What's Behind Your ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation Symptoms
You snap at someone you love over something small, or you burst into tears in the middle of dinner and have no idea why. You might even spend the whole day at your limit, and by 4 pm, the smallest inconvenience tips you completely over the edge. Does this sound familiar?
You've probably been told this is just how ADHD works. That emotional dysregulation is a deficit, and a skill you're missing. But what if that framing is keeping you stuck? Because if emotional dysregulation is just who you are, there's nothing to work on, and that isn't true.
But I want you to know that the real problem isn't your emotions. It's the state your nervous system is already in before anything even happens. When you're in fight or flight all day, you're already full to the brim. One more thing, one critical comment, or unexpected change, and your lid flips. That reaction isn't a character flaw, but biology doing exactly what it's designed to do when it believes you're under threat.
This episode is about why ADHD and emotional dysregulation are so closely tied, and why understanding that connection is the first step toward actually changing it.
Here's what we cover:
Why ADHD emotional dysregulation isn't an emotional problem at all, and what it is
How fight or flight keeps your nervous system full to the brim before the day even really starts, so any emotion tips you straight into a reaction
What rejection sensitive dysphoria looks like through the lens of dysregulation, and why feedback and criticism feel so threatening when your system already feels unsafe
Why ADHD and anxiety so often show up together, and how overthinking, ruminating, and scanning for danger are your brain trying to protect you
How ADHD paralysis connects to freeze, the often-overlooked fourth stress response, and why being stuck on the couch isn't laziness
Why ADHD decision fatigue has nothing to do with the decision itself, and everything to do with the weight and danger your nervous system assigns to getting it wrong
How task initiation difficulties are less about executive function and more about what's standing between you and the first small step
What it looks and feels like to move through your days from a more regulated place
This one is for you if you've been reacting in ways that don't feel like you, wondering why the smallest things knock you sideways, and then quietly blaming yourself for it. Understanding what's underneath those reactions changes everything.
"Your emotions are never the problem. We don't want to squash them. We want to get out of the dysregulation underneath them."
Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is where the deeper internal work lives. Available wherever books are sold, and yes, your library even has it.
Connect with Jenna
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Jenna Free [00:00:00]: To let you know that on April 24th I am hosting a free regulation workshop for ADHDers. If you are interested in diving more on this approach. If you want to work with me live, you can come join me on April 24th at 6pm Mountain Time. We will be doing a 90 minute workshop. Come join. You can sign up through the link in the show notes and I can't wait to see you there. Hello and welcome to the ADHD with Jenna Free podcast where we see things a little bit differently.
Jenna Free [00:00:36]: We are coming at ADHD with the knowledge and the awareness that we're also in fight or flight and being in fight or flight is really what we're struggling with. Yes, you have an ADHD brain and we can't change that, but we can get you out of fight or flight. So whether this is your first time tuning in or you've been following along for a while, welcome. We can dive right in. I do recommend listening to the first episode at least if you have never heard from me before because you might need a little bit of context to understand kind of our approach. But today, even if you're diving in today, we are going to go over some top ADHD symptoms that you currently may be seeing as that's just ADHD. Oh well, gotta cope with it, gotta figure it out, gotta use hacks and tips and tricks to make this better. We really need to bring the awareness of how our symptoms are related to being in fight or flight so that you can see it more clearly.
Top ADHD Symptoms: What the Research Says
Jenna Free [00:01:34]: We cannot work on something we are not aware of. If you are not aware of your symptoms being related to fight or flight, very hard to change them or to do anything about it. So I surveyed my audience on Instagram and I asked what is your top symptom? Like that one that's oh my God, this is a struggle. I really am struggling with this. The top three I got were overthinking, paralysis, anxiety, that realm, emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity dysphoria or RSD. What's interesting about this is these top three symptoms are experiential symptoms as opposed to productivity symptoms. I think with ADHD we think a lot about I'm not getting enough done, I'm not doing enough, my behavior isn't what I want it to be. But the top three that were reported that we're struggling with the most is the internal experience of our life, of that overthinking anxiety kind of milling about in our heads, the emotional dysregulation, the outburst, which I guess would be behavior, but the experience of that is so unpleasant.
