How to Say No With ADHD When People-Pleasing Feels Like Survival
ADHD people-pleasing usually gets filed under personality. You're the nice one, the reliable one, the person who says yes before the question is finished. Jenna puts a different label on it: the fawn response, the most overlooked member of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. When your nervous system feels unsafe, fawn goes after approval, because somewhere in the wiring, getting kicked out of the group still registers as a threat to staying alive.
That instinct made sense when being cast out of the tribe meant dying alone in the forest. Now it gets triggered by a coworker's mildly annoyed face, and your body responds the same way. This is ADHD survival mode at work, and like all ADHD dysregulation, it falls apart the second you back up and look at the logic. Jenna shares an example from one of her groups: a text goes unanswered for too long, so the person waits even longer to reply. It makes no sense, and it happens all the time.
Fawn hides in small moments. You take on work you have no business taking on, then resent everyone who handed it to you. You hide your struggles so nobody spots a weakness. The trouble is that people keep asking the person who always says yes, and connection stays thin because people bond over vulnerability, and a mask blocks it. As Jenna puts it, to have a village you have to be someone who needs one.
She also clears up what ADHD and boundaries look like. A true boundary asks nothing of anyone else. Telling people not to ask you for help is a request; finishing your own work before you take on a coworker's is a boundary. Her favorite example is Susan, the office coworker nobody talks to until she's finished her breakfast, and everyone just respects it.
Here’s what’s covered:
What the fawn response is, and why it belongs in any conversation about nervous system regulation for ADHD
How to stop people-pleasing by slowing down before you answer, with a go-to sentence like "let me check my schedule"
How to say no when your heart is racing, and why the discomfort fades once your brain collects evidence that you're safe
Small ways to ask for help that show your system the world won't end
How to take up space, including the restaurant booth story that shows what one small ask can do
The through-line is regulation. As fawn loosens its grip, your nervous system settles, and a settled nervous system is where ADHD executive functioning starts to improve, and symptoms ease. Jenna even points out the practical payoff: after a few uncomfortable no's, you may find the job was never as overwhelming as it felt.
"You're going to be much more likely to be successful and get you what you want out of life, small or big, if you feel safe to take up space, to be a quote-unquote inconvenience, and ask things of people."
Your assignment for the week is to watch where fawn shows up, then try one small challenge and see how it feels.
Grab Jenna's free ADHD Regulation Guide to get started.
If the fawn response sounds familiar, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation goes much deeper into the regulation work behind it, including the nervous system and thinking patterns this episode only has time to touch on. You can find it at your local bookstore or library.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never the solution, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Download Your Free ADHD Guide
Jenna Free [00:00:48 - 00:01:34]: This is going to help you get started with regulation work, get those first steps, keep being very clear about what to do to get started. So grab that in the show notes and let's dive in. So fawn is the most forgot about response to feeling unsafe. We hear about fight or flight, you might hear about freeze— that would be paralysis— but fawn is one that's kind of stuck on the end there. And a lot of people are really surprised when I talk about this, that this is a part of being in survival mode as well, being dysregulated. So I did Google it. To fawn Is to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner. And in the fawn response for, you know, feeling unsafe, it's kind of like I have to appease my aggressor.
What is the Fawn Response?
Jenna Free [00:01:34 - 00:02:15]: I have to get favor by this person so they don't kick me out of the tribe, right? This is very primal. So I'm not kicked out of the group and die alone in the forest. That's what's happening in a biological sense. But this can come up a lot for ADHDers. So you might think, oh, I'm just a people pleaser, I'm not good at boundaries. Is that true, or are you just in fight, flight, freeze, fawn? So when we're in survival mode, fawn comes out to keep us safe. And in this state, we're seeing others as dangerous or seeing the exclusion from others to be dangerous. So I need everyone to need me, I want everyone to like me.
