Why ADHD Perfectionism Is a Defense Mechanism
You know that feeling when you have something important to get done, and instead of just doing it, you spend three times longer on it than anyone else would? Or you don't start it at all, because if you can't do it perfectly, what's the point? That's your nervous system running on defense, and it's exhausting.
ADHD perfectionism gets misread all the time. Most of us grow up thinking we're just detail-oriented or that we care about doing things well. But when perfectionism leaves you stuck, depleted, and further behind than when you started, it's not a personality trait. That's a symptom of dysregulation, and understanding that difference changes everything.
This episode is about why ADHD perfectionism is really a defense mechanism, where it comes from, and what it's quietly costing you.
Here's what we cover:
Why ADHD perfectionism is rooted in fight or flight, not high standards, and what your nervous system is actually trying to protect you from
How the fear of failure and rejection sensitive dysphoria are driving the impossible bar you keep setting for yourself
Why the first 20% of your effort gets most of the results, and what the other 80% is really costing you
How ADHD paralysis, avoidance, and procrastination connect back to perfectionism as a defense mechanism
Why low self-esteem and the need for control keep the perfectionism cycle running, and how dysregulation is the root of all of it
What it truly looks like to challenge perfectionism, and why pressing send on that "good enough" email is nervous system work
How dropping perfectionism doesn't mean lowering your standards, it means doubling your capacity
This one is for you if you've been telling yourself you're just a perfectionist, wondering why you're always behind despite working so hard, and quietly burning out trying to hit a bar that was never meant to be reached.
"Perfectionism is a defense mechanism first and foremost. When we think, oh, that's just part of my brain, that's just who I am, it is not."
Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is where the deeper internal work lives. Available wherever books are sold, and yes, your library even has it.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
[00:00:00] Foreign. [00:00:07] Welcome to the ADHD with Jenna Free podcast. [00:00:09] Today we are talking about perfectionism. [00:00:12] How does this relate to being a fight or flight? [00:00:14] How does this relate to adhd? [00:00:16] I'm sure you feel that in yourself and you know that that's something you deal with. [00:00:20] But what do we do about it? [00:00:22] How is it helping? [00:00:22] How is it hurting? [00:00:23] We're going to dive into all that. [00:00:25] So firstly, perfectionism. [00:00:26] What is it? [00:00:27] It is the idea that I need to do things perfectly in order to do them at all. [00:00:31] So some people have the saying like, anything worth doing is worth doing well or anything worth doing is worth doing perfectly or doing our best.
Is Perfectionism Actually Effective?
Jenna Free [00:00:39 - 00:01:18]:
[00:00:39] But is that true? [00:00:41] Does it actually work for us? [00:00:43] Is that an effective way to go through life? [00:00:45] And why are we perfectionists as ADHDers? [00:00:49] So I think we can feel that perfectionism is a positive thing. [00:00:56] Off the bat. [00:00:57] Perfect is in the name. [00:00:59] That can't be a bad thing, right? [00:01:01] We just have really high standards. [00:01:02] We just want to do everything well. [00:01:04] Is that true? [00:01:06] When we are in fight or flight, there's a lot of things you're going to do that you may not have realized why you were doing them up till now. [00:01:15] You just might think, well, that's just the way I am. [00:01:17] I'm just a perfectionist.
Perfectionism as a Fight or Flight Response
Jenna Free [00:01:19 - 00:02:06]:
[00:01:19] It is actually because you're in fight or flight. [00:01:22] When we are in fight or flight, we feel unsafe and everything we do radiates out from there and affects our behavior. [00:01:29] And perfectionism is a part of that. [00:01:32] So prior to this episode we've been talking about, you know, the rush, hammering everything out, trying to get it over with, being physically rushed or mentally, you know, your thoughts rushing, that's kind of the filter fast end of the spectrum. [00:01:46] But then we also have this like bog down, stuck end of the spectrum of fight, orf flight, which perfectionism is a part of it is that bog down. [00:01:55] Oh my God, I have to do this perfectly. [00:01:57] Getting lost in the details, not able to keep things moving. [00:02:01] Which regulation is really about having a nice regulated cadence to life.
