Break Free from ADHD Survival Mode and Find Joy Again
If you've ever made it through a hard day and realized you can't remember what any of it was really for, this episode is probably overdue.
ADHD survival mode is not a metaphor. It's what happens when your nervous system locks in on the immediate and loses access to everything else: the perspective and the things that really matter to you. Jenna calls it zooming in. The brain narrows to whatever's right in front of it, like taxes, groceries, or a rude email from Susan, and treats all of it like a genuine threat. Fight or flight kicks in. And fight-or-flight is only ever useful when you are in actual physical danger, meaning you can fight, flee, freeze, or fawn your way to safety. You can't do any of that with your inbox.
The problem is that when you're chronically in survival mode, you stop being able to ask the bigger question. Not "what do I need to get done today," but "is this really a life I'm happy with?" And if you can't answer that because you're too busy just getting through it, that's the episode.
Jenna frames this as a thought experiment and doesn't let it remain abstract. She asks you to imagine being at the end of your life looking back, not at the to-do lists you finished, but at whether you were present for the people and moments that made it worth it. That's a question that doesn't get raised often enough in conversations about ADHD, because most ADHD content stays stuck at the level of productivity and coping. This episode goes somewhere else.
Here's what we cover:
Why ADHD survival mode makes perspective physically impossible, not a personal failing
How the brain's fight or flight response shows up in daily life with ADHD, even when there's no real threat
What it looks like to zoom out and reconnect with what's important to you
How ADHD mindfulness shows up in ordinary moments, and why it doesn't require sitting still
Why dysregulation keeps you reaching for the less important thing, and how that becomes a cycle
What it means to prioritize with ADHD when your nervous system is running the show
The client story Jenna shares near the end is worth the whole episode. A mom takes her kids on a big, adventurous day out. When they come home, they tell their dad that their mom wasn't even on her phone all day. That's what they reported. Not the activities, or the adventure, just that she was there. And that's what gets at the real cost of staying in survival mode: the moments register, even when you think no one's paying attention.
Getting out of ADHD survival mode doesn't mean having your whole life figured out. But asking the question in the first place, and then catching one small moment in a day where you choose the thing that actually matters over the thing your dysregulation is telling you is urgent.
"I personally refuse to believe that the purpose of life is to check off the to-do list until we die."
Grab Jenna's free The ADHD Regulation Guide to start understanding how nervous system regulation applies beyond the everyday moments this episode covers.
If you're a clinician working with ADHD clients, Jenna's ADHD Regulation Method certification is open for the waitlist.
And Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is available wherever books are sold. Check your local library too.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Tools, Guides, and Announcements
Jenna Free [00:02:00 - 00:02:41]: [00:02:00] Can't wait to see what that brings up for you. [00:02:03] The insights. [00:02:04] And then of course, first action steps, you can actually get moving. [00:02:07] As we've mentioned before, the trap we get stuck in is learning, learning, learning information. [00:02:12] So we definitely want to focus on those implementation steps of the guide and actually do it. [00:02:18] And I just wanted to share that ADHD Groups is open this week for only five days, Monday to Friday the 9th to Thursday the 13th of June. [00:02:27] And what we are going to be doing is a little pre sale. [00:02:30] So if you join now, instead of waiting for the end of July when doors open normally, you are going to get first dibs at your time slot and a free course called Regulation Ready.Jenna Free [00:02:41 - 00:03:35]: [00:02:41] This is going to get you set up with your ADHD tools, like your calendars and your timers, taking stock, figuring out what's working for you, what's not. [00:02:47] I'm going to share how you can determine that get more regulated with your external stuff, your tools, and then your home as well. [00:02:54] How is your hormone organized? [00:02:56] How do you think about home care and organization? [00:02:59] And some small tweaks that are going to get you headed towards regulation. [00:03:05] So this course is only for those who join this week in the presale for ADHD group. [00:03:10] So if you've been interested, you've been thinking of joining, if you join this week, you will get that course instantly. [00:03:16] And then you also get a bonus coaching session with me about that course. [00:03:20] We're gonna talk about your tools, talk about your home, how we can get you set up so you can be as regulated as possible before we even div into that deep internal regulation work in the beginning of August. [00:03:31] So be sure to check that out in the link in the show notes if you're interested.
