ADHD and Relationships: How to Stay Regulated with the People You Love
You know how you can hold it together all day with coworkers, at school pickup, in the grocery store, and then the second you walk in your front door, everything comes out sideways. You're snappier with your partner, more defensive with your kids. The people you want to enjoy get the worst version of you.
Home is where the mask comes off and the nervous system that's been performing regulation all day finally lets go. If that pattern feels familiar, this episode offers a way to understand what's happening, so you can start shifting it without gritting your teeth through dinner.
Relationships and ADHD get complicated because the same nervous system that's been on high alert all day doesn't magically settle when you get home. It drops the mask and reaches for whatever soothed it before. Defensiveness soothed the discomfort of criticism, so it comes back. Impatience soothed the anxiety of running late, so it stays on even when nothing is urgent. Controlling how other people do things soothes the discomfort of watching someone do it differently, so you keep inserting yourself. None of it is a character flaw, but ADHD nervous system dysregulation looking for a way to feel safe, and the soothing tends to land on the people closest to you.
Here's what we cover:
Why relationships and ADHD get so tangled at home, and what's happening in your nervous system when you snap at the people you love
How ADHD defensiveness works as a fight or flight response, and why a comment about the deck can feel like an attack
The connection between ADHD rejection sensitive dysphoria and how quickly your walls go up when someone offers feedback
Why impatience in relationships shows up strongest with the people you love, and what mental rushing has to do with it
ADHD controlling behavior and where it comes from, including the moments you insert yourself when you don't need to
What co-regulation looks like when you're the one bringing calm into the room instead of adding to the chaos
How ADHD parenting dysregulation shows up in the small moments, and why slowing down matters more than any parenting strategy
A practical way to notice when you're mentally rushing, even when nothing around you is actually urgent
The point of this work isn't to get better at acting regulated around your family. Acting is exhausting, and the people you live with can feel the performance anyway. The point is to actually become regulated, so the softness in the room is real and comes from you.
"If you regulate in your relationships, you are going to become the person that people get affected by, the one that brings the calm into the room."
Jenna is also hosting a live workshop on July 15, called Calm is Contagious, on co-regulation, ADHD, and relationships, and how to become the regulated force in your household even when the people around you aren't doing the work themselves. Grab your spot here.
If you're working on ADHD nervous system regulation, grab Jenna's free guide, The ADHD Regulation Guide.
And if you're a therapist, counselor, coach, or occupational therapist who wants to bring this work into your practice, get on the waitlist for the ADHD Regulation Method certification, launching in September 2026.
Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is available wherever books are sold. Check your local library too, since they have it.
Connect with Jenna
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Why the Mask Comes Off at Home
Jenna Free [00:01:39]: Right? These are the people we want to be having a good time with and having loving interactions. And I know it isn't always that way. So much like a child that goes to school, holds it all together and then comes home and has tantrums. We are not much different, right? You probably are more not regulated, but masking that you're regulated with other people. So it might be, you know, with your co workers, with more of acquaintances and when you're in public, but then when we get home, just like that kid having a tantrum, our nervous system does feel more safe to kind of drop the walls and let it rip. And this can look like irritability, being snappy with our loved ones, being impatient, defensive, trying to control and just all of those experiences that we have in relationships and this is all about the nervous system being dysregulated and feeling like we do have to kind of fake it all day, put that mask up, act regulated. And then when we get home it's hard to keep up that act. But what's really important is we aren't saying okay, let it rip because this is where you're most comfortable, this is where you feel safe.Jenna Free [00:02:53]: So isn't that nice what we're saying is, oh, I want to be regulated so I can be connected and at peace with the people who matter most. So that is what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to talk about three specific things that can come up when we're dysregulated in our relationship. So the first is defensiveness. So I'm sure you have felt this and experienced this a lot, and not just at home, but we can be defensive people. So that could be, you know, with rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria. We know that it feels so uncomfortable to be criticized. Even the perception of someone might be criticizing us.
ADHD Defensiveness as a Fight or Flight Response
Jenna Free [00:03:33]: Any sort of feedback, we can really put those defensive walls up really quickly. But defensiveness is a system of dysregulation. So defensiveness, think about it happens when we feel in danger. We need to defend ourselves. What do I need to defend against? Predators, Danger, Things that are going to hurt me? But of course, our partner asking if we're going to do the laundry today is not a threat, I promise. I know it feels personal. It feels like an attack. We can have a big reaction internally, and there's a lot of feelings.Jenna Free [00:04:12]: That's what dysregulation is. It's a very uncomfortable sensation, and it can cause a lot of fights, can cause a lot of problems, and it can really prevent being able to connect, being able to communicate, being able to, you know, ask questions or be asked questions, have things pointed out, and it not be something that people worried about bringing up. And I know you must feel this way. I know I feel this way. I never want to be a person that people have to walk on eggshells around. I know I have been especially at the most dysregulated phases of my life, but that is not something I want to carry with me. And it's also very tiring. So, yes, it's unpleasant for the people we're with.