Jenna Free [00:02:07 - 00:03:00]:
[00:02:07] I like to think of a metronome, right? [00:02:08] It's like, okay, moving along. [00:02:11] We're not rushed, but we're also not bogged down and lost in the heaviness, the intensity, the details. [00:02:19] So perfectionism is a defense mechanism first and foremost. [00:02:23] You need to identify that. [00:02:25] If you think just the way I am, just how I am, haha, just like to do things really well, we can't get unstuck. [00:02:33] And so the first place to start is really looking. [00:02:36] What are the outcomes of My perfectionistic tendencies, how do I actually create results through perfectionism? [00:02:45] And here's how it usually goes. [00:02:48] Either you end up not doing it at all or not finishing it and not handing it in because you couldn't do it how you wanted to do it, or you have spent three times longer than anyone else has on it and handed it in when that wasn't necessary.
The Cost of Perfectionism
Jenna Free [00:03:01 - 00:03:54]:
[00:03:01] Right. [00:03:01] Often the first, I think they say the first 20% of our efforts into something gets us the most results. [00:03:07] And then the last 80% is just like icing on the cake. [00:03:11] So you may have worked so hard on something, you handed it in. [00:03:15] Say it's a work project or something, you're so depleted now you can't work for two more days or you're such a so tired at work not accomplishing anything, can't focus because you just had to do that thing perfectly. [00:03:30] And of course another result we get is perfect doesn't exist. [00:03:34] So we can get a lot of disappointment, a lot of frustration, a lot of, you know, self esteem lowering because you can never reach perfection that doesn't exist yet. [00:03:44] We are trying to reach a target that's impossible again and again and again and again and again and thinking, why do I always fail? [00:03:50] Why am I never good enough? [00:03:52] Well, you're measuring yourself against something that's impossible.
Jenna Free [00:03:54 - 00:04:44]:
[00:03:54] You will always lose. [00:03:56] You can never do anything perfectly. [00:03:58] And in fact you rarely need to do anything even close to perfectly. [00:04:02] And we're wasting a lot of energy. [00:04:04] So why is it a defense mechanism? [00:04:06] I'm going to share a little bit about why your system is doing that to keep you safe because you're in fight or flight. [00:04:12] So first is a fear of failure and criticism. [00:04:16] So if I am so precious about this, if I make sure I don't make any mistakes, I am less likely to fail or be less likely for someone to criticize me. [00:04:31] And you probably know about rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria, or that feeling like when you have any criticism, feedback, even perceived criticism, it can feel so dangerous, really scary and really painful.
Perfectionism: Fear, Control, and Internal Expectations
Jenna Free [00:04:44 - 00:05:06]:
[00:04:44] And that's because it's just very heightened dysregulation. [00:04:47] And so when we get bogged down in perfectionism, we're trying to avoid that. [00:04:51] We're trying to avoid failure, we're trying to avoid criticism. [00:04:54] It is an attempt at control, of course. [00:04:57] Does it really work? [00:04:58] No. [00:04:58] Again, we can't do anything perfectly. [00:05:00] I'm sure there's always going to be areas we can grow, always going to be areas where we can get feedback. [00:05:04] So no matter how hard you Try.
Jenna Free [00:05:06 - 00:05:47]:
[00:05:06] It's not going to prevent any failure or criticism from ever happening, but it's very, very hard work and very draining. [00:05:15] So is it really not good bang for our buck energy wise? [00:05:18] So it is a defense mechanism because we are avoiding the pain of failure or the shame of not meeting expectations. [00:05:27] And the real thing I've noticed with ADHD years is our expectations. [00:05:30] I get it. [00:05:31] We live in a world that expects a lot, full time work, demanding bosses, all that stuff. [00:05:36] But the deepest expectations come from within. [00:05:40] I have found for ADHD years. [00:05:42] We are trying to hit this bar that is so high, so rare to reach it.
The Internal Bar of Perfection
Jenna Free [00:05:47 - 00:06:16]:
[00:05:47] But we are holding that bar up. [00:05:49] There we are. [00:05:49] We could decide to bring the bar down to a realistic place where we can jump it every single day. [00:05:54] But instead we have this bar that is so high that we're not reaching it a lot of the time. [00:05:59] And then we're getting frustrated, then we're getting more dysregulated and round around we go. [00:06:04] So I really want you to observe. [00:06:05] Ah, is this perfectionism really in response to external expectations? [00:06:11] Be very honest with yourself because sometimes we can say, oh yeah, my boss just wants me to be perfect. [00:06:16] Hmm.