The Purpose of Life and Survival Mode
Jenna Free [00:03:35 - 00:03:58]: [00:03:35] And let's get into the episode. [00:03:36] So let's dive into the purpose of life. [00:03:40] When we are in survival mode, we lose perspective. [00:03:43] The brain zooms in. [00:03:44] This is biologically, this is not your choosing. [00:03:47] This is not, you know, what you think is important. [00:03:50] This is what the part of you that feels unsafe is, is focusing on. [00:03:55] So the brain zooms into just what's right in front of us.Jenna Free [00:03:58 - 00:04:19]: [00:03:58] I need to do my taxes. [00:03:59] Oh my God. [00:04:00] This is the most important thing I've ever, you know, experienced in my life. [00:04:03] And I'm so stressed about it. [00:04:04] I need to pick up the groceries. [00:04:05] Oh my gosh. [00:04:06] How am I going to fit that in between this appointment and that appointment? [00:04:09] Ah, Susan implied I wasn't being a good friend. [00:04:11] Let me ruminate on that for the afternoon, right? [00:04:14] It's these things that I'm not saying, they're not important at all, and you should throw it all out the window.
Jenna Free [00:04:20 - 00:05:00]: [00:04:20] But if you are in your regulated, calm state, meaning, okay, I'm not panicking, I've taken a deep breath, I'm calm for a minute. [00:04:30] You know, that's when we have that good perspective of like, what am I doing? [00:04:34] This is not really worth this amount of stress. [00:04:38] And quite frankly, if you're in survival mode, meaning in fight or flight, and you are not in imminent Life threatening danger. [00:04:45] Nothing is worth that amount of stress. [00:04:47] Right. [00:04:48] That level of stress. [00:04:49] Fight or flight is only ever useful when you are literally in physical danger at this exact second. [00:04:58] Meaning there is a chance I might not survive.
Jenna Free [00:05:01 - 00:05:45]: [00:05:01] You know, and that can be maybe a little wiggle room in what we consider that. [00:05:06] But if you cannot fight, flee, freeze or fawn your way out of this situation and have a good outcome from it, like that's the best chance you have of getting through this successfully, then we don't want to be in that state. [00:05:20] And when we are chronically in survival mode, we're in survival mode about doing the taxes, picking up the groceries, offended that a friend said something rude. [00:05:30] Right. [00:05:30] And is that imminent and life threatening? [00:05:32] Of course not. [00:05:33] Can you fight, flight, freeze or fawn your way to survive that or to get a good outcome of those things? [00:05:40] No. [00:05:40] The grocer is not gonna be happy when you fight him for your groceries. [00:05:44] Right? [00:05:44] Like that's not the approach.
Jenna Free [00:05:45 - 00:06:10]: [00:05:45] And we know that. [00:05:47] So that's how we know fight or flight isn't appropriate here. [00:05:49] It's going to happen because you are in survival mode. [00:05:53] And that's the whole reason why we're here, to work our way out of that. [00:05:57] But we can see how, okay, I'm losing perspective. [00:06:01] I biologically and physically losing perspective again. [00:06:06] I cannot iterate enough. [00:06:08] That that is not your fault.
Jenna Free [00:06:10 - 00:06:59]: [00:06:10] That is not your choice. [00:06:11] You know, it's not that you don't have depth or perspective inherently inside of you. [00:06:16] It's simply, ah, the survival mode has kind of overruled my sensibilities and my knowing of what's important because I know you know what's important to you. [00:06:27] We lose that knowing when we're in survival mode. [00:06:32] So what do we want to work on in this regard when it comes to being in survival mode, how do we want to shift this? [00:06:40] Of course getting out of survival mode is the ultimate, ultimate answer. [00:06:44] But that doesn't happen overnight. [00:06:46] So how do we work on this or observe this as its own part of this work? [00:06:51] So I want to kind of do this with you as a bit of a thought experiment for a moment. [00:06:56] So let's zoom out together, take a minute.