Jenna Free [00:04:53]: If we're very defensive, we can't be told anything. We can't be asked anything, or take everything very personally. But it's also exhausting, right, to always be on the defense against danger when you're in a safe place is a real waste of energy. So this isn't about emotional volatility or even emotional dysregulation. You're gonna hear this a lot in the ADHD world, but it's actually a lot simpler than that. And it is the nervous system feeling unsafe. Dysregulation. One of the biggest things that have changed for me since being more regulated as an ADHDer is being able to hear criticism, not completely buckle under it.
Hearing Criticism Without Buckling
Jenna Free [00:05:32]: Of course, I still don't like it. I still can get feelings of this is uncomfortable. I prefer not to have it, but I really can hear it and take it in and even use some of it. I can get negative comments in my business, right? I'm on social media, I am public facing business and I get comments. Some of them create some defensiveness in me, right? My first instinct is like, what do you know? Or that's not true. But when I can identify that in myself, so it's not that it's completely disappeared, but when I feel that, I go, oh, I'm getting defensive. This is safe. Especially like words on a screen.Jenna Free [00:06:14]: I am safe. This is not gonna hurt me. It's not gonna jump up and attack me, okay? So I can take a beat, read it, and really take something in from it. Is there something true here? Sometimes there's not. And it's just meanness, right? Of course we're gonna have boundaries and go, oh, well, what do you know? Carrying on. But some things have a point. One thing I often share is there was someone, you know, I think it was like two years ago now, who on one of my posts said, oh, well, you talk about regulation. We don't really say how to do it.
Jenna Free [00:06:50]: It wasn't those exact words, but it was rooted, like a little snarky. And so my first instinct is like, I'm giving so much for free. It's like, defensive little brat in my brain. And I went, okay, is there something helpful in what they're saying? And I went, yeah, well, I don't have anything, you know, at that time, actually give people to take a first step. Oh, why don't I make a free ADHD regulation guide with a bit more information, some first steps so people feel like they know what they're doing, at least to get started. Well, thank God that person said that. And I was able to hear it, take it in and not take it like a personal affront and ignore it completely and move on. Because now I think like 45,000 people have downloaded that.
Jenna Free [00:07:34]: It's been a great way to share my work. It's been really helpful for people and has really helped my business as well. So that's the kind of thing we want to be open to. I want to be able to hear what people are saying and not just put my walls up and ignore everything. And then in my personal life, this has really helped a lot as well. I vividly remember one time, it was last summer And I was in charge of cleaning off the deck. I had the power washer, came back inside. I was doing the dishes.
Jenna Free [00:08:01]: I was standing at the sink, and my husband came in, said, oh, you missed, like, a whole part of the deck. Like, he didn't pressure wash it very well. And my immediate response was, well, you're good at some things, and I'm good at others. Like, that's just not something I'm gonna be good at looking at, like, the details and. But it was so nice to have that be, like, a light interaction. And he went, oh, ha, ha. That's true. And we carried on.
How to Notice Defensiveness in the Moment
Jenna Free [00:08:28]: Instead of it becoming a fight where I'm defensive and I'm mad that you're criticizing me, I'm trying my best, right? And we know how that can go, and it's gone for me that way many times in the past. But I really have found, like, my walls are down. I mean, especially with partners, we know how triggering these things can be. We see them as criticism and judgments. They might just be saying something or commenting on something. And it is really nice for it to be an interaction that's, you know, just a passing little comment instead of a whole upheaval. So the next time you feel defensive, take a deep breath. I understand.Jenna Free [00:09:04]: It's physical, right? You got a lot of stuff kicking up internally. Your animal self is, like, trying to keep you safe and kind of prodding you to defend. Put that wall up, get aggressive, but just take a second, slow down. I really find being as literal as possible or as communicative as possible can help. So if it's an appropriate situation, say, with a partner, I would even say, like, I'm feeling defensive right now. Instead of being defensive, say you're feeling that it can really dissipate things. And then see if you can challenge the instinct to kind of throw that punch figuratively or respond, like, within that second. This can be a lot easier to start with with written communication, so you might want to start there intentionally.
Retraining Your Nervous System Through Written Communication
Jenna Free [00:09:54]: So say you get a text and your instinct is, like, to reply back, really snarky and fast. Oh, wait a minute. Okay, what is this saying? You know what? Could I reply differently? Taking a minute and really just being intentional. Because what that does is not just, ooh, I should act this way, right? And we're going to just fake it for the rest of our lives. It's. I want to retrain my nervous system that there's no need to be defensive here. I am safe to be calm, collected, even soft. Like, vulnerable.Jenna Free [00:10:27]: Being vulnerable is okay. Being vulnerable is safe, especially with our loved ones. So just observing, am I putting my hard shell out or am I showing my belly? That's a little bit of an analogy you can think of with, like, what's the energy you're bringing to a situation that is safe? So that's something you can think about this week. The second is patience. We know as adhders we can be very impatient, very in a rush, but this is not an inherent part of who you are. This is not just your brain and you gotta suck it up and go with it. That is a huge part of fight or flight, and it's really the foundation of being a fight or flight, and it's what affects everything. So if we're in a rush, as if, you know, the danger's on our heels, I'm running from the bear.
