4 Reasons Behind ADHD People-Pleasing
People-pleasing gets handed the same explanation over and over: weak boundaries, or just being "too nice." Jenna hears that framing constantly, and it never quite lands because it treats the pattern as a character flaw instead of what it really is. This episode breaks down the four explanations that show up most often in ADHD spaces, why each one is true as far as it goes, and where each one stops short.
Coaches and therapists offer four explanations underneath that surface framing. Rejection sensitive dysphoria turns being agreeable into a preemptive defense against criticism. Executive dysfunction produces the automatic yes, agreeing to something before there's time to check capacity or energy. Years of negative feedback around forgetfulness or lateness turn people-pleasing into a kind of penance, a way of overcompensating for past mistakes. And the ADHD brain's search for dopamine makes saying yes feel good in the moment, even when it costs hours of overwhelm later. Every one of those explanations is accurate. None of them go deep enough on their own, which is why tips built around any single one keep falling short. Jenna walks through where each explanation comes from, and traces all four back to the same root: a nervous system that doesn't feel safe.
Here’s what’s covered:
Why people-pleasing isn't a personality trait, and what it's actually protecting against
How rejection sensitive dysphoria turns being agreeable into a preemptive defense against criticism
Why the automatic yes shows up before executive function has a say, and what time blindness has to do with it
The overcompensation cycle built from guilt over past ADHD mistakes, and why committing to more never resolves it
What's really behind the relief of saying yes, and why it doesn't survive the first hour of follow-through
Why chasing a firmer no with more willpower doesn't work
Why nervous system regulation, not more strategies, is what breaks the pattern for good
None of these four explanations are wrong. They're symptoms sitting on top of a nervous system that doesn't feel safe yet, which is why swapping one strategy for another rarely sticks. Regulation is what gets underneath them: not a single calming technique, but the work of teaching the body it's safe enough to stay present instead of scanning for the next threat. That's the throughline Jenna talks about in this episode, and it's why she reframes people-pleasing as a nervous system pattern instead of a character trait to fix.
"When we are dysregulated, you will prioritize short-term comfort over long-term comfort."
If you're caught in that yes-then-resent cycle and want to work through it directly, I'm hosting a Healing People Pleasing workshop on October 9th.
And if you're grinning and bearing your way through every yes, Jenna's free ADHD Regulation Guide is the place to start, laying out the nervous system work underneath everything this episode covers.
For the deeper dive, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation walks through the full three-layer method: body, mind, behavior. You can find it wherever books are sold, including local bookstores and libraries.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never the solution, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Listening, Repetition, and the Healing People Pleasing Workshop
Jenna Free [00:01:12 - 00:01:52]: I do believe you can't hear it enough times. So if you've listened to all the episodes, even every second week, if you go back and listen to an old one that really spoke to you, that will never hurt. So we still have all that back catalog if you haven't listened to them all. If you have, repetition will only make this work stronger in you, and you'll still be getting a new episode every 2 weeks. So don't you worry about that. And I am hosting a Healing People Pleasing workshop on October 9th at 12:00 PM Mountain Time. If this is a topic that you really want to dive into and work on healing, so you can get the information for that in the show notes. All right, let's check in with you.
Checking In With Yourself
Jenna Free [00:01:52 - 00:02:23]: How are you feeling? Are you holding your breath? Are you rushing right now? Are your shoulders around your ears? Let all that go. There's no rush. You are not being chased by a bear. You are safe. And when we're in that more regulated, calm state physically, you're really going to hear what I'm saying better. You're going to retain a lot of it. Much more easily. So it's always a good idea when you're going into something where you're learning or a work meeting, regulating first.
Framing People Pleasing in ADHD
Jenna Free [00:02:24 - 00:03:06]: Okay. So to do this episode today, I was wondering what is the angle I'm going to come at it from? And I landed on, let's see how we typically frame people pleasing in ADHD. What are we normally saying about it? Because we know it happens. So what is our explanation for it? And then of course, I'm going to bring it back to regulation. You know, I always do, but seeing how it's connected, I think can be really impactful. Here's what I found online of how coaches and therapists and people are framing people pleasing with ADHD. In ADHD, people pleasing is rarely just about being nice or having weak boundaries. So that's great.