Perspective Exercise: Zooming Out
Jenna Free [00:06:59 - 00:07:28]: [00:06:59] If you are rushing to get somewhere right now, slow down. [00:07:04] Whether it be physically or nervous system wise, right? [00:07:08] Unclench that jaw. [00:07:12] Okay. [00:07:13] Really want you to think of what matters to you. [00:07:17] Tap into that regulated self, right? [00:07:19] Where you can see life in the bigger picture. [00:07:21] You have a bit more perspective. [00:07:23] What's going to matter? [00:07:24] A good question. [00:07:25] To kind of tap into that Perspective is what's going to matter.Jenna Free [00:07:28 - 00:08:13]: [00:07:28] When you're on your deathbed, are you going to say, wow, I'm so glad I kept up with that laundry. [00:07:34] I'm really glad I was that stressed about what my friend thought of me. [00:07:39] That was important. [00:07:40] Time well spent, energy well spent. [00:07:43] Of course not. [00:07:44] We all know that. [00:07:45] You know, I'm kind of being sarcastic, but the things that matter really right now, just kind of say them out louder in your head. [00:07:52] What is the thing that matters to you? [00:07:54] What is the point of all this running around now? [00:07:58] Whatever you said is probably something along the lines of enjoying the process, right? [00:08:03] Being here for it, being present, soaking it all in and connection with others, being with my kids, being time with my partner, being with my friends, spending time with my family.
Jenna Free [00:08:13 - 00:08:45]: [00:08:13] Quality time. [00:08:15] That's always the common theme, which I think is quite beautiful because that means there's some sort of deeper human connection we have with each other of, like, this truth that what's truly important is connection with others and enjoyment or at least experiencing life. [00:08:30] Right? [00:08:31] Most of us want to be here for it. [00:08:34] We'll talk about that in a minute. [00:08:35] If you're like, I don't want to be here for it. [00:08:37] This life sucks. [00:08:37] Why would I want to be present? [00:08:39] We'll talk about that. [00:08:39] But it's usually something about like, I don't want to just rush life by.
Jenna Free [00:08:46 - 00:09:21]: [00:08:46] I want to be here for it. [00:08:47] I want to enjoy it. [00:08:48] What are the two things we cannot do when we are in survival mode? [00:08:53] When your biology is in fight or flight, you cannot connect with others because we're masking. [00:09:00] We are, you know, in fight or flight, right? [00:09:04] Fight, aggressiveness, irritability. [00:09:07] You can't connect with people when you're in that mode. [00:09:10] And it's not cuz we're mean, not cuz you're nasty, not cuz you're not thoughtful or impatient or a V I T C H. [00:09:17] It's simply because your body is like, oh, my God. [00:09:20] I can't really worry about that right now.
Jenna Free [00:09:21 - 00:10:17]: [00:09:21] We're about to die and I'm just trying to keep myself alive, so stop talking to me. [00:09:26] I know with our kids that can be a big hard thing, right? [00:09:28] When all day we're irritable, we're frustrated, we're impatient, then they go to bed and we're like, oh, I love them so much. [00:09:37] It gives us a perspective because we're a little bit more regulated because we're not, right? [00:09:42] It like in the acute sensation of, oh, my God, I'm gonna die. [00:09:46] I need to juggle this. [00:09:47] I'm so stressed I can't deal with you right now. [00:09:49] We also cannot enjoy the process or be present because the brain isn't having it. [00:09:54] It's like there's no time to stop and smell the flowers self, we gotta outrun this bear, right? [00:10:00] So that is often why the ADHD experience can be so hollow. [00:10:06] You might feel numb, you might feel like some depth to life, like what the hell am I running around for? [00:10:12] Is this so depressing? [00:10:14] I'm so stressed all the time, just to get by, just to get through.