Jenna Free [00:06:16 - 00:06:42]:
[00:06:16] Have they actually said that? [00:06:18] A lot of clients I work with are like, oh, but I feel like I'm behind, but I feel this, but I feel that. [00:06:23] And I say, well, what have people at work said? [00:06:25] What have your bosses said? [00:06:26] Oh, they say I'm doing a fine job, a great job. [00:06:29] Okay, okay. [00:06:31] So where is this coming from? [00:06:32] Inside. [00:06:33] Right. [00:06:33] It's a defense mechanism. [00:06:35] We're overcompensating because we feel inside unsafe. [00:06:39] We're thinking, oh my gosh, I have to do the most to protect myself.
Reality Versus Perceived Danger and the Role of Fight or Flight
Jenna Free [00:06:43 - 00:07:12]:
[00:06:43] But that probably not reality. [00:06:45] That is probably not truly the case. [00:06:47] Just like when we're in Fight or flight, it's very rare that you're truly in reality in imminent life threatening danger. [00:06:53] When we're working, when we're, you know, in day to day life, you're, you're typically very safe and your body is not connecting with that reality. [00:07:02] Same here. [00:07:02] You're not connecting with the reality that you're doing a perfectly fine job. [00:07:06] Nobody's mad and everything's fine. [00:07:08] And even if you do get criticism or feedback, that is not life threatening.
Jenna Free [00:07:12 - 00:07:51]:
[00:07:12] Right. [00:07:12] Our system is perceiving that as life threatening. [00:07:16] That's why we really want to get out of Fight or flight. [00:07:18] Because God, that alarm system, that fight or flight alarm system is useful until it goes off over everything, over the to do list, over any criticism or feedback over, you know, making a mistake over being late for something. [00:07:33] Are the alarms going off like, oh my God, danger, danger, danger. [00:07:36] Well, the alarm stops working when it's going off all the time. [00:07:39] Even a really good example was I went to Walmart the other day and this lady in front of me, she like beeped when she was going out of the self checkout area and then she beeped going out the door and everyone's just like, go ahead. [00:07:49] Like all the workers were like, don't worry about it.
Jenna Free [00:07:51 - 00:08:16]:
[00:07:51] So obviously their alarm system is not working. [00:07:53] If when it goes off they don't even care anymore. [00:07:56] They don't even listen to it because it goes off so often, obviously it's faulty so it becomes useless. [00:08:02] So if your alarm system is going off all the time, danger, danger, danger. [00:08:07] This is dangerous and that's dangerous. [00:08:09] Now it's useless. [00:08:10] Now it's hurting us, not helping us. [00:08:12] So that's just something to be aware of is like, ooh, am I feeling in danger over every little thing.
Seeking Control Through Perfectionism
Jenna Free [00:08:17 - 00:09:03]:
[00:08:17] That's how we know we're in fight or flight. [00:08:20] So control and certainty, at least the illusion of control and certainty is another reason why perfectionism is a defense mechanism for us when we're in fight or flight. [00:08:30] So it offers a sense of control and certainty in a world that often feels unpredictable. [00:08:35] So if I do this really well that it's, you know, less scary. [00:08:39] You know, a lot of times as ADHD years we'll think, well, well I can do it better. [00:08:43] So I'm not going to delegate, I'm not going to ask for help, I'm not gonna. [00:08:46] That is a need for control and a fear based thing that maybe isn't helping you. [00:08:53] Because if you're at work not able to delegate, not able to share the load, and probably also saying yes to other things people are asking of you because people pleasing is another defense mechanism.
Jenna Free [00:09:05 - 00:09:42]:
[00:09:05] My God, life is so much harder than it needs to be. [00:09:07] Even your job. [00:09:08] This is just kind of a tangible thing to think about. [00:09:11] How much easier could your job be if you were not in a fear based defensive mode all the time where, oh, I don't need to be perfect, I know I'm safe if I do my best, you know, do a good job within reason. [00:09:24] Let's be logical here. [00:09:26] How much time really makes sense to delegate to this? [00:09:29] I don't need to get lost in the details. [00:09:31] It's good enough, send it out right. [00:09:33] Typically you are going to thrive in work when you have that attitude more so than like, oh my God, I'm going to do everything amazingly well and I'm going to work late and I'm going to work extra hours.
