How to Regulate Your ADHD Nervous System During Hard Times
When life gets hard, your ADHD nervous system doesn't get a pass. It actually makes everything harder, and not in the obvious way people usually talk about.
Most conversations about ADHD and emotional regulation focus on the everyday stuff: the laundry, the morning routine, the low-stakes moments where dysregulation shows up as friction. This episode goes somewhere different. Jenna addresses what happens to your ADHD nervous system regulation when life throws something genuinely big at you. Like a job loss, a grief event, a family health crisis, anything that would knock anyone sideways. The question she's answering is not "how do I get back to baseline" but "how do I do this work when everything is on fire?"
What makes this episode worth slowing down for is that Jenna doesn't offer a list of coping strategies. She's pulling apart the specific mental blocks that keep people with ADHD stuck in the ADHD fight-or-flight response during hard times, even when they know regulation is possible and want it.
Here's what we cover:
Why your brain might really be holding onto dysregulation during a crisis, and what it means if you feel guilty for having a calm moment
How ADHD survival mode works against you when the problem you're facing requires clear thinking, planning, and decision-making
What regulation is actually for during hard times, and what it was never meant to do (it won't take the hard away)
The difference between fighting reality and accepting it, and why that distinction determines whether your prefrontal cortex can come back online to help you solve the problem
Why regulating through grief doesn't mean bypassing grief, and how to tell the difference between avoidance and actual healing
What it looks like when dysregulation during a crisis tips over from a normal response into ADHD survival mode you're stuck in
This one is for you if you're in the middle of something genuinely hard and you've noticed that your brain isn't helping you move through it. Whether it's the job loss that won't let you sleep, the health scare that has you googling at 2 am, or the life change, good or bad, that has completely disrupted your nervous system, Jenna gives you a framework for what to actually look at when you're ready.
"Regulation is not going to take the humanness out of your hard times."
Grab Jenna's free The ADHD Regulation Guide to start understanding how nervous system regulation applies beyond the everyday moments this episode covers.
If you're a clinician working with ADHD clients, Jenna's ADHD Regulation Method certification is open for the waitlist.
And Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is available wherever books are sold. Check your local library too, since they have it.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Jenna Free [00:00:55]: I have a new and improved free ADHD regulation guide talking about the three types of regulation. [00:01:01] I do recommend you go download that. [00:01:02] There's a video of me walking you through it. [00:01:04] Pretty short, like nine minutes. [00:01:05] Or you can read the guide quickly and it's going to give you some action steps. [00:01:09] You can actually get started in this ADHD reset work. [00:01:12] But let's dive into the episode. [00:01:14] All right? [00:01:14] The first thing we want to consider when going through a hard time in life, something big.
Justifying Dysregulation During Difficult Times
Jenna Free [00:01:19]: And we want to get more regulated. [00:01:21] When we have to look at, if we are, quote, unquote, justifying our dysregulation, we really want to look at, is there parts of us that are holding on to being dysregulated in this situation because it feels warranted, it feels even helpful. [00:01:39] Say, you know, you've lost your job. [00:01:41] That is devastating. [00:01:42] And I'm not saying you're not going to grieve and you're not going to have huge, big feelings and it's not going to be hard. [00:01:48] But if you want to work through regulation in this hard time, we want to see is my brain kind of going like, well, I can't relax. [00:01:59] I've lost my job. [00:02:01] I get it, I get it.Jenna Free [00:02:02]: But if we are in fight or flight, is that going to help you get a new job? [00:02:07] Is that going to help you problem solve and fix the issue, which is being jobless? [00:02:12] You know, and that might just be, I need to apply for unemployment for a bit or I need to, you know, get to that job hunt sooner than later. [00:02:20] I need to work on my resume. [00:02:21] When we're in fight or flight, blood flow is leaving the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain responsible for prioritization, planning, logical thinking. [00:02:32] So is that the state we want to be in when we're solving a problem, like not having a job? [00:02:37] No. [00:02:38] So it's not going to help us. [00:02:39] But if our brain is thinking, well, I need to be frantic, I need to be intense, I have to be anxious. [00:02:44] Because if I'm not anxious, you know, I'm not going to find a new job. [00:02:48] That's not true.