Jenna Free [00:02:41]: And rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is that strong sense of like, oh my God, any feedback, any criticism and we want to run away. We have a very hard time handling it. So those are the first three symptoms I'm going to go over of how are those in line with fight or flight? Why are those exacerbated by being in fight or flight? And then I have another list of symptoms that we'll go through as well, because I really, I can't stress enough. It is so important that you kind of have your dysregulation goggles on, meaning you are going through life seeing things in the realm of, ah, yes, I see that I'm dysregulated and that's why this is happening as opposed to, well, I'm just emotionally dysregulated. That's just how it is. Because I've seen people post about ADHD and emotional dysregulation. Some other ADHD coaches who don't see it from this lens, and they were saying emotional dysregulation is just like, we just can't regulate our emotions.
Jenna Free [00:03:42]: And that's just a skill we don't have. That isn't true. That isn't true. We are in fight or flight and it causes these problems. That's why we need to understand it.
ADHD and Overthinking: Why Your Brain Won't Quiet Down
Jenna Free [00:03:57]: Okay, so let's dive into the first bit of our symptoms that we can struggle with. First is that overthinking, anxiety and overwhelm, which can lead into paralysis. So your brain isn't anxious. You don't overthink, you don't ruminate because it's annoying. Your brain hates you. I feel like we think our brain is against us. Your brain's trying to keep you safe. Even anxiety. Because many people with ADHD also experience anxiety, maybe even as a secondary diagnosis. But I would say it's probably related. Anxiety is there to try to keep you safe.
Jenna Free [00:04:29]: Of course, in modern society, most of our situations, it's useless and it's hurting us. But our biology doesn't know that. Our biology, the primal part of us that's in fight or flight. Right, the nervous system, the subconscious, all this stuff that's triggered isn't aware. You're sitting at your desk needing to write emails. Like, we know that's not life threatening. We consciously know that's not dangerous. But your system is clocking that as like, oh my God, when am I gonna get all the emails done? How am I gonna get all the emails done? I need to get caught up and da, da, da, da, and I need to catch up.
Jenna Free [00:05:00]: That is your brain trying to keep you safe. It thinks we must be in a forest with a lot of danger around us. Are we getting chased by a bear? Okay, let's put that hyper vigilance up. Right. Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Is it coming out of that bush? Is it coming out of this bush? Oh my gosh, I'm in danger. That is what our bodies are in when we're in fight or flight. And that creates anxious thinking, anxiety, overthinking, ruminating, because your brain is trying to keep you safe. It's thinking, if I can think of all the outcomes, then I can prevent them.
Jenna Free [00:05:29]: But the truth is, we are not dealing with imminent life threatening danger. Most of the time we're dealing with psychological stressors that really do not respond well to being in fight or flight. Because if it's a psychological stressor, it's typically something we need to think about. We want to take mindful action to deal with. And when we're in fight or flight, that kind of actionable part of our brain, the logical thinking, the prefrontal cortex responsible for prioritization, planning, future planning, all that kind of stuff, has less blood flow when we're in this panicked state. But the brain thinks it's helping us, but really this day and age, it isn't. It's hurting us. So that's why we want to get out of fight or flight.
ADHD Paralysis and the Freeze Response
Jenna Free [00:06:18]: Because that overwhelm comes up, right? Because we're trying to think of everything now. Because we feel unsafe to just let things unfold and do things one step at a time. And that will tip us over into paralysis, which is that fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Those are the four elements of being in fight or flight. And freeze is one of them. That's that deer in the headlights. So when you have anxiety, I want you to start seeing, my brain feels unsafe and it's trying to keep me safe. When you tip over into paralysis, I'm like a deer in the headlights.
Jenna Free [00:06:51]: I feel unsafe and now I'm stuck here, which I get. Doesn't make it better instantly, but we need to understand it in this context to work on it. I'm in paralysis like a deer in headlights. Does it make a ton of sense? No. Me being stuck on the couch because I have lots to do obviously isn't logical. It's primal. It is biological. Your body is responding to these stressors as if you need to be hiding in the forest.
Jenna Free [00:07:17]: And I know that might sound silly, but our bodies are not up to date on what kind of environment we live in because the environments we live in are typically quite safe. Right. Like my office right now. There's no need for me being fight or flight. Even if I have stressful work on my computer, even if I'm doing a podcast that I'm not always super 100% confident about. Me being fight or flight isn't going to help that. Being in fight or flight, we kind of want to, at least in our minds, it's not the only place it's going to live. But we would like to reserve it for imminent life threatening danger. And 99.999% of what you deal with, hopefully is not life threatening.
ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation
Jenna Free [00:08:00]: It is stressful. And that's, you know, that's perfectly valid. We're going to feel stress. We're going to be humans with emotions and feelings. But once we're tipped into fight or flight it makes things so much harder. Okay? So the second symptom that we can struggle with is emotional dysregulation. And like I mentioned before, some people will talk about that as just like, that's just a deficit we have. We just can't regulate our emotions.
Jenna Free [00:08:28]: That's not how I see it. If we come at it from the idea that we're in fight or flight, and that's our problem. So the emotions and the dysregulation are two separate things. The dysregulation is that being in fight or flight. Right. And I kind of think of it as, you know, you are filled to the very brim. And if one more person asks you one more thing, if one more inconvenience comes up, you are at your edge and you're going to flip your lid, as they call it in psychological terms, you are going to flip your lid. And that's when we get the disproportionate reaction.
Jenna Free [00:09:00]: We get that what we would call emotional dysregulation, maybe very irritable, you know, very quick to anger, quick to tears, is because you are in fight or flight, you are dysregulated, then you have emotions. The emotions are never the problem. Your emotions are valid. We don't want to start trying to squash them as a way to deal with that. What we want to do is get out of dysregulation. Then your emotions are going to be more in line with what you're dealing with. So if you're watching the video, I have my hand up to my very top of my head, if you're up to here. Right.
Jenna Free [00:09:38]: Oh my God. And I totally lived many years like that. If one more person asked me to do one more thing, I'm gonna blow. Yeah. If you're functioning from there, your emotions are gonna be so disproportionate and have really nothing to do with what's in front of you. It has a lot to do with the state you're in. When we're regulated, it's kind of like that line comes down to, say, chest level. We're still dealing with stuff.
Jenna Free [00:10:02]: We can still be even a little bit stressed. We can have a lot going on. But then when we have emotions, we can contain it, we can deal with it. It's not so reactive. We're not flipping our lid and crossing that line where now we're in kind of our animalistic state or where we're just trying to keep ourselves safe. And that's what it's always about with regulation work and being in fight or flight — I feel unsafe and I'm going to react with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. So that is why emotional dysregulation is related to being in fight or flight and why you don't necessarily have an emotional problem. You have a dysregulation problem.
Jenna Free [00:10:40]: Those are two very different things. So just know your emotions are fine, your feelings are valid. We're going to be upset sometimes. We're going to cry sometimes. But of course, if we're always teetering on the edge of that, that can be very difficult and a very taxing way to live. Just to lay out an example of that that I experienced in my past, my son was probably one, and he was in the high chair beside me, and I was at my parents, and my mom was across the table, and we were eating, and I was in extreme fight or flight. At this stage, the worst fight or flight I've ever been is probably those first three or four years after I had — before I knew about this work and before I even knew I had ADHD.
Jenna Free [00:11:20]: But we were sitting there at dinner, and I'm at my hands up here to my forehead. I am at my limit all day, every day. Right. Just at that edge. And so we're eating, and my son kind of made some noises. And so my mom popped up like, oh my gosh. Like, is he choking? And then I pop up and I get this adrenaline rush and I just start bawling my eyes out. That had nothing to do with the situation we were in.
Jenna Free [00:11:46]: Right. It had nothing to do with him. He was totally fine. He wasn't choking. He just kind of made a little gurgle noise. But I just started bawling my eyes out because my lid flipped. I was pushed over that edge and I was reacting in a way that had nothing to do with what was really happening. It was because of the state I was in.
Jenna Free [00:12:05]: And that's how we can live a lot, right? It's like, oh my God, that one more thing is just gonna push me over the edge. And we're always upset or always reacting or always snappy. And that can be helped with regulation work because I can still have things, right? I still have two little kids and I can have those moments — and I do not get kind of pushed over that edge like I did before because I'm in a more regulated state, functioning day to day more from here. So it's like you can handle those things much more easily.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD
Jenna Free [00:12:33]: Okay. The third top struggle that you guys shared was rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So that is the extreme response we can get when, or even perceiving to get, criticism or feedback. We can be quite poor at taking feedback and taking it well when we're in fight or flight.