The Trap of Survival Mode
Jenna Free [00:10:18 - 00:10:58]: [00:10:18] But, but this is a little tricky because I am making a few assumptions here, but that idea of like, let's just how life is, I'm just in survival mode, I just got to get through. [00:10:28] I get that we'll have real genuine issues. [00:10:34] Housing, food, money, that stuff can be very stressful. [00:10:38] But for many, many, many, many people I talk to, that is not a true reality in the moment. [00:10:47] It could be a possibility, right? [00:10:48] We can have the idea, well, what if I lose my job and what if this and what if that. [00:10:51] But I'm talking like it's happening. [00:10:54] You can't afford to put food on the table. [00:10:56] You know, we're about to be homeless.Jenna Free [00:10:58 - 00:11:50]: [00:10:58] Unfortunately, fight or flight's still not helpful there because when your brain has less blood flow and you can't think logically, you can't fight your way out of that situation. [00:11:06] Right? [00:11:07] You can't. [00:11:07] Fleeing isn't going to solve the problem, freezing is not going to solve the problem, and fawning is probably not going to solve the problem. [00:11:14] So I'm kind of digressing, but that's a tricky situation because we can say, well, of course I'm in survival mode. [00:11:20] Look, we're on a tight budget this month. [00:11:22] Okay, but are you an imminent life threatening danger? [00:11:25] Cuz if not, you're going to have a better chance of dealing with that. [00:11:29] Well, if you are regulated and you know, I know this is a little controversial, but this is life. [00:11:40] Do we want to rush life by even in the hard times? [00:11:46] Obviously, depending on the level of that hard time, the answer might be yes.
Jenna Free [00:11:51 - 00:13:02]: [00:11:51] But if it's like, oh, it's a stressful time at work, my kid, you know, is going through a really difficult phase. [00:11:59] You know, there's a lot of situations where we can get in that mentality of like, oh my God, I just want to rush this by, let's move this along, get on to the next part of life. [00:12:07] But then we do that for 20 years, right? [00:12:09] Because there's always gonna be something in life that's challenging, some element, whether it be in relationships, whether it be job, whether it be stress related, whether it be culturally, societally, something hard going on. [00:12:24] But if we're gonna rush through life every time something difficult's happening, we're never gonna be here for it. [00:12:31] And then what was the point of it all? [00:12:34] And I don't mean that to sound nihilistic and like, so give up now. [00:12:38] I mean, the opposite of, oh, this is it. [00:12:42] Even when hard stuff's going on, what matters to me? [00:12:45] How can I soak in what matters to me and tap into what matters to me even when we're going through hard stuff? [00:12:53] Right. [00:12:54] And again, I'm not saying this is appropriate for everyone in every circumstance, but for many people, we want to tap into that.
Losing What Matters
Jenna Free [00:13:03 - 00:13:55]: [00:13:03] So the things that matter to us when we are dysregulated often get shoved to the bottom of the list. [00:13:10] Like enjoyment. [00:13:11] Spending quality time, having fun with your people, laughing, savoring the moment that feels unimportant to your brain when your brain is thinking, oh my God, there's so much to get done, I just have to get everything done and then we'll be okay, and then I can enjoy myself. [00:13:23] Okay, but when is that? [00:13:24] And then never coming, when are we ever gonna get there? [00:13:28] Probably hasn't happened for you yet. [00:13:29] And if it has, it's like one afternoon and then something new's on your plate and back to that, not tapping into what really matters. [00:13:37] So what's so hard is when we are in fight or flight, we still have this conscious mind and that's where it can feel like we have this internal battle. [00:13:47] Like, well, I know what's important to me is spending time with my kids, enjoying life. [00:13:52] I want to have these like nice mornings out on the deck.Jenna Free [00:13:55 - 00:14:37]: [00:13:55] I want to have my coffee and enjoy it for even three minutes. [00:13:58] Right? [00:13:58] That would be lovely morning. [00:13:59] But instead I always just end up running around. [00:14:02] I just quickly going to do this, I'm quickly going to do that, and then I'm late and I'm frantic and I'm never tapping into what I actually want to do in the evenings instead of, you know, my partner and my kids are always sitting around having fun and I'm rushing around the house doing all this stuff. [00:14:17] And I know it's important to me, I want to join them, but I just feel like I can't. [00:14:21] Right. [00:14:21] There's this awareness of like what you want and what's important to you, but also such a discomfort And a dysregulated parts of us that it feels impossible to challenge those dysregulated parts of us. [00:14:34] And then we kind of succumb to them, if you will.
Jenna Free [00:14:37 - 00:15:16]: [00:14:37] It's like, well, I'm so uncomfortable sitting here with the family and playing the game or doing the thing, because I'm just thinking in my mind, well, we have to do this, but I have to do this, and we need to do that, and I need to make sure this is finished. [00:14:47] And. [00:14:49] And that kind of wins. [00:14:50] And then we end up running around doing all this stuff. [00:14:53] And then again, like I said, especially with kids and family, I find it's like once everyone's gone to bed, you're more regulated. [00:15:00] You have more of a clear mind. [00:15:02] Then you tap into like, oh, God, I did it again. [00:15:06] What I really wanted to do was play that game with my family or be outside with them while they're hanging out and I was inside rushing around or saying, I gotta go do errands.