People Pleasing & Survival Mode
Jenna Free [00:02:15 - 00:03:18]: I want to be integrated into the group so I can stay safe. And that, you know, is a part of the reality historically, but that is not the case nowadays. We don't need everyone to like us in order to survive, but thrive, really. If we're trying to make everyone like us, we're in survival mode, right? This is a part of being in survival mode, is I'm going to put everyone's needs before my own. I'm going to disappoint myself before I'll disappoint other people because that's going to keep me safe. The struggle with being in survival mode in modern times is typically, hopefully, knock on wood, we are not in imminent life-threatening danger. I don't need all my coworkers to like me in order to survive and to eat and to have shelter and to be connected to people. But kind of advocating for myself, being able to say no, getting out of that fawn response will give me a really better quality of life.
How to Thrive Beyond Fawn
Jenna Free [00:03:18 - 00:03:49]: That will help me thrive. So that's the tricky part, is bringing your system on board with the current reality of your life, that you are safe. It is safe to have people not like you. It is safe to say no to things. It is safe to put yourself first. Because the thing is, when we are dysregulated, we tend to overcompensate. So the things we're doing are not logical. I've probably said that a lot in this podcast, is dysregulation is illogical.
Dysregulation is Illogical
Jenna Free [00:03:49 - 00:04:32]: It makes no sense, right? A lot of time, the response we're having when we're dysregulated is not like if you backed up and went, Okay, so what did I do to deal with that situation? It's like, what? That doesn't make any sense at all. Kind of like today, even in one of our group calls, someone was saying, oh yeah, when I have a text message come in and then I feel like it's too long that I've replied, then I will keep not replying. And it's like, well, that obviously doesn't make sense. I've waited too long to reply, so let's wait even longer. Like, that doesn't— that's not logical. But that's what dysregulation does. It has us reactive It has us hide, it has us avoid, and it has us fawn. So this is how fawn might show up for you.
How the Fawn Response Shows Up in Daily Life
Jenna Free [00:04:33 - 00:05:20]: It might be that you can't say no to much of anything that anyone asks of you, even if you're too busy to do it. It might be like, wow, I have no business doing this, this is causing me stress, I don't want to do this thing, and I can't seem to say no, right? It feels dangerous to say no. Or it might be you feel you can't take up space, you can't give your opinion, you can't ask for what you want, you can't ask for help. I don't want to bother anybody. I feel we want to feel like, oh, look, you know, I'm, I'm not going to bother you, keep me in the group. So that can come up like that. This can also include masking and hiding our struggles so not to be an inconvenience to anyone and to hide any sort of vulnerabilities. Protection mode.
Survival Mode and Protection
Jenna Free [00:05:20 - 00:05:55]: That's how we know when we're in survival mode or feeling unsafe. Our nervous system feels unsafe, so we're in fight or flight, is where, you know, you got the walls up. Whether that be masking and not really letting people in, people can sense that, right? It feels fake, right? That's when you, you're not connecting with someone, is like, you know, their walls aren't down. But we can have our walls up to really try to protect ourselves. And And we also don't want anyone to think like, oh, this person has any sort of inconvenience involved in them. They struggle with anything, they have a weakness. Oh my God, they're not part of this group. So we'll hide all of that.
Subtle Examples of Fawn
Jenna Free [00:05:56 - 00:06:45]: Or it can even look like not asking for help finding something in a store 'cause you don't wanna bother anybody. It can be on such a small level or a big level. We can also see fawn in being overly worried what other people think. What do other people think about my life? How does my life look to other people? What are other people's opinions? Are they judging me? Of course, it's very natural and normal to want people to like us, to be worried about what people think. But if it's impacting your life in a negative way, that's how we know dysregulation is present, and we want to work on that. Because when we work on the fawn, reducing that, you are going to be more regulated. And when we are more regulated, your executive functioning is going to go up. It's going to reduce your ADHD symptoms, and you're going to feel so much better.
Regulation, Happiness, and Connection
Jenna Free [00:06:45 - 00:07:22]: You're going to be happier, more productive. All by working on this stuff. So when we are feeling unsafe, like I mentioned, we're going to have the walls up, we're going to be masking, we're going to be hiding our vulnerabilities, we're not going to be asking for help. And that makes us feel safe. It feels like that's going to keep me alive. But that's how we react when we're dysregulated. But what is the truth? The truth is, if you really want a village, which I think we see a lot about online these days, You need to be a villager. To be a villager, you need to ask for help and take up space.