Jenna Free [00:12:54]: And I think it's so funny because when I reflect back to my many, many university years, of my many degrees — that shows my ADHD right there, going from one thing to the next. But I remember now, and I didn't actually reflect on this till more recently. I would never look at feedback on papers or any sort of assignments. Like, as long as I got a good enough grade, I wouldn't even look at it because I don't want to know what I wasn't good at. Right? Whereas now, of course, it helps a little bit. I mean, I care about my work a lot more now than I did writing papers in university. But now when someone, say, comments online or has something to say to me about my program, of course at first I have a small moment of like, ah, whatever. When the defensiveness comes out, the animal in me starts to protect myself, but I go, oh, it's okay.
Jenna Free [00:13:45]: And I'm able to actually take the feedback in and do something with it. So this, you know, a few things have happened in my work in ADHD coaching and therapy where this was so helpful. I'm so grateful I was able to take it in, process it and kind of have that attitude of like, I'm always learning and getting better and it's safe to not be perfect now. Never gonna be perfect, but it's safe to have flaws and learn from them and grow. That's the whole point of life. And when we're more regulated, you're more able to live in the process of life instead of needing to get to that like 100% right now because we feel unsafe in the journey and unsafe in the process. It feels vulnerable.
Jenna Free [00:14:30]: We want to get like perfect and do it perfectly right now. And we obviously, that's almost always impossible. So then we do nothing. So with my work, I had someone comment, say, like, you just, you're just selling stuff. You don't give us any free advice. Which, you know, at the time I was really like, I don't see it that way. I think I'm sharing a lot of insights for free on social media and everything. But I sat with that and I, you know, my first instinct is that ego.
Jenna Free [00:14:54]: Like, what do you know? I give a lot. I went, okay, this person. And a few people had said it, not a ton, but a few. And I went, oh, okay. So they want something more concrete. And then that following week, I made an ADHD guide, which is the one that I now talk about on here. And I've improved it over time, but it was just a PDF that went, hey, here's what being in fight or flight is all about for ADHDers. Here's what you need to know, here's how to identify dysregulation, and here's how to start interrupting it with regulation.
Jenna Free [00:15:26]: And then at the end, I did say, I do have ADHD groups where we go A to Z with this work. I'm not going to put my whole program in a PDF, obviously, but I wanted to provide some sort of concrete first steps. So I put that out and up till now, I think 35,000 people have downloaded it. Like, what a gift that person gave me. Even they didn't even say it nicely, right? It's not their job to be polite. I can take on their advice or their criticism or their feedback, even if it was said rudely and know I'm safe, I'm okay. And that is the difference between me in university and me now.
Jenna Free [00:16:00]: And that can be the difference between you when you're in fight or flight and when you're regulated. Because I know a lot of us will flee, you know, quit jobs that maybe it wasn't quite warranted just because we got some feedback or we're perceiving negative feedback where there isn't any. No one has actually said anything. You just think people are thinking bad of you, and that's again, that defense mechanism, that hyper vigilance of like I'm unsafe, so I have to assume everyone's against me and everyone's thinking bad things. So I can protect myself. When you're regulated in your body and your nervous system and everything knows, oh, we're safe like this, it's okay. You're gonna have that calm way down and you're gonna be much more able to receive feedback, receive criticism, perceived or otherwise, with less of an intense internal reaction. Because that internal reaction is just very heightened dysregulation.
Jenna Free [00:16:54]: Right. Those are just the heightened signs of being in fight or flight. But we call it RSD. Oh, that's just what I have. No, you're in fight or flight.
ADHD Procrastination and Fear-Based Motivation
Jenna Free [00:17:05]: That's why I did put some other symptoms together just that you might be curious about. Like how does that relate to being in fight or flight? So we also have procrastination. Why is procrastination tied to being in fight or flight? So when one, when we're overwhelmed and in paralysis, of course we're going to procrastinate.
Jenna Free [00:17:25]: And we kind of learned why that's related to being in fight or flight. But when we are in fight or flight, our motivators — we talked about this in the last episode — are fear based. Meaning I've kind of trained my system not to. Not that it's our fault, but it is our job to start shifting it if we want it to change. But we have trained our system to respond to fear, urgency, guilt and shame. And those are our motivators. So doing something well ahead of time, we don't have that fear, we don't have that push, we don't have that intensity, we don't have that frantic energy. So we're not motivated. Right.
Jenna Free [00:17:57]: Same as when we're getting chased by a bear. Yeah, you have a real strong burst of energy. But the second that bear is gone, when you are out of danger, what's there to motivate you now? Nothing. So we just flop and wait until another danger comes.
