpful, but I'm able to think more clearly and make these connections and communicate this a little better on a Monday morning. [00:30:20] Than I am like a Thursday afternoon after a bunch of calls with my groups. [00:30:26] So acceptance also has us work with ourselves instead of fighting, fighting, fighting against what is. [00:30:34] So enjoy that this week. [00:30:36] Enjoy the awareness, enjoy exploring all of this work.
Curiosity Over Judgment
[00:30:40] Every single thing I talk about each week really will benefit if you can adopt a mindset of curiosity over judgment. [00:30:50] Because the judgment again, right? [00:30:51] It's fighting with reality. [00:30:52] But the curiosity is, huh, Isn't that interesting? [00:30:56] Wow. [00:30:57] I feel a lot of resistance to accepting that my house is dirty. [00:31:01] What's that about? [00:31:02] Right? [00:31:03] Looking a little bit deeper. [00:31:05] Because with ADHD, we can really slap on a lot of labels and go, that's just how it is. [00:31:09] Those are just the symptoms. [00:31:10] I just go into paralysis.
[00:31:12] I just have a lot of negative self talk. [00:31:14] I just have executive dysfunction. [00:31:16] That's just how it is, period. [00:31:19] And then we don't look any deeper and go, well, what's that about? [00:31:22] What's underlying that? [00:31:23] Why is that? [00:31:24] And I find with, you know, my group members and my clients, there's always something more. [00:31:29] It's like, but why that thing? [00:31:31] Why is that dysregulating for you? [00:31:33] Why is. [00:31:33] Why is that hard to accept? [00:31:35] And we go deeper, we find beliefs or we find thoughts or we find dysregulation. [00:31:38] That's like, ah, I see what's really going on there. [00:31:42] It's not just, you know, my brain is negative to me.
[00:31:46] I have a lot of negative self talk. [00:31:48] Just how it is. [00:31:50] Why? [00:31:51] Well, I just can't accept reality. [00:31:52] But why not? [00:31:53] Like, what's happening there that's preventing that? [00:31:55] Because it's possible. [00:31:57] It's. [00:31:57] All of this work is possible for every single human being. [00:32:01] But some people might have a lot of barriers that we need to work through, but those barriers aren't always going to be super obvious and aren't always going to be right at the surface. [00:32:08] Sometimes they might be a little bit lower down.
Reflecting Between Podcast Episodes
[00:32:10] So when you do this work, when you think about this stuff in between episodes, really want you to think, what's that about? [00:32:18] Isn't that interesting? [00:32:19] Even when things aren't going the way you would like, right? [00:32:22] Even if your brain is really stuck in fighting with reality is not accepting, instead of going, oh, my God, I'm so bad. [00:32:29] I should be working on exceptions, right? [00:32:30] The dysregulation can really layer on itself. [00:32:34] We want to think, isn't that interesting? [00:32:37] What's that about? [00:32:38] What's going on there? [00:32:40] It's like curiosity. [00:32:42] You are the scientist and your brain is the science experiment. [00:32:45] And we won't say, well, when I do this, what happens? [00:32:47] When I do that, what happens? [00:32:48] Huh? [00:32:49] And observing, accepting what's going on. [00:32:54] All right, thank you so much for tuning in this week. [00:32:57] Of course. [00:32:58] Please rate and review the podcast.
Outro: Support & Free Resources
[00:32:59] That helps a lot if you are enjoying it. [00:33:02] To get it out there and to support the podcast, you can also get your free guide in the link in the show notes. [00:33:09] If you haven't gotten that yet, it can really help visualizing this work a little bit better and having it written out and visual. [00:33:16] There's also a video of me on that free guide walking you through the PDF if you don't want to read it on your own. [00:33:22] I still walk you through it, but then you can see it and sometimes seeing this stuff really helps. [00:33:26] I know for me, I'm a visual learner. [00:33:28] Even if you're watching the video of this podcast, it's just me talking, which might be more helpful, especially because I think it has caption abilities and all that. [00:33:36] But the diagrams, the visuals, seeing it written on a piece of paper or a screen can sometimes be even more supportive of this work.
[00:33:45] So be sure to grab that and we will talk to you next week.