Jenna Free [00:09:42 - 00:10:09]:
[00:09:42] I'm going to take on extra work. [00:09:44] You're actually not going to get as far with that mentality. [00:09:47] And your results are not in life are not going to be as good. [00:09:51] But it's a hell of a lot more work. [00:09:53] And that's why I really love regulation work is it's less work, less, more positive outcomes. [00:09:58] All right. [00:09:59] Self criticism and low self esteem can also be another reason perfectionism. [00:10:04] So we don't feel good enough, so we need to overcompensate.
Overcoming Perfectionism and Achieving Regulation
Jenna Free [00:10:09 - 00:10:33]:
[00:10:09] It's very like coming from inside the house, if you will. [00:10:11] I criticize everything I do. [00:10:14] I have low self esteem. [00:10:16] I don't feel good about myself because I feel unsafe. [00:10:20] Right? [00:10:20] It all comes back to safety. [00:10:22] I feel unsafe just being good. [00:10:24] I have to be the best or I'm not worthy to be at this job or to have this life or whatever it is. [00:10:32] So we want to observe.
Jenna Free [00:10:33 - 00:11:10]:
[00:10:33] Ah, I'm trying to protect myself by, you know, finding every mistake and, and correcting it before, you know, anyone else might see it. [00:10:45] So I want you to think of perfectionism when it's coming up for you, when you notice you're bogged down, when you notice you're not just sending that email, when it's probably good enough, you know, you're not getting that work project moved along. [00:10:56] You're not even say, you know, sweeping the floor and saying, okay, good enough, I got the most of it. [00:11:01] Moving on. [00:11:02] It's like getting very bogged down. [00:11:04] So particular, so perfectionistic. [00:11:07] Ooh, I'm putting my walls up. [00:11:09] I'm in defense mode.
Jenna Free [00:11:11 - 00:11:59]:
[00:11:11] Just that awareness alone is going to have a huge impact. [00:11:14] That is going to be an amazing start. [00:11:16] So one start being aware of perfectionism as a defense mechanism. [00:11:20] This is me trying to keep myself safe in a world that we know is safe. [00:11:26] That is the exhausting, exhausting part about dysregulation is we are working, putting a lot of our daily energy into defending against something that isn't there. [00:11:38] Shit, that's a real kind of waste of our time, right? [00:11:41] It's like, it's like if you spent all your time building a wall to keep the monsters out, but there was never any monsters. [00:11:47] It's like, oh my God. [00:11:48] That energy could have gone to creating things that you love or living a life you love or doing things that are actually productive instead of spending all your energy just defense mode against nothing.
Jenna Free [00:11:59 - 00:12:29]:
[00:11:59] That's what sucks? [00:12:02] It's almost kind of funny when you break it down, but I know it's not. [00:12:04] I know it doesn't feel that way when you're in it. [00:12:07] So once you become aware, then something else you can do is, how can I challenge this perfectionism? [00:12:14] That's going to be hard. [00:12:17] Regulation work isn't easy. [00:12:19] It's easy in that it's simple, right? [00:12:22] We're not here. [00:12:23] You don't have to solve big math problems or spend hours and hours a day figuring things out. [00:12:26] We're just. [00:12:27] It's a lot of awareness noticing.
Jenna Free [00:12:29 - 00:13:13]:
[00:12:29] It's hard, though, because you are going against a system that thinks it's in danger. [00:12:35] And we're here to say you're safe. [00:12:38] You do not have to spend 30 minutes writing this simple email. [00:12:44] You're good. [00:12:45] Let's just get the point across, answer the question and press send. [00:12:50] So to challenge that perfectionism is, you know, you're gonna feel awkward pressing that send button. [00:12:57] It's going to feel nerve wracking, but it's also going to become freeing the more you do it and realize, oh, this is like getting to the point. [00:13:05] I'm accomplishing my goal of answering their question or getting them their information, but I'm not spending so much time on it.