Jenna Free [00:02:50]: You are going to probably take longer to get yourself back up there and getting into a new job if you are in dysregulation. [00:02:57] So that's the first point. [00:02:58] Am I holding on to my dysregulation because it's feeling helpful in this big hard time? [00:03:05] The second point we want to consider when in a hard time is, am I seeing being regulated as like, not being a good person or am I bringing morality into my regulation and dysregulation? [00:03:18] And here's what I mean by that. [00:03:20] Sometimes when we're dysregulated about something, we're actually dysregulated about it because we feel we should be dysregulated about it. [00:03:28] I will feel guilty if I feel calm in this time. [00:03:32] Maybe your mom, you know, was diagnosed with something. [00:03:36] Maybe your mom has cancer and that's so upsetting and you're going to grieve and you're going to feel horrible about it, of course, but perhaps you're, you know, okay, it's been discovered. [00:03:47] We're in treatment.
Jenna Free [00:03:49]: I'm helping her out, we're making things happen. [00:03:52] Okay, things are moving along, but we have one second of calm and we feel guilty for it. [00:03:57] Well, I should be upset all the time. [00:03:59] I should be anxious and dysregulated and in fight or flight constantly because I'm a shitty child. [00:04:05] I'm a crappy daughter. [00:04:07] If I am not worried and anxious about my mom 24 7, that can really come up. [00:04:12] Or even the job loss example, if I lose my job and my partner's stressed because I've lost my job and I have a 30 minutes of happiness one evening with my kids, I'm shitty and I'm not worried enough and I need to be more worried to show that I really care about this job loss. [00:04:30] We want to see.
Jenna Free [00:04:31]: Wow, where am I holding on to dysregulation and unable or unwilling to work on this and kind of grapple with it and get more regulated because I feel guilty when I feel happy for a second or calm or present. [00:04:47] And that can actually come up a lot more than you think. [00:04:49] Even not in big stuff, right? [00:04:52] Even in, wow, I have Lots of work to do at work. [00:04:55] It's a busy time at work and I feel guilty if I'm enjoying my evenings. [00:05:00] So I'm going to ruminate about work and feel bad about it. [00:05:03] A lot of this is more subconscious. [00:05:04] You're probably not actively thinking that running across your brain every night. [00:05:09] But we want to observe.
Jenna Free [00:05:11]: Is that a barrier in my regulation right now? [00:05:14] The third element of consideration when we're thinking about getting regulated during a hard time is remembering you're a human being. [00:05:24] You're going through a hard time, it's going to be hard. [00:05:27] If you're sad, you're going to feel sadness. [00:05:29] If this is challenging, you're going to be challenged. [00:05:32] If you're grieving, we have to grieve. [00:05:35] Sometimes I think we use regulation as a way to like bypass discomfort. [00:05:40] Let me try to regulate my way out of this grief. [00:05:42] Not gonna work.
Jenna Free [00:05:43]: It's not what it's there for. [00:05:45] It's there to take a layer off the top because maybe someone has passed away and you are in such survival mode, which makes sense, but maybe you get stuck there for two years, right? [00:05:55] Sometimes that can happen and it's like, oh, wow, okay, I'm still grieving. [00:06:00] Right? [00:06:01] I totally understand. [00:06:02] Grief is not a linear line. [00:06:04] It's up and down and it probably never ends in many instances. [00:06:09] But am I also in survival mode on top of that? [00:06:12] And then we get out of survival mode. [00:06:13] Okay, well, even when I'm present and regulated, I'm still going to have grief. [00:06:17] I'm still going to feel sad.