ADHD People Pleasing as a Coping Mechanism
Jenna Free [00:03:07 - 00:04:09]: We're understanding this is a deeper issue. This isn't just Oh, I wanna be nice to everybody, of course. But instead, psychologists and ADHD coaches frame it as a neurologically driven coping mechanism and a form of behavioral masking used to navigate a world not built for neurodivergent brains. The reasoning and framing of people pleasing and ADHD generally center on 4 core areas. So the first being a protective shield against rejection, and this is The most common psychological framing that links people pleasing with ADHD, and that is rejection sensitivity dysphoria causes people with ADHD to experience actual or perceived criticism, disapproval, or rejection as intense, overwhelmingly physical and emotional pain. So the frame here is that people pleasing acts as a preemptive defense mechanism. If I'm perfectly accommodating, helpful, and agreeable, No one will be mad at me. I can't disappoint anyone.
The Role of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
Jenna Free [00:04:09 - 00:04:56]: I won't be rejected. I won't be criticized. And that is definitely what perfectionism is all about with ADHD. And so therefore, people pleasing and making sure no one's mad at us is a part of that too. But what I do find is the typical reasoning we are given never quite goes deep enough. Okay, it's a protective shield against RSD, but why do we have RSD? Well, the nervous system feels unsafe. Criticism feels unsafe. If people are mad at me, they're going to kick me out of the group, right? We want to dial it down to, if I'm a person in the forest in primal times, how would this make sense? How would this be related? Why is this happening? And you can always pull a string down to nervous system level.
Linking People Pleasing to the Fawn Response
Jenna Free [00:04:56 - 00:05:37]: So that's what RSD is about. So people pleasing. is going to be linked to the fawn response, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, which is a primal response. Someone's mad at me, it is so uncomfortable that it feels unsafe that then I get into this panic mode where I'm living my life for others. I'm doing things that I then become resentful of. I've really seen that, that resentment almost always ties to dysregulation because if you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't have done it. But because I don't want to do it, yet I feel like I have to because it's unsafe not to, now resentment builds. So that can be a little flag for you.
Resentment as a Signal and the Role of Subconscious Dysregulation
Jenna Free [00:05:37 - 00:06:26]: If you're people pleasing or the way you interact with other people, if you feel resentment, hmm, where's the dysregulation here? Ugh, I said yes when I really wanted to say no because I was worried they would be mad at me. So I prioritized, and none of this is conscious. This is all subconscious and nervous system level. So it's never our fault. But it is our job to work on it if we want it to change. Oh, I see that I said yes. My instinct and my desire was to say no, but the discomfort of that no overrode my frustration of saying yes, right? It felt so unsafe for that person to be mad at me, or the potential of that person may being mad at me, that I made a decision, honestly, all in the blink of an eye. We're not even aware we're doing it.
Awareness of Dysregulation and the Limits of Symptom Labels
Jenna Free [00:06:26 - 00:06:56]: A lot of the time. If you've been here for a while, you might start seeing your dysregulation more and more, so you are aware of it. Even if you haven't been able to change it yet, that awareness is paramount. Because here's the issue or the barrier with ADHD symptom labels. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Okay, yes, RSD, we have a label for it. That makes me feel seen, that makes me feel understood. It makes me prevent myself from blaming myself.
Digging Deeper Than Labels
Jenna Free [00:06:56 - 00:07:19]: That's all great. And it also stops the conversation. Oh, RSD, that's what that is. Okay. No further discussion. But what's underneath that? Where's that stemming from? You always want to kind of dig down to the foundation. Can you pull the string all the way to nervous system level? If you can, you're really going to find some solutions. And that's what's so exciting.
Personal Story: Becoming Comfortable With Criticism
Jenna Free [00:07:20 - 00:07:47]: Because we can get our nervous system out of a state that feels unsafe for criticism. And I'm telling you that from personal experience. In university, I would never read feedback on anything. It's like, oh, I passed, I did good enough. I don't want to know what I did wrong. I was so uncomfortable with feedback, even though, of course, that would be helpful to read that feedback, figure out what I could do next time. But I never did. I went, oh, good enough.Jenna Free [00:07:48 - 00:08:11]: I don't want to see it. Now, I don't seek negative feedback. I have a book out. I don't read the reviews because I don't want to deal with that when there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, it's uncomfortable to receive negative feedback, but the book is out. I can't go back in time and change it. So I don't really work through my dysregulation on that. I kind of just leave it be.