Jenna Free [00:15:16 - 00:15:39]: [00:15:16] I gotta go do this, and I'm never with them. [00:15:19] Damn it, I did it again. [00:15:21] Just know that's not because you can't prioritize. [00:15:24] It's not because you don't really care. [00:15:26] It's just because you're in survival mode. [00:15:28] And we can work on that. [00:15:30] And so we'll talk about how we can work on that, like, directly before we wrap today. [00:15:36] But of course, the ultimate answer is getting out of survival mode.
When Life Feels Too Hard
Jenna Free [00:15:39 - 00:16:04]: [00:15:39] All right, do you want to touch on the idea? [00:15:41] Because I get this sometimes when I post about this topic, but life sucks. [00:15:46] I don't want to be here for it. [00:15:47] I want to dissociate. [00:15:48] I don't want to be present. [00:15:50] Look, I know life can be very hard, and there's a reality to that, but also a lot of the reason it sucks is because we're in survival mode. [00:16:00] We're not tapping into what matters. [00:16:01] We're not spending time and enjoyment. [00:16:03] We're not spending time with our loved ones.Jenna Free [00:16:04 - 00:16:36]: [00:16:04] We're not connecting. [00:16:05] We don't have that fulfillment required to satisfy us in hard times, in a life that can be challenging. [00:16:17] But when you are not in survival mode, when you're not in fight or flight, it'll feel so much better. [00:16:24] Doesn't mean life sucks just because being dysregulated sucks. [00:16:28] Again, I'm not saying life's easy and peachy keen, and it's all. [00:16:32] It's all dysregulation's fault. [00:16:33] And once you're regulated, everything's going to be perfect. [00:16:36] Absolutely not.
Jenna Free [00:16:36 - 00:17:16]: [00:16:36] Of course, not for anybody. [00:16:38] And some people have privilege and some people don't. [00:16:40] And some people are having a really hard time. [00:16:43] I'm not discounting that reality, however, it can get so much better if you are here for it. [00:16:52] It can get so much better if you are connecting and having that fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from spending time with the things that matter to us and in the ways that matter to us. [00:17:04] So another angle I want to consider is pointing out I'm not just talking about fun. [00:17:10] Fun, joy, joy. [00:17:11] Everything's always cool, right? [00:17:13] Because you know, the social media trend of like, oh, I almost forgot this was the whole point.
Mindfulness and Being Present
Jenna Free [00:17:16 - 00:18:13]: [00:17:16] And there's a certain little song over it and many people show videos of nature and doing fun things and going on vacation and enjoyment and kind of like the slow savoring of life. [00:17:29] That is beautiful and that is so true. [00:17:31] But also we forget that the whole point is really the experience of all of it. [00:17:36] I think we discount, like, well, if I'm working around the home and I'm washing dishes and I'm, you know, cleaning and I'm organizing that, that's like time wasted. [00:17:46] And I'm just gonna rush through it and try to get to the next part, you know, where I can go out in nature and look, that's life too. [00:17:54] And that's the point as well. [00:17:56] It's like, wow, how do I soak up the experience of life? [00:17:59] And I mean all of it. [00:18:01] I mean, me doing this podcast, I mean, you listening to this podcast, doing whatever you're doing, I mean, you know, walking to the bus to pick up my kids.Jenna Free [00:18:13 - 00:19:18]: [00:18:13] I intentionally leave my phone at home when I do that, even though it's like a literal one minute walk. [00:18:19] But, you know, us can't have a minute of silence. [00:18:21] But I'm really like, feeling the sun on my face, going for a stroll, appreciating that I have the freedom to pick them up from the bus. [00:18:30] You know, I get that that's a privilege. [00:18:32] You know, walking, just the calm moment, standing there for a couple minutes, waiting without my phone, watching some cars go by, looking around at the trees like, that's life. [00:18:46] That is just much part of life as, you know, going on a fancy vacation. [00:18:53] It's all just life. [00:18:55] And so when we can tap into what's more important, yes, you're gonna have the big moments, like, wow, I'm spending more time with my family and really diving into life and enjoying it, but also like kind of opening our eyes and being here for it, whatever that it is, whether it Be, oh, I'm making my coffee, you know, watching it come out of the machine.