Jenna Free [00:06:19]: You might even still be stressed about things. [00:06:22] Right? [00:06:22] But regulation is not going to take the humanness out of your hard times, unfortunately. [00:06:29] But that's something we want to look at because when we are avoiding any hardship or pain at all costs through scrolling, spending, substance use, you know, if we're using external things to try to make ourselves feel better. [00:06:44] This is somewhat related to last week's episode on dopamine and that hedonia versus eudaimonia and hedonia, which is that part of us that's like instant gratification, avoidance of any pain whatsoever, versus eudaimonia, which is searching for meaning and contentment and true happiness, which will involve some pain along the way because that means we're facing life and really living. [00:07:08] So you're human. [00:07:09] If you're going through a hard time, it's going to be hard, just like it is for everybody else. [00:07:13] Regulation isn't going to make all those feelings go away. [00:07:16] So the fourth point here is understanding what Regulation's role is during a hard time.
The Role of Regulation During Hard Times
Jenna Free [00:07:23]: So say you have lost your job. [00:07:24] I feel like this is a good little bit less sad example. [00:07:28] It can be devastating though to, to your family, I know, but when you lose a job, where is regulation coming in again? [00:07:36] It's not going to make all the hard feelings go away. [00:07:38] It's not going to make the hard challenge of finding a new job go away. [00:07:42] It's not going to make the grief go away. [00:07:44] It's not going to make the fear go away even. [00:07:46] We can help with that a little bit actually with regulation we're still going to have the human experience. [00:07:51] So what is it doing? [00:07:52] What is its role? [00:07:53] The role for regulation during a really hard time is observing what, where is my system, my thoughts and my behavior tipping over into survival mode.Jenna Free [00:08:03]: And where can I take that kind of hard extra layer of being survival mode off of the top of this experience? [00:08:09] So if you've lost your job, that comes with a lot of tough of reality. [00:08:14] But what is the dysregulation on top that might be, wow, I'm staying up till 3am very chaotic and like searching for jobs. [00:08:23] But it's not really working because then the next morning I can't even get up and I still want to get the kids to school even though I don't have to go to work. [00:08:30] But now I'm sleeping in and you know, it's creating a lot of chaos. [00:08:33] Our behavior is quite dysregulated. [00:08:37] That's what we want to look at. [00:08:38] Yes, you still might be putting a lot of hours into the job hunt, but maybe it makes more sense to be putting, you know, nine to five into the job hunt. [00:08:48] Not in the middle of the night when we're just doing it because we're feeling anxious, not doing it because it's logical and thoughtful and we're clear headed about it.
Jenna Free [00:08:57]: We want to get out of that survival mode. [00:09:00] Even when, here's the thing, little bit of nuance here. [00:09:04] You can get out of survival mode and still be working hard towards a goal and still understand that like, hey, we got to get things moving because you know, we only have a one month cushion if we're, you know, if you're privileged enough to have any cushion at all. [00:09:16] I think the argument here, and kind of even what's coming up in my own mind at the moment is someone's going to say, yeah, but that is survival mode. [00:09:24] But here's what survival mode really is. [00:09:27] Survival mode is I am in imminent meaning, immediate meaning in front of me, life Threatening danger. [00:09:36] And I need to fight, flee, freeze or, or fawn my way out of this immediate situation to survive. [00:09:44] Is that true when you lose a job? [00:09:47] No, because you can't fight your way out of your boss letting you go, for example, you can't fight your way into a new job.
Jenna Free [00:09:55]: That's not going to work. [00:09:57] You can't flee your way, you know, to make it better. [00:10:00] Avoiding it's not going to make it better, so it's not actually helpful. [00:10:04] Freeze isn't going to keep you from having the effects of losing your job. [00:10:09] Right. [00:10:09] It's probably just going to make it worse. [00:10:11] Fun. [00:10:11] Are you going to people please your way into a new job? [00:10:14] Probably not.