Building Real Connections and Being a Villager
Jenna Free [00:07:22 - 00:08:09]: I think some people think when they hear that— maybe you've heard that before, like, to have a village, you need to be a villager— and I think a lot of people are talking about, like, showing up for other people, but you probably do that enough. To be a villager, you actually need to need a village, right? Show your village that they matter to you, they're helpful to you, and you need them. Not in like a, I can't do it on my own, but like, wow, it's so great that you're a support to me. That makes people feel good, right? That connects us to other people. People connect with others who feel real, right? Not masking and fake and not showing any vulnerabilities. And we connect over vulnerability. And if we're in the fawn approach, right, it feels nice. It feels like people pleasing.
Fawn as Self-Preservation, Not Connection
Jenna Free [00:08:09 - 00:09:00]: It feels like it's about connection and helping others, but it's actually about self-preservation. So working on that is actually a really beautiful selfless endeavor, 'cause it's like, oh, I actually wanna truly connect with people and have strong connections, not just self-preservation. 'Cause it's also very lonely and isolating to be in that fawn state, ironically. I think it sounds a bit counterintuitive, but it is. So also, people respect those with boundaries. And who know what they need and what they can do, what they can offer, and what they need help with. So we might think like, oh, I'm being nice if I say yes to everything, if I take everything on. But then people are going to keep asking you because, I mean, of course, if I ask someone for help and they always say yes and they seem happy to do it, I'm going to keep asking them.
Boundaries, Respect, and Resentment
Jenna Free [00:09:00 - 00:09:32]: That's just, you know, nature. That's not being malicious or nasty or trying to take advantage. It's simply, oh, they seem fine to help. Oh, great! When I need help, I'm gonna ask. And now you're the person that everyone asks, and now you're starting to feel resentful because everyone's dumping their work on you. But that's because everyone thought it was fine because we've had that mask up, we have that wall up, we take everything on, we don't have those boundaries in place. So people will really respond to boundaries. Boundaries are a you thing, though.
Understanding and Implementing True Boundaries
Jenna Free [00:09:32 - 00:10:21]: That's a really important point: is a true boundary asks nothing of anybody else. So meaning like a boundary isn't like, you don't ask me to help. Like, that's not a boundary. A boundary will be, I am going to, you know, put my work before my coworker's work. That would be a boundary because it's on you to do that. So that might be saying no or letting them know like, you know, I can get to that when I'm done, but I will not get to it until I'm finished my own work, for example. A really cute story about This like respecting boundaries thing that I had heard from, uh, one of my clients in my groups quite a few groups ago was saying she had this coworker who there was just this very strong boundary in knowing that no one talked to her until she ate her breakfast. Not in a nasty way, just in a like, oh, you know, I don't know what her name was.
An Example: Boundaries at Work
Jenna Free [00:10:22 - 00:11:03]: That's what Susan does. Like, you know, you don't talk to Susan until she's done her breakfast. What a beautiful person. I just love that. I'm like, oh, she knows what she needs, right? She needs a minute, she needs to eat, she needs to get settled, and then she'll help you, right? And people respected that. She's like, everyone in the office just knows that and doesn't bother her until she's done her breakfast, right? Whereas for, for us, if we're in that people pleasing, it's like people will dump their stuff on you at any minute because those boundaries are so porous. You just let everything in. So this idea of fawn, the reason I'm bringing, kind of explaining what the fawn approach is and what can happen, is because we need to start seeing it through the lens of dysregulation.
Fawn is About Self-Preservation
Jenna Free [00:11:03 - 00:11:44]: It's not because you're so nice. I'm sure you're also very nice and very kind and very loving. The people pleasing and the fawn response is about self-preservation. So this sometimes I think can help people give themselves permission to start advocating for themselves, put those boundaries up. It's actually more selfless to do that. Because it is, it's not a nice feeling. You know, if your coworkers knew how resentful you were that they asked for your help all the time, I'm sure they would feel so bad, right? So we don't wanna say yes and then feel resentful about it. We wanna be confident when we say yes to help someone that we feel happy about it and we're like saying yes out of true desire to help, not self-preservation.