Jenna Free [00:13:13 - 00:13:51]:
[00:13:13] I'm not spending a huge chunk of my work day delaying other work and then feeling overwhelmed because I haven't gotten enough done. [00:13:19] Oh, but that first email you send, quote, unquote, imperfectly, is going to give you anxiety, right? [00:13:27] Because anxiety is dysregulation. [00:13:30] I'm afraid I need to protect myself. [00:13:32] I'm gonna worry because I'm unsafe. [00:13:35] But you're not. [00:13:35] You're perfectly safe. [00:13:37] And I promise you, life is going to feel so much better and be so much less work and be so much less overwhelming. [00:13:44] When you are dropping the perfectionism, remember, it is impossible to achieve.
Letting Go of the Need for Perfection
Jenna Free [00:13:51 - 00:14:13]:
[00:13:51] And I think that can be a good motivator. [00:13:53] Right? [00:13:53] It's like, but I want to be perfect, but I want to do everything really well. [00:13:57] You never will. [00:13:57] You can do things really well, obviously, but you'll never be perfect. [00:14:01] You'll never do anything perfectly because you are not a robot. [00:14:05] You're a human. [00:14:07] Honestly, that's like 90% of this podcast is reminding you, you are not a robot. [00:14:12] You are not a machine.
Jenna Free [00:14:14 - 00:14:56]:
[00:14:14] You are a human being with feelings and imperfections and your brain is not a computer. [00:14:21] And that's allowed. [00:14:23] That is okay. [00:14:25] Just like neurotypical people, you are a human being. [00:14:29] What's so funny? [00:14:31] And I find very Endearing. [00:14:32] I don't know why is ADHD years we kind of have these two hands that we hold things in. [00:14:40] It's like this hand of like, I suck, I'm horrible, right? [00:14:43] Self criticism, low self esteem, I feel unsafe, I'm not good enough. [00:14:46] But also this hand of like, I should do everything well and everything perfectly and I should hammer stuff out and I know my potential and I know I'm really great and really smart and really awesome and could achieve great things.
Jenna Free [00:14:56 - 00:15:49]:
[00:14:56] So I need to work really hard and if I'm not doing my absolute best, I'm a piece of shit. [00:14:59] So like what, how we have these two opposite things at once and so it's realizing, oh, actually the way I'm doing everything is perfectly fine, right? [00:15:12] It is what it is. [00:15:13] And of course we're always growing, we're always going to be getting better. [00:15:19] It doesn't mean how you're doing things now and how you do everything is how you're always going to do it, especially if you're disregulated, if you are in fight or flight, the way you do, a lot is going to change and get better over time. [00:15:31] But the way to start and the way to get there is to realize I'm safe right now. [00:15:39] Even not being perfect, I'm safe. [00:15:42] Just answering this quick question on this email and sending it off. [00:15:46] And if you email me, you will find you get a timely response from me.
Jenna Free [00:15:50 - 00:16:09]:
[00:15:50] But it's simple, I don't go on and on, right? [00:15:54] I'll say, hi, thanks for reaching out. [00:15:55] Here's the info you asked for. [00:15:57] Let me know if you have any questions. [00:15:59] Almost always right. [00:16:01] If, obviously if a client asks a question, I'll answer more, but it's really just like stream of consciousness. [00:16:05] Here's my thoughts. [00:16:06] Send. [00:16:06] I'm not going to ruminate over an email.
Jenna Free [00:16:10 - 00:17:05]:
[00:16:10] It's just not important enough. [00:16:11] And when you get regulated, you realize, oh, a lot of this is very small potatoes. [00:16:15] I need to be moving along in a nice regulated way again. [00:16:19] We're not rushing and frantic, but I'm also not bogged down in these small things. [00:16:25] And so when, when we're, when we start letting go of perfectionism, when we release the rigidity and the intensity of that just through awareness and practicing challenging it, which will be through, you know, doing things just the basics stop when you're, you know, when you think, oh, I could work on this for another hour, maybe it's good enough. [00:16:46] Just start questioning these things. [00:16:49] You are going to realize things like emails, things like texts, things like certain tasks in your work become so much lighter, they're not so draining, you're not avoiding them nearly as much. [00:17:00] I get that a lot, especially about emails and texts, that they're so overwhelming.