Developing a Regulated Response to Criticism
Jenna Free [00:08:11 - 00:08:58]: But. I have a lot of social media content and public-facing content that does get comments, and some of them are critical and negative. And as rude as some of them can be, I am so much more able to look at it and go, you know, kind of have my first defensive moment of like, how rude. But I'm quite quickly able to drop into a more regulated state where I'm like, okay, this is fine. This is not dangerous that they don't like it. I am okay. What are they really saying? And I'm sure you've heard me say this many times, but I've had a few really, even rudely framed comments that have helped me so much because I was able to put the shield down, realize, hey, someone not liking me is not dangerous. I do not need to act as if this is going to hurt me.
Appreciating Critical Feedback When Regulated
Jenna Free [00:08:59 - 00:09:31]: My primal reactions don't need to be coming out here. I am safe. Oh, that person wants some advice. Great. Created my free guide. I had someone go through my ADHD groups program and say like, hey, I would really love some affordable ongoing support. So I created my membership that now has like 125 members and gives ongoing support to so many of my clients who really appreciate it. And we dive into such rich, nuanced conversations because we've already learned the tools and now we're getting into like grappling in this work in everyday life.Jenna Free [00:09:31 - 00:10:11]: What a gift these people have given me. Some are kind comments and criticism, and some are framed very rudely, but it's so beautiful to be able to have the freedom to just, you know, I feel safe, I'm okay, I can really hear what someone's saying. Is that useful information or not? Carrying on. So if your people pleasing is coming up to protect against rejection-sensitive dysphoria, remind yourself, ah, it does not need to stay this way. It's a shield against something that I can work on and therefore don't need a shield. And that's what's so powerful about regulation work. All right. The second thing that ADHD coaches and therapists frame people pleasing as is the automatic yes and impulsivity.
Automatic Yes, Impulsivity & Executive Dysfunction
Jenna Free [00:10:11 - 00:11:07]: So executive dysfunction plays a major role in how people pleasing physically manifests in daily life. So the framing is because ADHD impacts impulse control, individuals often struggle with the automatic yes syndrome, agreeing to favors or tasks before the brain's executive functions have time to evaluate their actual capacity, schedule, or energy levels. And then it also references time blindness. So people with ADHD often struggle to accurately predict how long tasks will take. Their internal reasoning might genuinely be, sure, I can do that for you, because they struggle to visualize the future overwhelm until they are already drowning in commitments. It's not that that's not accurate, right? We can be impulsive and we can not think through like how long that will actually take, what that will entail. However, you know what increases executive functioning? Regulation. You know what decreases impulsivity? Regulation.
The Power of Regulation in Reducing Impulsivity
Jenna Free [00:11:07 - 00:11:43]: You know what decreases time blindness? Regulation. So when we work on regulation, it is going to help you, one, not be moving at such a fast pace all the time that you're in this automatic go, go, go mode. Because if I'm go, go, go and someone comes to me, oh, can you help with this? Yeah, for sure. Okay. I just got to move on. I'm busy. I'm in a rush. If I'm more regulated and living my life in more of a dee-dee-dee-dee-do kind of way, if you know, you know, that is going to give me much better chance to think things through because I'm not already in a rush when someone comes and asks me something.
Dysregulation and Prioritizing Short-term Comfort
Jenna Free [00:11:44 - 00:12:20]: I'm not trying to get this off my plate, just saying yes. You know, the people pleasing is also going to tie into this as in a way of You know, the yes is easier than the no upfront, but harder on the back end. And when we are dysregulated, you will prioritize short-term comfort over long-term comfort. So long-term comfort would be the no, right? If that's something that's authentic to you. I really would like to say no, this is not something I have time or space for. I really don't want to be doing this. Okay. So the no is like, it's a little uncomfortable on the front end because someone's going to be disappointed or go, oh, that's too bad.
The Paradox of Yes and No
Jenna Free [00:12:20 - 00:12:43]: Yeah. Honestly, most of the time they're probably going to be like, no problem. Which is kind of the funny part is the reality is almost always never what we think it is when we're dysregulated. But then you get the ease and the enjoyment and the comfort on the back end of now you don't have to do that thing you don't want to do. But when we're dysregulated, you are going to feel like that yes is easier. Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay, great.
Short-term Relief, Long-term Costs
Jenna Free [00:12:43 - 00:13:16]: Now that person's happy. They're off my back. Oh wait. Now the hard comes later. Oh, now I got to do this thing or disappoint people by not doing the thing or feel shame for avoiding the thing, whatever it is. So that is going to be changed greatly as well with regulation, is you're going to have much more bandwidth and awareness to even say, let me think about that. Another thing that's cool about regulation is both things can be true. So I can know, I can be aware that my tendency is to give a knee-jerk yes.