Jenna Free [00:19:18 - 00:20:27]: [00:19:18] I know this sounds silly, but this is kind of what mindfulness is, right? [00:19:20] Just being here for the process of life. [00:19:23] Even when it's not a thrill every minute, even when it's not, like, super amazing every minute. [00:19:28] You know, even that bus example of walking to the bus, I can be present and have the enjoyment of that, even if other things are happening in my life that are challenging. [00:19:41] So even when, you know, I have work stuff going on that's super, super stressful and I'm anxious about that, it's so nice to have even the option to try to be present and be aware of, like, oh, okay, and I'm going to pick up my kids from the bus now, like, let me leave this here and just savor for a few moments the reality that this is very pleasant and very nice. [00:20:08] But it's often our dysregulation and our thinking about things that make everything so unpleasant, right? [00:20:13] Because if I'm still thinking about work and I'm on my phone and going, oh, my gosh, I have to do this and I have to deal with this, and how am I gonna do that tomorrow? [00:20:19] Da, da, da, da. [00:20:19] While walking to the bus, the reality is the same. [00:20:22] I am walking to the bus. [00:20:23] And this actually is quite a lovely experience if I was here for it.
Jenna Free [00:20:27 - 00:21:27]: [00:20:27] But because I'm dysregulated, my brain's kind of discounting that. [00:20:32] So this is. [00:20:32] I know it's kind of a long winded, tiny example, but we really can bring this mentality into every moment. [00:20:40] Am I here for this? [00:20:42] Am I enjoying? [00:20:44] And you can just use the word experiencing, so I get that not everything's enjoyable. [00:20:47] Am I experiencing this life in the moment and am I connecting with my people? [00:20:54] Because that is really what matters in the end for most people when people share with me. [00:20:58] So what do we do with this? [00:21:01] I would love you in the next week to just observe when you are diminishing what is important for the things that aren't. [00:21:10] So when you notice, you know, say your kids are getting off the bus and you're on your phone dealing with something stressful, just notice, like, oh, I see. [00:21:17] I'm putting the priority on this stressful task that really, in the scheme of things, doesn't matter, because honestly, whatever it is, it can wait two minutes till you get to the house.
The Challenge: Making the Important Things a Priority
Jenna Free [00:21:27 - 00:22:16]: [00:21:27] Right? [00:21:28] For my example. [00:21:29] But like, I'm here with the kids after a day of school, I want to be here and be present for it. [00:21:35] See if you can challenge that in that instance. [00:21:38] And like, oh, I see what I'm doing here. [00:21:40] And I know what's important is, you know, saying hi and being here with them for two minutes even while we walk to the house, okay, putting that away and it's gonna be uncomfortable. [00:21:50] That's the thing we do that we prioritize the less important thing because it soothes our dysregulation. [00:21:59] So, you know, being on the phone, dealing with a work issue, sending an email makes us feel more comfortable because we feel uncomfortable and unsafe in, like, having something undealt with having something kind of quote unquote hanging over our heads. [00:22:14] So I can't enjoy being with my kids until this is dealt with.Jenna Free [00:22:16 - 00:22:48]: [00:22:16] But that is such a trap. [00:22:17] There's always going to be something. [00:22:19] And we cannot let the dysregulation run how we live our lives, because it just becomes a cycle that's absolute madness. [00:22:27] So that's the challenge here. [00:22:28] Observing where doing the thing that's not important and sacrificing the thing that is important in this second, right? [00:22:35] We're just. [00:22:35] We're only ever dealing with the present. [00:22:38] Just see if you can be aware of that. [00:22:39] And that might be, oh, I'm, you know, walking around the house doing some stuff that really does not need to be done right now because we're the grown up, we can decide.