Practical Steps to Reduce Perfectionism in Daily Life
Jenna Free [00:17:05 - 00:18:05]:
[00:17:05] And I don't find that at all because I am regulated and realize none of them are that important, right? [00:17:12] So I'm not trying to do anything perfectly, not overly worried what people think, which is another, you know, people pleasing another part of dysregulation. [00:17:20] Obviously I'm going to be friendly and kind and be as nice as I can, but if someone misinterprets it, they can tell me, you know, I'm not going to be so overly worried about how this comes across. [00:17:28] Just be my nice, normal self. [00:17:31] And when an email comes in, obviously I don't answer emails immediately when they come in, but if, say I have five, I'm happy to go through them and go quickly, quickly, do, do, do, do, do, answer the questions and move along. [00:17:43] And if one email comes in, it requires more work. [00:17:46] Maybe I'll leave that as unread for a while until I have time later. [00:17:49] But it's this gentle approach to things. [00:17:52] When you let go of perfectionism creates a lot more flexibility in your thinking and you're going to find, wow, this task that was so daunting, I've now dialed it down 50%, but I'm still getting the benefits out of it.
Jenna Free [00:18:05 - 00:19:02]:
[00:18:05] That's why looking at your perfectionism is so important. [00:18:09] Because yes, doing that thing, the first half of the energy you put in that task was probably really fruitful, really beneficial and amazing for you. [00:18:18] But then you spent another 50% of your energy on it when you could have been done. [00:18:23] So imagine if we do that Math, take that 50% off of every task, you can now do double the amount of things. [00:18:30] And I really have found that in myself and in my clients is my capacity has grown not because I have more energy than I had before, it is because my energy is being allocated much more thoughtfully and much more effectively. [00:18:46] So instead of all my energy being poured into an email that nobody cares about, that person's gonna read it and just look for the answer to their question. [00:18:54] They probably don't care about all my preamble and my explanation and my, you know, us, we can over explain. [00:19:01] They just want the answer to their question.
Jenna Free [00:19:03 - 00:19:57]:
[00:19:03] So me putting so much energy into that hasn't helped me, but it's drained me. [00:19:08] So now I don't have more energy to do more later. [00:19:11] Whereas if we are regulated, we can be much more Logical about our actions and about how much energy we put into what. [00:19:19] So for me, I logically know, hey, getting my emails, like, responded to in a timely manner is more effective to my experience of life than writing these really well thought out, immaculate emails that are very, like, detail oriented. [00:19:35] And what's really, really interesting, the past two weeks I have found this, like, a weird amount every time someone emails me and I reply back, you know, in a timely manner, typically in a very short way, like, hey, thanks for reaching out. [00:19:48] Like I said, here's your info. [00:19:50] I have gotten probably five people in the past week respond to me saying, thank you so much for your quick response. [00:19:55] Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly.
Jenna Free [00:19:57 - 00:20:30]:
[00:19:57] People appreciate us being timely more than they appreciate all the detail in the perfect email you've sent. [00:20:04] That's not to say that you should feel bad for the way you've been doing things. [00:20:08] No, but we just want to realize, oh, the way I behave and the way I do things is fueled by fear. [00:20:18] The way I do things is fueled by being in fight or flight. [00:20:20] And perfectionism is one of those things. [00:20:22] You are. [00:20:23] That's not just the way you are, and that is not just the ADHD brain. [00:20:28] That awareness right there is so big.
Jenna Free [00:20:31 - 00:21:20]:
[00:20:31] We need to understand that. [00:20:33] Because if you don't, you just keep going with it, right? [00:20:36] And in this work, in this podcast, we're going to keep talking about how, honestly, a lot of what you experience and label right now as ADHD is actually being in fight or flight. [00:20:46] And that awareness, that breaking apart of the idea of what is it, ADHD brain and what is dysregulation is so much freedom in and of itself. [00:20:54] Because perfectionism, that's coming from a root of fear that is not coming from your brain naturally. [00:20:59] Avoidance, procrastination, kind of the same thing. [00:21:04] Distractibility, irritability, paralysis, overwhelm, all of those are coming from fight or flight. [00:21:13] You know those posts when someone will be standing there and they're like jerking back and forth, almost like malfunctioning, like, I can't decide what to do. [00:21:19] So now I'm stuck here.