Jenna Free [00:18:18]: And that's what survival mode is. Right. I am so exhausted just staying alive. I have no energy for growth. I have no energy to achieve long term goals. I have no energy for anything other than not dying. And that is the state we're in when we're in fight or flight. So procrastination, right.
Jenna Free [00:18:34]: We do it at the last minute because that's when the bear shows up. That's when we have the fear and the shame and the guilt and the urgency and we run with it. And we think, oh, that's just how I perform best. That's when I do my best work. Only because you're in fight or flight. If you were regulated, you may find that to be different. And I'm not saying we're never going to do anything the night before. Of course you are sometimes, but you have more freedom to choose.
Jenna Free [00:18:59]: So at this point, as a more regulated ADHDer, I have more freedom to choose. I can do it kind of the couple days before, the night before, but I will consciously make that choice and go, you know what? I got so much going on with this thing. You know what? I'm going to decide to do it the night before. I know I'll be able to sit down and focus and get it all done that night. Because there still is that tendency, but it isn't compulsive where like I can't do anything earlier. Now I can choose. Oh, I have two things due at the same time or two things I want to achieve by the end of the week. Let me start one the week prior and then I'll do the other one kind of more closer to the due date, for example, or work on both of them a little bit every day to get to where I want to go.
Long-Term Goals and Survival Mode
Jenna Free [00:19:41]: There's the choice. And when you don't have a choice, we know we're in fight or flight because that fight or flight state is running the show. It is determining how you do things, how you behave, the choices you make. And that's very normal. That's what being in fight or flight does. But we can get out of it as we know now. And then speaking of working towards long term goals, I know that's often out of reach for us as dysregulated ADHDers. And the reason that is tied in with being in fight or flight is kind of what I already mentioned — was that survival mode of when I am just in the mode of like, okay, don't die, don't die, protect ourselves, protect ourselves. The energy it takes to be in fight or flight is immense.
Jenna Free [00:20:26]: So I don't have any more energy to, you know, work on researching that big goal I have, work on getting started on that side project, work on applying for a new job. I'm just trying to survive in the job I have. Even though I know I want to get a new job, I do not have the bandwidth to do anything other than survive through the day. And I know that might feel like, but that's just how it is. That's just true. But that's because you're in fight or flight. When you are regulated, just existing takes so much less energy.
Jenna Free [00:20:58]: You're not worrying about everything all the time. Your body, your nervous system isn't in that hyper vigilant defensive state of like, gotta protect ourselves, gotta protect ourselves. You're not tipping over into paralysis. So you're not spending all this time sitting there going, I should be doing the dishes. I really should be calling my mom. I really should be, you know, booking that dentist appointment. When you are out of fight or flight, you will have more energy to actually work on longer term goals. You will have the perspective to take small steps toward long term goals and not just sitting there going, I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that.
Jenna Free [00:21:31]: But look at me not taking any action towards it. That's why that happens, because you are in survival mode. And I recently saw a post from a popular ADHD account talking about how, you know, oh, we want to be a millionaire, but we're sitting there scrolling for hours, but I really wish I was a millionaire — and then not doing anything to work towards that, say if it's starting a business or something. And this person was saying like, I have a four step course for you to take to get out of this rut. It's like, well no, that's happening because we're in fight or flight. And if we are not aware of that, it's very, very hard to get out of. You can use all the hacks you want, all the habits you want, but we gotta change the inner state and do the deeper inner work to change the state we're in.
Jenna Free [00:22:16]: And then you can make those changes and then you'll actually find you naturally make those changes. That's why I love this work. The symptoms we're talking about are all gonna naturally dissipate the more regulated you get. So you don't have to do regulation and then work on all these symptoms. You simply do the regulation work. We get out of fight or flight, which is not like an on off switch. Right? It's a lifelong endeavor. Not that you're not going to have results quickly.
Jenna Free [00:22:42]: A lot of the people in my groups, for example, will be like, oh my God, things are changing like partway through the program and beyond. And then I've had someone send some feedback recently a few months later because they forgot to send it back right after, which is totally fine. It's actually really great because then they sent feedback about like, a few months after the program or a few months after doing this more specific work. They just took it on with them through their lives and they're like, oh, like it's continuing to grow. The skill is continuing to grow. I'm getting better and better at it because it is a lifelong endeavor, but not in an effortful way and not meaning you're not going to get tons of benefits right away. But if you want to work towards something, like the silly example of this person's idea of wanting to be a millionaire. Oh, I want to be a millionaire.