Jenna Free [00:10:15]: You know, that's typically not how it works. [00:10:18] You're not going to people please your way from not getting let go. [00:10:21] So we want to look at what is the role of survival mode? [00:10:25] Because I think people think too broadly or too generally about that term. [00:10:30] I totally get. [00:10:30] Yes, you're not in your most solid, really feel good time of life when you've lost a job. [00:10:38] But also being in survival mode is not going to help you get a new one. [00:10:43] Survival mode is not going to help you apply for unemployment and get some money so that you can keep afloat. [00:10:48] Right.
Jenna Free [00:10:49]: So we want to really work on that awareness. [00:10:53] What is that role of regulation? [00:10:55] And this is kind of circling back into point one which was am I justifying this survival mode this time of being in survival mode? [00:11:05] And so that example would be a yes, but I've lost my job, I am in survival mode. [00:11:12] No, you can be in survival mode. [00:11:15] It doesn't mean it's helping you. [00:11:16] Of course you might be in survival mode. [00:11:18] You might be in survival mode when your life is perfectly fine and everything's peachy keen. [00:11:23] It's not really about the situation, but what I'm saying is survival mode, slash, being in fight or flight is only ever going to help you and be of use to you when you are in imminent life threatening danger. [00:11:38] Think bear chasing me in the woods.
Jenna Free [00:11:40]: Think you know, someone's robbing my home and I need to fight my way out. [00:11:45] Right? [00:11:45] That's imminent and life threatening. [00:11:47] I need to survive here. [00:11:49] So yeah, fighting will keep you alive and be helpful. [00:11:52] Fleeing will keep you alive and be helpful. [00:11:54] Freezing maybe. [00:11:55] Freezing and hiding. [00:11:56] Right.
Jenna Free [00:11:56]: They don't see you well and I'm hoping this isn't triggering for anyone. [00:11:59] This is obviously a very horrible thing to be talking about, but these things can happen and people pleasing, right? [00:12:05] Appeasing your aggressor that's what Fawn is. [00:12:10] People pleasing. [00:12:11] Appeasing your aggressor. [00:12:12] That could get me out of this situation. [00:12:14] Unless those are the solutions to your problem. [00:12:16] We want to get regulated. [00:12:18] We want to regulate our nervous system, our thoughts and beliefs and our behavior to get back to a regulated state.
Jenna Free [00:12:26]: So that beautiful brain of yours, the prefrontal cortex, part of your brain responsible for prioritization, planning and logical thinking can get that blood flow back so you can solve your way out of this problem. [00:12:39] Most modern day jobs, most modern day issues are more thinking, planning, prioritizing. [00:12:47] You know, I need logic and thought. [00:12:49] I need to be calm and clear headed here to solve the problem. [00:12:53] We don't really live in a time of course it can happen but it's typically not our day to day where I need to like fight to solve my problems or flee to solve my problems or freeze to solve my problems. [00:13:07] So I really want you to think on that because that is an important distinction of what survival mode and fight or flight are for and helpful for. [00:13:15] And again you are going to become dysregulated and be in survival mode during situations where it's not helpful. [00:13:21] But that's the whole point is that's why we regulate, that's why we do this work and become aware of this so we can get out of it as much as we can.
Jenna Free [00:13:28]: It's never going to be perfect but that's what we want to work towards. [00:13:31] And number five, our last main consideration when we're going through something out of the ordinary, something very challenging in life and regulation we want to think is part of my dysregulation, fighting with reality. [00:13:47] So reality is what it is, right? [00:13:50] And so if you're in a hard time, that's probably something that you would prefer not to be reality. [00:13:55] So maybe the reality is you've lost your job. [00:13:59] I'm just going to use that throughout this whole episode. [00:14:02] The reality is you've lost your job. [00:14:04] Part of our dysregulation and our stress can come from, from fighting that reality. [00:14:08] What does it look like to fight that reality? [00:14:10] I shouldn't have lost my job.