Recognizing and Reducing Dysregulation
Jenna Free [00:21:21 - 00:21:48]:
[00:21:21] That is dysregulation. [00:21:23] That is being a fight or flight. [00:21:24] That is not just how you are. [00:21:27] Because I was like that for, you know, if we're counting from when I was born, 32 years, and now I'm not like that. [00:21:35] I have not experienced paralysis in a good two years. [00:21:39] When I was like in paralysis for days, weeks, months. [00:21:43] I remember six months of my past coaching business. [00:21:47] I was an intuitive Eating counselor.
Jenna Free [00:21:49 - 00:22:10]:
[00:21:49] Six months. [00:21:49] I was like on the couch. [00:21:52] Couldn't post anything, couldn't do anything. [00:21:55] My energy was so dead. [00:21:59] It was so rough, and it was paralysis. [00:22:02] It was overwhelm. [00:22:04] It was crash, burnout. [00:22:06] Two years I've been plugging along.
Jenna Free [00:22:10 - 00:22:52]:
[00:22:10] So I just say that and I remind you of these things to give you a vision of, oh, my gosh, maybe dialing it down is what I need, maybe not trying harder, which I think as adhders, we feel like I'm behind, I'm failing, I'm too slow. [00:22:25] And so we push harder, when in fact what we need is to dial it back. [00:22:32] I just need to not work so damn hard. [00:22:34] Because you are working so hard. [00:22:36] Because you are afraid for your life. [00:22:38] Not cognitively, not consciously, but primally. [00:22:41] Like your system, your nervous system, your subconscious, all this part of your animal self, because we are animals, after all, is in a state of defensiveness. [00:22:51] Oh, my God.
Jenna Free [00:22:52 - 00:23:17]:
[00:22:52] Oh, my God. [00:22:52] Oh, my God. [00:22:52] Imperfectionism, that's one of the little roots that disregulation takes one of the branches in the tree, right? [00:22:58] The root ball is disregulation. [00:23:00] The branch is perfectionism. [00:23:02] When we think, oh, that's just part of my brain. [00:23:04] That's just who I am, it is not. [00:23:07] We can trim that tree. [00:23:09] If we go to the root of fight or flight and dysregulation, you really can affect so many of the symptoms, and that's what we're here to do.
Action Steps for Listeners
Jenna Free [00:23:18 - 00:23:53]:
[00:23:18] So as you move forward this week, I want you to observe where is perfectionism coming up and what does that feel like for you? [00:23:24] You probably notice it. [00:23:26] How to notice it would just be when you're stuck on something, right? [00:23:29] Maybe it's generally finished, but you can't let it go. [00:23:33] Or it could also be the expectation of perfectionism is what's preventing you from getting something going, okay, Getting something started. [00:23:41] So even if it's like, oh, you know, I'm not going to start wiping the table down because then I have to clean. [00:23:46] The whole kitchen has to be perfect. [00:23:47] I have to unload the dishwasher, and then I have to load it back up. [00:23:50] Then I have to wash everything. [00:23:51] I have to empty the sink, then I have to wash everything down.
Jenna Free [00:23:53 - 00:24:22]:
[00:23:53] Then I have to wipe everything down. [00:23:54] They should really wipe down the appliances and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [00:23:57] So you don't start it at all. [00:23:58] Perfectionism isn't necessarily in action. [00:24:01] It may be in thought process, which prevents you from action. [00:24:06] I did have someone in a group who was saying, like, I never really Identified with a perfectionist because come look at my house. [00:24:10] I'm definitely not a perfectionist, but she could see. [00:24:13] Ah, but my expectations are, my thinking is it might not come out in execution or in results, but it's in there.
Jenna Free [00:24:22 - 00:25:02]:
[00:24:22] And that's probably why I have such a hard time maintaining my home, because my house is definitely not perfect. [00:24:29] Maybe one of these episodes, especially if you're watching a video take you for a tour of like here's realistic living. [00:24:36] It's not out of hand. [00:24:37] I don't feel it's out of control. [00:24:39] I feel very calm. [00:24:42] I feel like things are really handled well in my home and in my life and in my work. [00:24:47] But it's also flexible, right? [00:24:50] I have five and six year old boys and there's shit everywhere a lot of the time. [00:24:55] And there will be times when I pick it up, but there will also be times when I choose not to and just carry on with my day and both are fine.