Jenna Free [00:23:30]: Okay, well, let's get out of fight or flight so that you can then think about things that are beyond today, so that you can put energy towards things that aren't just about survival. And that is the big shift we want to create.
ADHD Decision Fatigue: Finding Relief
Jenna Free [00:23:45]: Another really interesting one is decision fatigue or decision overwhelm. This is something that a lot of people talk about is like, oh, we just, you know, we're not good at making decisions. Decision making is so hard for us. We get so exhausted by making decisions. That is only because you are in fight or flight. A really good analogy for this would be if I had four balls.
Jenna Free [00:24:04]: Blue, yellow, red, green. Pick one. Is that super exhausting for you? Are you exhausted by that? Is that so overwhelming? Probably not. You could probably just reach for it and grab a random ball. You wouldn't care. It doesn't mean anything to you. It's random. It is not that you can't make decisions.
Jenna Free [00:24:22]: It is that you have put so much weight, not consciously, but subconsciously, and because you're in fight or flight, into each decision, like, oh my God, I got to make the right decision. I can't make the wrong decision. It's dangerous to make the wrong decision. I have to do things really efficiently, so I have to pick the right thing and what's the right order and prioritization. I'm bad at prioritization and I have to prioritize correctly. That is what exhausts us. That is what makes decision making so hard. Not the decision making in and of itself, but the pressure and intensity we have around making decisions.
Jenna Free [00:24:53]: The belief that there is a right or wrong decision to make. And as we go on our regulation journey and you keep working on this, one good kind of mantra that I really like is, my success comes from making decisions, not from the decisions I make. Meaning just move it along. And of course, some decisions are going to get more thought than others. So someone in one of my groups was talking about buying a car, like, yes, of course you're gonna do more research buying a car than you are, like, which chore should I do first in the house. Of course. But there is a line that we can teeter over where it's like, okay, I've been researching this car for two years and I'm not learning anything new.
Jenna Free [00:25:35]: I'm just kind of going in circles and afraid to make the wrong choice. Cause I'm in fight or flight. You know, I'm going into deer in the headlights, or I'm just ruminating and don't want to make the wrong decision. But now you haven't had a car for two years or you've been dealing with your car that keeps breaking down. So it's like, oh, just at some point making a decision and moving along is going to get me to where I want to go. As opposed to being stuck there sitting for an hour thinking, what's the right choice? What's the right choice? Especially for the small stuff. And we can really put a lot of weight into the small stuff. Another person I was talking to was talking about how they kind of put their to do list on some post it notes.
Jenna Free [00:26:14]: And they were spending two hours thinking about what order should I do these, how should I tackle this, moving them around, thinking it through. And I'm just like, imagine the progress you could have made in two hours even if you weren't, you know, going crazy for two hours. Just do, do, do, do, do, working along for two hours. Just pick one and move it forward. That is how we practice regulation. It's another example because we're showing the nervous system, we're showing the subconscious, we're showing ourselves, all parts of us, hey, it's safe to just take some action, walk forward. It is safe to take some steps forward without knowing what my next hundred steps are. But when we're in fight or flight, that feels unsafe.
Jenna Free [00:26:56]: Which is why we don't do it. We think, I got to sit here and figure out everything before I start. And then we don't start anything. And then we go, I'm so frustrated because I've been scrolling for three hours instead of working on becoming a millionaire like that guy's example was. So that is something that I recommend thinking about when you get caught up in decision making. Ah, is it the decision that's hard to make or is it the dysregulation and the weight and the intensity I've put around this decision and it feels unsafe to make a choice? And at that point, you may want to challenge that a little bit and go, okay, I'm just going to pick something and move it on.
Jenna Free [00:27:32]: Especially if it's, you know, something like, should I go run this errand first or that errand first? Honestly, who cares? In the scheme of things, it won't matter. And that is a really nice part of regulation as well. Is this zooming out of, like, perspective of if you're living regulated. Right, living in a regulated way, which would mean I am more consistently moving things along. I'm not in paralysis, I'm not in overwhelm. I'm just walking down the path. Right? In regulation, it's more of like, wow, I'm walking down a path versus like trying to smash down a wall. It's like, do, do, do, do, do.