Jenna Free [00:14:12]: It wasn't fair that I lost my job. [00:14:13] I can't believe I lost my job. [00:14:14] And they kept Susie on and I do a way better job than her and I can't believe I was let go and why didn't they choose her? [00:14:20] And I can't believe that I've lost my job and how am I going to get a new job? [00:14:24] You know, it's the shoulds and the judgment and that. [00:14:28] Fighting with the reality. [00:14:29] Instead of going, okay, the reality is I've lost my job. [00:14:34] That freaking sucks. [00:14:35] Right? [00:14:36] Again, you're gonna have the human feelings and emotions and tribulations that come with it. [00:14:43] But if we don't fight that reality, we can then go, okay, now what? [00:14:47] The reality is I've lost my job.
Jenna Free [00:14:49]: Now what? [00:14:50] Right? [00:14:51] That kind of keeps you more cool, calm and collected and allows you to move forward and kind of move your brain towards solutions and next steps. [00:14:59] Instead of spending our time in the past of it shouldn't have been this and it should have been that, and why did they do this? [00:15:04] I'm not saying you're not going to think those things, but you want to observe. [00:15:07] If you kind of fall down that rabbit hole and then go, oh, I see what's happening here. [00:15:11] I'm fighting with the reality that I've lost my job. [00:15:13] And, you know, I've kind of done that time to move on to solutions, okay? [00:15:19] The reality is I don't have a job, and I would like income so I could keep us afloat. [00:15:27] All right, what now? [00:15:29] What do I do now? [00:15:30] That's the difference between a dysregulated brain and a regulated brain. [00:15:34] A dysregulated brain is quite powerless. [00:15:38] Right? [00:15:38] It doesn't think, okay, there's a problem.
Jenna Free [00:15:40]: I'm accepting that problem. [00:15:41] Let's move along and solve it. [00:15:43] It's like, oh, my God, there's a problem here. [00:15:45] There shouldn't be a problem here. [00:15:45] Why is there a problem here? [00:15:46] And we, like, argue with ourselves about why this problem is here for two hours instead of, like, getting way ahead of it and starting to solve the problem. [00:15:54] So when you become more regulated, you can really see how we are aligned with reality. [00:16:01] We're more accepting of reality, and we move on from there. [00:16:05] Some of the objections of that and some of the things coming up for people right now might be like, isn't that depressing? [00:16:11] Like, you gotta fight.
Jenna Free [00:16:12]: You can't just accept it. [00:16:13] But it is what it is. [00:16:15] You can think that you shouldn't have been fired all the livelong day, you know, or let go, whatever it was. [00:16:22] But unless there's action you can take to say, hey, this was wrong. [00:16:27] This was an illegitimate, you know, letting go, and I'm gonna fight it. [00:16:31] That's different. [00:16:32] It's still acceptance. [00:16:33] Okay, I accept.
Jenna Free [00:16:34]: The reality is I'm currently fired. [00:16:37] What now? [00:16:37] Well, you know what? [00:16:38] I don't think that was legal. [00:16:39] I'm gonna fight it. [00:16:41] That's fine. [00:16:42] I'm not saying accept everything laying down and be a doormat and just whatever happens to you, too bad, so sad. [00:16:49] But if you sit in the fighting with realities, well, it shouldn't have been. [00:16:53] Well, it was unfair. [00:16:54] Well, blah, blah, blah.
Jenna Free [00:16:56]: Okay, but it still happened. [00:16:58] Maybe the, the solution is you gotta fight that because that was wrong. [00:17:02] And you think, hey, I think I'm gonna win that. [00:17:04] Like, that wasn't right, what they did, you know, for this reason or that reason. [00:17:08] I can see that that was illegal. [00:17:10] Great, that might be your next step. [00:17:12] But it's still, acceptance has to come first. [00:17:15] Because if you're still sitting there fighting with the reality that you were let go, you're never going to have your feet on the ground moving forward with the solution.