Letting Go of Compulsions and Finding Balance
Jenna Free [00:25:02 - 00:25:43]:
[00:25:02] But when we are in defense mechanisms, when we are in that defense mode, like using perfectionism as one of those examples, it's like, oh my God, I can't work until my house is perfect. [00:25:14] A lot of people say I can't concentrate unless my house is so clean. [00:25:18] Let's not get caught in that trap because that's a safety thing. [00:25:22] Like I can't sit here with anything on the floor because I'm unsafe with that Lego on the floor. [00:25:27] Look, you're perfectly fine with the Lego on the floor. [00:25:29] It's not going to jump up and bite you. [00:25:31] You could sit there and do your work even with Lego on the floor. [00:25:35] And when you don't have a choice in the matter, I'm not going to sit here and do my very important work because I have to clean my kids Toys for the 10th time this week.
Jenna Free [00:25:44 - 00:26:03]:
[00:25:44] That's not a great allocation of our energy. [00:25:46] Yes, you'll pick it up eventually. [00:25:48] No, it's not going to get out of control where you never clean at all. [00:25:51] Not what I'm saying. [00:25:52] Regulation is all about balance and you will find that. [00:25:55] But maybe now is not the time. [00:25:57] But. [00:25:57] But if it's always the most important thing, like cleaning my house always comes before my work.
Jenna Free [00:26:04 - 00:26:39]:
[00:26:04] You may find you rarely get to your work and now your work's behind. [00:26:06] You're not doing what really, really matters and was actually going to move the needle right? [00:26:11] Picking up that lego for the 10th time this week is not going to make much change in your life. [00:26:15] Getting that work assignment done that's due tomorrow will. [00:26:18] And if you cannot choose to do your work before you clean up the Lego. [00:26:22] I'm really going deep on this example. [00:26:24] We have a problem, right? [00:26:27] Not because it's bad and wrong, but because that's probably not working very well for you. [00:26:31] And what I want for you the most is freedom. [00:26:34] Freedom to choose to pick up the Lego or do the work and not have to do one before the other.
Jenna Free [00:26:39 - 00:27:12]:
[00:26:39] And if behavior is starting to become compulsive, like I can't sit down until my whole house is clean, we know we have some fight or Flight really running the show. [00:26:49] I have to do this perfectly. [00:26:50] I cannot send this email until it's perfect. [00:26:54] If you physically can't do it, Fight or flight is running the show, right? [00:26:59] That is determining your behavior. [00:27:00] You are not deciding what to do at this point. [00:27:03] Your fear based system is at the wheel. [00:27:08] Think of yourself as a car and it's driving. [00:27:10] You're just along for the ride.
Jenna Free [00:27:12 - 00:27:33]:
[00:27:12] And that is when we can feel out of control. [00:27:14] That is when we feel frustrated. [00:27:15] That's when you're going to take tip over to paralysis and have all these ADHD symptoms and think, oh my God, what the heck's going on? [00:27:21] It's just how I am. [00:27:22] I guess I'm just a procrastinator. [00:27:25] I'm just in paralysis. [00:27:26] It's just how it is. [00:27:27] Just gotta cope. [00:27:30] No, it can get so much better.
Final Thoughts and Next Steps
Jenna Free [00:27:34 - 00:28:01]:
[00:27:34] So as we move forward, check in with that this week. [00:27:38] Be sure to grab the free guide if you haven't yet. [00:27:40] I think seeing this on paper is really going to make a difference for you and let it sink in so you can start taking action and we will go from there. [00:27:48] So thank you so much for being here today. [00:27:50] We will see you next week. [00:27:51] Feel free to come. [00:27:52] Send me a DM on social media at ADHD with Jenna Free on TikTok or Instagram. [00:27:57] If you have any questions or if this brings up anything for you, I would love.
Jenna Free [00:28:01 - 00:28:15]:
[00:28:01] If you ever have questions, I can answer them on the podcast. [00:28:03] So please come there and share what's coming up for you so we can, we can really get all your questions answered. [00:28:10] Thank you so much and we'll see you next week. [00:28:12] Bye. [00:28:15] It.