Jenna Free [00:22:49 - 00:23:24]: [00:22:49] And so I'm gonna go, you know, sit with my kids for five minutes. [00:22:54] Sometimes that's all it takes, right? [00:22:55] You don't need to, like, okay, I'm going to dedicate the whole night and not do anything. [00:22:59] I'm going to take a bit of time, set it aside, be with my people, or even go sit out on my own deck by myself in the sun and go from there. [00:23:06] See if you can challenge it. [00:23:08] It will be uncomfortable, but we got to take the action to show our brain and body. [00:23:14] Hey, look, it's safe. [00:23:15] It is safe to chill with my kids for a bit. [00:23:17] It is safe to go sit on the deck, you know, with my cup of tea and not just get this all over with.
Jenna Free [00:23:24 - 00:23:50]: [00:23:24] I can really be here for it. [00:23:25] I just wanted to leave you with a little story that I thought was, like. [00:23:28] It's like heartbreaking but, like, so beautiful at the same time. [00:23:32] So I was working with a client who took her kids on a day out. [00:23:35] It was like a big day out, quite special for them. [00:23:36] It was a big, adventurous day. [00:23:38] They did a bunch of different stuff and activities. [00:23:40] When they came home, they said to their dad and she's an entrepreneur, so it's very, like, working all the time to soothe this regulation, not necessarily because it was necessary.
Jenna Free [00:23:51 - 00:24:31]: [00:23:51] They came in, they said, dad, mom didn't even work all day, not even on her phone. [00:23:57] And then to me, she was kind of disappointed, like, oh, that sucked. [00:24:01] Like, they didn't even care about all the cool stuff we did. [00:24:03] We did all this exciting things, and they didn't even care. [00:24:06] But I didn't see it that way. [00:24:08] I saw it as, like, how gorgeous and loving that they just wanted to be with their mom. [00:24:15] They didn't care what they were doing, but she prioritized what was important above the kind of survival mode stuff that she was typically doing. [00:24:25] And they freaking noticed, right? [00:24:27] They noticed so heavily that that's all they reported back after their big day.
Jenna Free [00:24:32 - 00:25:08]: [00:24:32] And that is. [00:24:32] What is important, is that aha. [00:24:34] Moment of like, oh, my God, that's. [00:24:36] They didn't care about all the stuff we did. [00:24:38] They just cared that I wasn't on my phone, because I usually am. [00:24:41] I don't want anyone to go to the place of shame and guilt for that, because there's no room for that in regulation work. [00:24:46] But just the awareness of, oh, it's actually quite simple what's going to bring more joy to everybody, and it's going to be getting out of survival mode and tapping into what's important more often. [00:24:59] So as you move through the week, I just want you to really, with a positive, curious mind, again, just don't, don't fall into that guilt and shame pit.
Jenna Free [00:25:08 - 00:25:29]: [00:25:08] That's easy to fall into, but that's the dysregulation that does that. [00:25:12] That's not the true you. [00:25:14] The true you is very like, isn't that interesting? [00:25:16] Oh, wow. [00:25:17] Let me reflect on that. [00:25:19] Well, that is something I would like to work on and change. [00:25:21] Right. [00:25:22] It's more positive desire for change as opposed to motivating ourselves through guilt and shame, as we've talked about before. [00:25:28] So go through your week.
Closing and Call to Action
Jenna Free [00:25:30 - 00:26:00]: [00:25:30] Really just observe where we're discounting what's important for what's unimportant and challenge it in a small moment. [00:25:36] If you do it one time in a day, that'd be so cool. [00:25:39] That would be a great gateway to change is, wow, I'm gonna spend five minutes with my kids, even though I feel uncomfortable and even though my brain's going, you should really go do that. [00:25:48] You should really go do this. [00:25:50] Nope, I know. [00:25:51] That's the dysregulation talking. [00:25:53] I'm gonna sit here and do what's important for five minutes, right? [00:25:56] Does not have to be all or nothing. [00:25:58] I know we can get stuck in that.Jenna Free [00:26:01 - 00:26:24]: [00:26:01] So thank you so much for being here again. [00:26:03] I hope to see you in the ADHD reset in the pre launch this week, getting your course so you can do that kind of external reset. [00:26:11] Get reset ready and we will be diving in the first week of August and doing all this work so you can get out of survival mode for good. [00:26:21] Okay, thank you. [00:26:23] We'll see you next week.