Increasing Awareness Through Regulation
Jenna Free [00:13:16 - 00:13:44]: While also realizing it's better if I say, I'll think about that, I'll get back to you soon, and then actually give myself a minute to think about it, even though my impulse is to go, yeah, for sure. Both can be true. I will say this has come up with me, um, a silly little example with, uh, refurbishing furniture. It's like saying yes to myself. Yes, I want to reupholster these 6 chairs. Great. I'm going to buy them and bring them home. And then they sit in my office for 6 months.Jenna Free [00:13:44 - 00:14:02]: And then when I'm at the thrift store, I go, ooh, that's a nice table. I could refurbish that. And so even to myself, my instinct is like, yes, that sounds fun. But I can simultaneously go, Jenna, that's silly. You have a bunch of chairs at home you still haven't worked on. Let's not buy anything new till that's done. Oh yes. Good point.
Experiencing Both Impulse and Logic
Jenna Free [00:14:03 - 00:14:49]: So when you're more regulated, even if you still feel that kind of automatic yes show up or know that you have some time blindness when it comes to overcommitting, that feeling can still be there with the logical awareness that that's happening, and you can kind of protect yourself from getting in those binds as often. It's really quite cool. I experience that actually quite a bit, even time blindness. There was one day where I had a call in like an hour and a half, and I was out doing errands like 5 minutes from my house, and my brain was just like, you have calls soon, you should go home. And I had a few more errands to run. I'm like, why? That makes no sense. I'm not going to go home and sit around for an hour and 25 minutes waiting. Like, I have some things I'd like to do first.
Talking to Yourself & Regulated Decision-making
Jenna Free [00:14:49 - 00:15:25]: You start having conversations with yourself. It's like your nervous system and your logical brain start talking. So you can feel like, oh no, I need to get home, while also knowing that's illogical. No, I'm not going to rush home to go sit and wait. I'm going to finish my errands while keeping an eye on the time. And calmly go home when it's more reasonable. So I promise that is a capacity you have, and it's going to greatly affect the people pleasing and the fawn response when you're aware of what's happening inside you. And that logical part of you starts to grow and becomes louder and becomes more powerful, if you will.
The Benefit of Regulation in People Pleasing
Jenna Free [00:15:25 - 00:16:17]: Like, ooh, even though I have that knee-jerk reaction, there's a bigger part of me that's kind of helping me think first. So that is a part of regulation that will really help. The 3rd way that it's framed is penance for past ADHD mistakes. So growing up with undiagnosed or struggling ADHD often means receiving a lifetime of negative feedback regarding forgetfulness, lateness, impulsivity, or disorganization. So the framing we'll often see is that many adults frame their people pleasing as a form of social penance or compensation. The underlying logic is because I'm messy, forgetful, or consistently late, I have to overcompensate by working twice as hard to make you happy in other ways so you will keep me around. Again, always go back to nervous system dysregulation. I feel unsafe.
Penance, Compensation, and Safety
Jenna Free [00:16:18 - 00:16:46]: If you don't like me enough, you're going to kick me out of the group and I'm going to waste away in the forest. That is how primal our nervous system is. And obviously that's not logical. Because here's the cycle that we get stuck in. I committed to things too fast. I committed to too much because of my fawn response and my dysregulation. So then I had too much on my plate. I physically couldn't do it all, especially when I'm dysregulated and overwhelmed.
The Cycle of Overcommitting and Guilt
Jenna Free [00:16:46 - 00:17:25]: So then I didn't follow through. So then I feel guilty for not following through. And because I feel guilty for not following through, I feel like I have to say yes to the next thing you want me to do to make up for it. But then because I have to say yes to the next thing you want me to do, I am now overwhelmed again and can't follow through on that. And round and round and round we go. So the dysregulated nervous system, the dysregulated brain will do things that make no sense. If my problem is committing to too much and to make up for that, I commit to more, I'm never going to get out of that cycle. Regulation can help us realize I do not need to pay a penance for who I am.
Ending the Penance Cycle Through Regulation
Jenna Free [00:17:26 - 00:18:09]: Getting myself in trouble, using negative motivators to get me moving, shaming myself, guilting myself won't work. It will just get me further into this hole, and I don't need to treat myself like a kid that's about to get in trouble all the time. I can manage myself mentally and emotionally like a best friend. I can be compassionate to myself. I can be encouraging, and I can rely on neutral and even positive motivators. I do not need to pay a penance. I do not need to punish myself or make up for me not being perfect. That is a lesson that comes into our awareness when we do regulation work, so that cycle can end.