Jenna Free [00:28:12]: Less difficult and more sustainable. If you walk consistently for the next month, you are going to get so freaking far in life and it is not going to feel that hard. But if you sit there going, oh my God, oh my God, I can't start walking until I know everything and it has to be perfect — yes, you are not going to get very far. It's going to feel so frustrating because you're going to have big visions in your mind. The ADHD brain is brilliant. You are capable of a lot of things. And I know not reaching that potential can be so frustrating, but if you can start seeing it as like, wow, being in fight or flight is what's getting stuck between me and the things I want to achieve in life.
Jenna Free [00:28:49]: It is not the ADHD brain only. I get that we have a brain that's different, but I have seen from regulation work in myself and hundreds of clients — oh, maybe the ADHD brain really had very little to do with it. There's still some stuff there for me even, right. Working memory stuff I definitely see when some overwhelm comes up. But I have the tools to, whew, kind of come back to regulation. Okay, moving it along.
Jenna Free [00:29:20]: That can be such an amazing skill to have because it feels so good. You know, you can handle anything, right? No matter what comes up, I can handle it in a regulated way and continue to move forward instead of getting stuck and then never being able to move forward with it.
ADHD Task Initiation and Executive Function
Jenna Free [00:29:36]: There's so many symptoms we could go over, but the last one I'm going to talk about today is task initiation. So the next time you're thinking, wow, you know, I just don't have executive function. I just can't initiate tasks. I really want you to look at, well, how is being in fight or flight affecting this? So one is when we're overwhelmed by everything. Yes.
Jenna Free [00:29:57]: It's going to be very difficult to start something because we tend to think, well, I need to really ramp myself up to get this started. Because we require that bear chasing us. We're needing those negative fear based motivators to get moving. So when we're dysregulated, it's hard to just start, right. Pick up the pen and write, get the computer out and open the window. The action of the task is actually quite simple, but it's all of our dysregulation and our thinking and our overwhelm about it that feels so hard. So when you're having a hard time getting something started, I want you to think, what is in between me and getting this task started right now? What part of dysregulation is in my way? And it might be I'm seeing the whole task at once. Right.
Jenna Free [00:30:41]: I'm overwhelmed by the task. Instead of being present with the first step, which might mean walk to my desk — like that's literally all you need to do. That's not hard in and of itself. But when you have the overwhelm and the rumination and the disproportionate perception of the task before you start it, I totally get that it feels so hard to begin. Are you thinking, wow, I need to really wrap myself up, get into this and hammer it out? Or are you allowing yourself to initiate this task with a gentle, let me just get it out, I'll pluck away at it for a little bit. Because that all or nothing thinking can also come into play, which we'll talk about more specifically on another episode.
All-or-Nothing Thinking and ADHD
Jenna Free [00:31:21]: But if your brain — which all or nothing thinking, that rigid thinking is a very dysregulated thinking process and we can retrain our brains to get out of that. But if, okay, it's all or nothing, I'm going to go pay my taxes. Why can't I initiate this task? Why can't I get started? Well, your brain is thinking, well, we need to sit down, figure it all out and get it done right now. I wouldn't want to start either. So we really want to look at, am I present? Is my body regulated? Am I calm and just, okay, I'm going to go over and see what my accountant sent that I need to gather. Maybe wrapping your head around it is today's job or, okay, here's the first three things he needs. I'll spend a bit of time and look for those and gather those together and put them in a file to start the process. That could be enough.
Jenna Free [00:32:13]: But when we're in that all or nothing thinking — I want to go back to this guy's example. I'm either becoming a millionaire or I'm going to scroll for three hours. Like, there's no in between. What about, oh wow, I'm gonna find the URL for my business and buy it? Like, that could be the step for today. And when we are dysregulated, our brain isn't even seeing those options. It's thinking, well, that's dumb. You know, what's the point? Because you're in survival mode. When we get out of that, all these symptoms are gonna naturally calm down. You can make a lot more logical choices because the dysregulated brain does not allow for blood flow to get to that prefrontal cortex.
Jenna Free [00:32:56]: Not enough so that planning, prioritizing, logical thinking is not really where it could be for you. And I think that's quite a hopeful idea, right? It's like, this isn't just how your brain is. It can get better with that. You know, brain fog reduces. You can think more clearly, you can prioritize more effectively, plan more effectively, and actually take action on it when you are regulated. And I know today we've just talked about kind of the theoretical, like, why is it getting in your way? Not necessarily fixing it overnight, but this is part of the process. Even this podcast is teaching you how to be more regulated. Meaning it is not a waste of time to understand myself.