Three Ways to Break the Fawn Cycle
Jenna Free [00:11:44 - 00:12:19]: So there are 3 ways we can work on this fawn approach and kind of breaking the cycle of being in this protective mode. So the first is to slow it down. Down. You probably know I'm gonna say that about everything, but going too fast and being in a rush causes a lot of these problems. So a way you could do this is have a sentence, like a go-to sentence, so you don't even have to think about it. Like, oh, I'll get back to you in a little bit, or let me check my schedule. If anyone asks you to do something, don't respond right away, even if you know you're gonna do it or you know you're gonna say no. Well, if you never say no and you can say no right there, go ahead.
Step 1: Slow It Down
Jenna Free [00:12:19 - 00:13:18]: But give it a minute, even if you think you're going to say yes, sit with it. So say, say you're walking around your office, someone says, oh, can you do this today? Oh, I'll get back to you, let me check my schedule. Yes, you don't want to just forget about it and carry on. So you, you know, help yourself out, do what you need to do, whether that be, you know, set an alarm for 10 minutes when you're going to be back at your desk and go, okay, look at your calendar, what's the deal? Or if you can go right back to your desk, it's like, okay, Let me sit with this. What are they asking of me? What would that look like to actually do it? Do I want to? Does my desire to say yes come from a place of fear and self-preservation, or is it a genuine thing I want to do? Someone else did mention like, oh, I think I say yes to everything though so that I don't have to get to my own work. It's like a way of productive procrastination. But these are the things you're not aware of unless you sit with it before answering. This is what regulation is, is slowing it down, Being honest with ourselves and really being more aware instead of reactive.
Assess Your Choices & Regulate Before Responding
Jenna Free [00:13:19 - 00:13:52]: So you may find, this is something I'm going to say yes to. Great, you've made a conscious choice. You can now tell that person, yes, I can take that on later today, and carry from there. But you might also find, ah, you know, this is going to be so dysregulating, that's going to cause so much stress, and that's not part of my job, so you know what, I'm going to say no. That's going to be dysregulating, right? You're gonna feel uncomfortable. You might even feel nauseous. Your heart might be racing to go up to them and say no. But if you can send them a message, that's fine.
Practice Saying No—Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Jenna Free [00:13:52 - 00:14:27]: Maybe like, oh, sorry, I can't get to that today. You know, I've got too much on my plate. It will be so uncomfortable at first, but it's most uncomfortable at first. So it is a, you know, a rewiring and showing your brain, collecting evidence that it is safe to say no. You are gonna be okay, but we gotta get over that initial hump of the discomfort. The first few times is gonna be awkward for sure. Number 2 is to reach out for help in small ways. We wanna start challenging that part of you that never asks for support and feels like you can't be a bother.
Step 2: Ask for Help in Small Ways
Jenna Free [00:14:28 - 00:14:57]: It's gonna be uncomfortable to do this stuff at first, but it will not kill you. You will be okay. And so it's just remembering that of like, Okay, this anxiety, this racing heart, these signs of dysregulation, it doesn't mean I'm getting chased by a bear, right? Even though this is scary, I'm safe, and so I can do it. And so you might ask the clerk for help finding the oatmeal at the grocery store. Instead of walking around for 20 minutes at a new store, you can ask where it is. I promise you'll be okay. Little things like that. Or ask your coworker the question, right? Oh, I have this quick question.
Show Yourself That Connection is Safe
Jenna Free [00:14:57 - 00:15:40]: I know she'll know the answer, but instead I'm going to go research for 30 minutes. Like, just ask. Start reaching out little, in little, little bits and little ways to show yourself, oh, this is actually connecting me. And they're also allowed to say no, right? Just like everyone else is believing that you're okay with everything because you're saying yes, well, you got to believe that they are, you know, they're strong enough to say no if they can't help you. Because I know sometimes we can like preemptively— I don't want to bother them. What if they don't want to do it? Then they'll say no. Right? Just like you're going to learn to say no when you don't want to do it. So this does start to create evidence that it's safe to reach out, it is safe to get support, and in fact, it might be quite lovely.