Recognizing the Cycle
Jenna Free [00:18:09 - 00:18:42]: Because I'm sure you're starting to see how it's a cycle, right? I didn't do enough, so now I commit to more, and then I can't do that because I'm committed to too much, and the round and round. All right. Lastly is the dopamine and the approval loop. So the ADHD brain is chronically understimulated and naturally searches for quick bursts of dopamine. I'm just going to put a little caveat in here. You know what's blocked when we're in fight or flight? Dopamine receptors. So just saying, that in itself is going to be really improved with regulation. So you're not seeking that./h2>People Pleasing as a Dopamine Hit Jenna Free [00:18:43 - 00:19:25]: But here's the framing we normally get. Making someone else happy or receiving immediate praise provides a potent, fast-acting dopamine reward. Saying yes to a request feels good in the exact moment it is said, which rewards the brain instantly, even if it leads to chronic stress and burnout down the line. So again, we're seeing short-term focus over long-term focus. That yes and that smile on that person's face makes me feel good. Even though, you know, within 15 minutes I'm overwhelmed and feeling horrible. There's no thought process of the future. It's immediate relief over long-term fulfillment and feel-good feelings.
How Regulation Changes Our Relationship With Dopamine
Jenna Free [00:19:26 - 00:20:15]: What's really cool about regulation work is it does change our relationship with dopamine in this short-term versus long-term thing. So when we're dysregulated, when we're in fight or flight, Survival mode, meaning I literally just need to survive here. I just need to get through the day. We will seek short-term dopamine, people pleasing, scrolling, spending, all that sort of thing. When you are more regulated, yeah, we still want dopamine, but it's going to come through, you know, feeling good about yourself, doing things that serve you well, feeling accomplished, reaching goals. Being kind to others can still be such a dopamine hit. I will say I feel so good when I'm generous. So, you know, I have some people I donate to every Christmas who I know have a really difficult situation in their lives.Jenna Free [00:20:16 - 00:21:15]: I donate to certain causes. It always makes me feel good. So it's a really very selfish endeavor when I'm giving. So it's not that all that kind of giving and positive dopamine hits are bad, but if they come at a cost, we know it's nervous system running the show, not my logical brain, not my conscious mind, AKA not my regulated grounded Because if the thing I do that makes me feel good in the short term kicks my ass later, but I keep doing it, that logical brain ain't online. That's okay. We just want to be aware of it. So if you find people pleasing to be a prison for you, if you find, um, you're always walking on eggshells because you can't handle when anyone's mad at you, or even the thought of someone having a negative thought towards you, if The little things, you can't leave the house without looking a certain way and you just feel caged in by this need for everyone to like you or being so worried what everyone thinks. This can get so much better.
Breaking Free From People Pleasing
Jenna Free [00:21:15 - 00:22:09]: I'm telling you, as someone who personally came from dieting world, modeling world, my entire life was the way I looked, how people perceived me, to now, like, I am weird and I don't care what most people think. Not that I'm not human and, you know, aren't hurt by criticism and things like that. But it's just a level of freedom I didn't have before. I'm really free to do what feels right for me. And that is gonna provide a much more fulfilling, rewarding, less resentment, a more enjoyable life. If that is something you are looking to break free from, as mentioned, I am doing that Healing People Pleasing workshop on October 9th as part of my own Healing People Pleasing. 50% of the proceeds of this workshop are going to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund. So this is one of the organizations that Macklemore, um, is supporting.
Workshop, Speaking Up, and Facing Pushback
Jenna Free [00:22:09 - 00:22:42]: If you've seen everything going on lately, speaking up can be scary. Saying what you believe in can be scary. And so that's part of what I'm doing in this work. It's easier to stay neutral. It's easier to hide behind, like, I have no opinion. But of course I have an opinion on that. So speaking up for what you believe in and putting your name behind causes and things like that can be very dysregulating. I've done a couple workshops where proceeds went to different causes, and I always get pushback because people will disagree, which is mind-boggling to me in some situations.Jenna Free [00:22:43 - 00:23:12]: But, you know, people think what they think. And so anytime you speak up, anytime you say something that's not going to please everybody, that's not completely neutral. You do risk criticism. You do risk not pleasing all the people. And so that's what I'm doing right now with this workshop to kind of practice what I teach. So I'm very excited to share that as well. 50% of your contribution will be going to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund. So I'm really excited for this workshop.