Closing: Seeing Your ADHD Symptoms Differently
Jenna Free [00:33:40]: It is not a waste of time to see things differently, because it's a big part of the process. If you want to go to, like, let's fix all these symptoms right now — we're dysregulated already. Take a deep breath. There's no rush even to fix, quote unquote, what you're dealing with. You're okay right now. That is a big part of this work, is realizing, oh, like, I was safe before I got here. I'll be safe while I'm doing this regulation work.
Jenna Free [00:34:12]: Even if all my symptoms aren't dissipating immediately. Even if I'm still struggling, I'm okay. Because, yes, you're struggling with your symptoms, but you're not struggling with a bear in the woods. You are safe. We want to get that body and that brain in line with that truth, that even with the difficult symptoms that are coming up, you're okay. And ironically, if you can get on board with that reality, you'll be more regulated and then the symptoms will dissipate. So it really is all tied together. So thank you so much for being here today.
Jenna Free [00:34:49]: I hope this is starting to get a lot of clarity for you around your symptoms, around ADHD, around, oh, maybe this is a little different than I thought it was. Because again, understanding this and having those fight or flight goggles on, I really want you to see yourself through the lens of like, oh, I'm in fight or flight. And that's why this is happening. I'm in fight or flight. My biology is thinking I'm unsafe. And so that's why I'm doing this thing. It's so vital.
Jenna Free [00:35:18]: And that's going to get you very far, even without, you know, okay, that's great. Let me fix it right now. Please just sit with this today. Just observe yourself this week and go, how is this related to being dysregulated? How is this related to being in fight or flight? What's coming up for me here? And we'll go from there. If you're enjoying this journey, please rate and review the podcast. That helps so much. It really helps get the message out there to other ADHDers. This is a different way of looking at things.
Jenna Free [00:35:51]: And I mean, I wholeheartedly believe it is the way, and it is the way that is going to become more and more popular. Because, you know, Occam's razor, I believe, is the term where it's like, the simplest explanation is probably the right one. And so, yeah, all of these symptoms make sense when we think about being in fight or flight. If we just go, oh, that's just how the ADHD brain is. And then we have to individually explain why each symptom is like that for the ADHD brain that people don't really understand. To me it makes a lot more sense that, like, ah, look, when my ADHD brain is triggered into fight or flight — and it is, because I live in a world that's designed for neurotypical brains, so it will be triggered into that state to keep me safe, especially as a kid — now I have all these things that come up because of this one reason.
Jenna Free [00:36:44]: Being in fight or flight. When I get out of fight or flight, this laundry list of symptoms goes way down. And again, you have an ADHD brain. That's valid, that's real. I have one and I can feel the difference still. Right? I can see that I'm different. But when we're out of fight or flight, I really do see the strengths of my ADHD brain show up more than my quote unquote weaknesses. Working memory still a thing for me.
Jenna Free [00:37:13]: Attention to detail still a thing for me no matter how hard I try. Right. It just is what it is. But when I'm more regulated, I can use tools, strategies and the other things that you're probably already being taught really effectively. Like I have a calendar system which we can go through one day on an episode. If anyone's interested, let me know in my DMs if that's of interest to you. That I have been using for three — I'm in my third book of it, so all two and a half years consistently, every single day because I am regulated.
Jenna Free [00:37:45]: So it's not that you're not going to need accommodations and support yourself and scaffold yourself in ways after you're regulated and that you're going to be neurotypical then. Absolutely not. But it is honestly, like, laughable compared to when we're dysregulated, how big those symptoms are and how much we're struggling. So thank you so much. Grab your free guide if you hadn't yet, the link will be in the show notes. That's a PDF and a video of me walking you through the PDF of, hey, here's more of an understanding of this concept with more visuals. I know that can be helpful, especially if you're only listening to the audio here.
Jenna Free [00:38:21]: Well, even if you're watching the video, it's just me talking, so seeing my diagrams and stuff can really help. And then the video of me walking you through it so you don't have to read it is also helpful with me giving you context and things like that. I think the video is like 11 minutes long or something, so it's really worth the time, I'd say. But we will go from there. Observe yourself this week. Where is dysregulation showing up? See those symptoms in that lens and we'll go from there.