Support, Connection, and Building Your Village
Jenna Free [00:15:41 - 00:16:24]: You're going to start getting closer to people, you know, true village, true connections, maybe more authentic connections at work or even in your, you know, community. Okay, the third is to take up space. Observe where you block yourself from getting what you want. So I had someone in one of my groups, and we were working on, on this, on boundaries and the fawn response and everything. And she went to a restaurant with a friend that night after we had our session, and the waitress was about to sit them down at this kind of central table near the kitchen. It was quite loud, quite in the middle of everything. And her mind went like, oh, I really love to sit in that booth over there. It was like in the nice quiet corner.
Step 3: Take Up Space
Jenna Free [00:16:24 - 00:17:07]: She's like, oh, that'd be a much more pleasant experience. But that, you know, the fawn part of her doesn't want to be a bother, doesn't want to stick out in any way, wants to just kind of blend in the background, protect herself. But since we talked about this, she said, oh, can we actually sit over there? Because it wasn't bussed yet, so there were still some cups on it and stuff, so she felt bad. But though, of course, the waitress says, yes, come on over. And when you start doing that, you start realizing, oh my God, I've been getting in my own— I could have had all these things I wanted years ago, but I was too afraid to ask. So I love the little mantra that I live my life by is, I will not be the one that stops me from getting what I want in life. I very well might be rejected. I very well might be told no.
Refuse to Stop Yourself—Let the World Say No First
Jenna Free [00:17:08 - 00:17:54]: I very well may fail at things, but I'm not going to be the one that stops me from getting those things, whether it be the nice table at the restaurant or, you know, a goal I'm achieving. Oh, I don't know if I could do that, so I'm not going to try it. I'm gonna let the world tell me it's a no before I'm gonna tell me it's a no. That obviously we need regulation for something that big. To go for what you want full on, 100%, and be willing to fail, that requires regulation. But even these small things do too. The willingness to go out on a limb, be vulnerable, share that you would like something And the chance of her saying, no, sorry, you know, that's reserved or something. But you'll be okay.
Collecting Evidence That Taking Up Space is Safe
Jenna Free [00:17:55 - 00:18:39]: Even that would be evidence of like, oh, good for you, you asked for that, it's not available, but look, you're okay, right? Creates evidence. Doing these things again and again creates evidence that it's safe to do that. And then now, even if she didn't get that table, the next time she might feel more brave to ask for what she wants in a different situation and get that, right? You're going to be much more likely to be successful and get you what you want out of life, small or big, if you feel safe to take up space, to be a quote-unquote inconvenience, and ask things of people. I promise you, most of the time they don't mind. I love it when people ask me for help. I think it's so nice. I'm like, oh, you thought of me! I'd love to be able to support you. So you never know how people feel about being asked for help.
Connections Grow When You Risk "Bothering" Others
Jenna Free [00:18:39 - 00:19:37]: That might really connect them to you in a way bigger way than you know, having a mask on, having your walls up, and being no bother to them would be. You're not going to make connections in that way. So that's a, that's a good reminder when we're feeling— We don't want to bother anybody. Lots of people like to be bothered, to have that connection, and to feel like they get to help somebody else. Maybe not you because you've been saying yes to everything for 15, 20, 30 years, but for people who do have boundaries They can say yes or no at any given time, right? And you'll get there too. So I'd be very interested to hear, how does the fawn response show up for you? Observe that in your week this week. Where am I people pleasing, overly worried about what people think, and/or putting that mask and that wall up to preserve myself? Can you challenge it this week? I just shared a few little ways you could challenge it. Try one of those small steps and see how it feels.
Encouragement: Challenge Yourself, Reduce Overwhelm
Jenna Free [00:19:38 - 00:20:23]: It's going to be dysregulating, but afterwards you might feel quite good about yourself and quite like, ooh, that was different. I felt quite nice to say no. Now I don't have 2 hours of work on my plate that I would've had otherwise, right? The saying no may be uncomfortable, but the result is less work to do. And now you realize, oh, maybe my job isn't actually so overwhelming when I start having boundaries, right? We start to observe where kind of our dysregulation is making things a lot harder than it needs to be. So if this podcast has been helpful to you, please drop it in your favorite ADHD subreddit. It's how a lot of people find the show. Maybe that's how you found the show. I've had a huge influx from Reddit recently, and I thought, this is obviously a great place to share this philosophy.