Moving Forward: Applying Regulation in Hard Times
Jenna Free [00:17:24]: So in the coming months, you might have a hard time, you know, whether it be something small, whether it be something devastating, whether it be a huge thing that happened in your life that's bringing up so much grief. [00:17:38] You can kind of just check in with these things when you're ready. [00:17:41] It's not. [00:17:42] This is not the thing to think about immediately, you know, when there's been a, a catastrophe. [00:17:48] Right. [00:17:49] Of course you're just going to be in your feelings and you got to feel those feelings. [00:17:52] You got to process it, you know, and be with your family or whatever it is. [00:17:56] But then at some point you might think, okay, you know, I'm feeling so horrible.Jenna Free [00:18:03]: I think there's some regulation to do here. [00:18:05] What's blocking that right now? [00:18:07] And then you can kind of come back to these points of, am I stuck in the morality of I should really be feeling bad about this? [00:18:14] Am I justifying and thinking, hey, being in fight or flight is going to help me here? [00:18:18] Because that's probably not true. [00:18:20] And the other points we talked about, those are things you can think of when you're having a hard time and you're feeling stuck again. [00:18:27] One of those points was you are a human that's going to go through hard stuff and it's going to be hard. [00:18:33] You also want to observe that. [00:18:34] Am I using regulation as an avoidance tactic to not feel these feelings? [00:18:40] Because maybe the solution is just to be in it for a little bit, and that's okay too. [00:18:46] You can actually regulate in that, though. [00:18:49] I'm kind of going back on my own point.
Jenna Free [00:18:51]: But you can regulate even in that way of knowing it's safe to feel sad, right? [00:18:58] It's safe to be upset, it's safe to feel grief, it's safe to cry my eyes out, you know? [00:19:06] Cause I think a lot of times we don't want to feel those feelings. [00:19:08] Yes, because they're painful is the word we use. [00:19:11] But I mean, sometimes they are physically painful. [00:19:15] Right. [00:19:15] But a lot of times it's just the judgment of like, oh, this shouldn't be happening. [00:19:21] But if we can regulate that top layer, oh my God, I shouldn't be crying like this. [00:19:25] It's so scary. [00:19:26] I can't be feeling this bad.
Jenna Free [00:19:28]: It's okay to feel bad sometimes. [00:19:30] You're safe, you know, there's no bear, you're not in imminent life threatening danger when you're grieving. [00:19:35] But again, I know it's so nuanced. [00:19:37] Sometimes it feels like you are because it's so big and so debilitating. [00:19:42] But I hope this conversation is helpful if something big is going on in your life, if you do feel like, hey, I've gotten out of the ordinary situation and I don't know what to do, these are the things we can consider. [00:19:56] So thank you so much for tuning in this week. [00:19:58] I hope that was helpful for you. [00:20:00] A few more insights, a little more nuance with regulation.
Jenna Free [00:20:03]: This work is quite complex, so I know sometimes it helps to talk about some different aspects of it. [00:20:09] Please share this podcast. [00:20:10] You know, if someone's having a hard time and they have adhd, even if it's something little, right? [00:20:14] Doesn't have to be a devastating thing in your life, it might just be something out of the ordinary. [00:20:19] Maybe you, you know, you got a promotion, it's a good thing, but now you have a bigger workload and you're feeling like that's out of the ordinary and I'm very dysregulated about it. [00:20:29] You could actually use these same points as well. [00:20:31] It doesn't have to be a bad thing, it just has to be, whoa, this is a big thing out of the ordinary that's causing more dysregulation than my typical day to day what's going on? [00:20:41] How do I cope with this? [00:20:42] I really think this approach is so important for every ADHD to be at least aware of. [00:20:47] So thank you so much and we will see you next week.