ADHD Impatience and the Rushing You Can't Turn Off
Jenna Free [00:11:12]: I need to go, go, go. When we live life in this way, and it's not by choice, you're not choosing to do it, you're not silly for doing it. This is a biological response to your nervous system feeling unsafe. But when you live this way, it will seep into everything. It will be the way you function even when it doesn't make any sense. So say you're logically rushing and using this kind of impatience and intense energy at work. Wow, I'm really getting a lot done. Or to get the kids out the door for school in the morning.Jenna Free [00:11:42]: These kind of these places where it quote unquote makes sense and is a bit more of a choice, but that will absolutely follow you everywhere. So you're going to be rushing your kids, you know, in times when it makes no sense, like, oh, they're telling me a story. We have nowhere to be. There's nothing to do. Yet I'm, like, rushing them through it. Like, okay, get to the point. Or we're getting the kids out the door to go to the store, and we're just really stuck in urgency and like, let's go, let's go, let's go. But there's no timeline.
Jenna Free [00:12:11]: You have nothing else to do today. Yet we're rushing everywhere. It is going to follow you everywhere, even in enjoyment, relaxation, even on vacation. Think of instances where, oh, yeah, I could see where I was like, okay, guys, we gotta get there for that lunch reservation. And blah, blah, blah, we're on vacation. There's no rush. Even if it's a lunch reservation, there's often wiggle room. You can always cancel.
Living Filled to the Brim in Survival Mode
Jenna Free [00:12:39]: You could do something else. But often it's just this innate rushing and impatience that we get stuck in. It's like this switch that gets stuck on and we can't turn it off even when it makes no sense for it to be on. So impatience and irritability also happen when we're functioning in survival mode. So when you're filled to the brim, like, you know that sensation, like, if one tiny thing goes wrong here, I'm gonna blow, I'm gonna flip my lid. The solution there is not, don't flip your lid. And I would say a lot of emotional regulation work is like, how do we not get that lid flipped? But what nervous system regulation work in is. Is let's not function where you're filled to the brim, where you're always on edge, where one more thing is going to send me over.Jenna Free [00:13:26]: And that is going to require a real baseline retraining of your system to slow down. There is no rush. And that truly is at the core of all this regulation work, which I talk about a lot of different elements. The core is there's no rush. I would say that is my life motto at this point. It is the most helpful kind of beacon, the thing to follow to have everything else work better for you. So if you are feeling irritable, you're feeling impatient, you're always in a rush. We want to counteract that and challenge that.
Jenna Free [00:14:07]: Is that uncomfortable? Yep. But it's so worth it. So see where you could do that, even just this week, when your instinct is, come on, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, or you're just rushing even when you're on your own. How could you slow down if you're writing an email to get it over with? Trying to get things over with is a really strong sign. How could I slow down and just write this email at a normal pace? Doesn't mean you need to meander, dilly dally, or be purposeless. We're just not acting as if we're being chased by a bear. I will say one place that I really utilize is with my kids, because we are talking about relationships. But how you do one thing is how you do everything.
Focus Versus Urgency with Your Kids
Jenna Free [00:14:49]: So even when you're alone, if you're rushing, it's going to affect how you are with your people. But in the morning, getting kids out the door to go to school, I know is a real hardship for many, many parents, especially dysregulated adhders. And so what I have really worked on, and I'm not perfect, there's never the goal I get sucked up into. Like, come on, Guys, let's go here and there. But it is counteracted with my intention and awareness to not rely on urgency to get us moving. So if you take away the urgency as the way to do it, how else could you do it? I really find focus is what I'm after with my kids, not urgency. I don't necessarily want them to frantically move. I just want them to move in the right direction.Jenna Free [00:15:37]: So my prompts might be more like, okay, what's your job Right now we're putting our shoes on. And I find when I'm quieter and calmer, they're much more likely to actually do that than if I'm saying, come on, come on, guys, let's go, we gotta get going. That just dysregulates them, dysregulates me. None of us are thinking clearly and it's much more hectic. So this idea of focus versus urgency could be a good way to start making that shift. But it is just really interesting is you can retrain your system from rushing and being impatient by slowing down. I think it's almost a little counterintuitive because we're thinking, well, I'm rushing and impatient because I have so much to do and I have to move faster. But it's just a state your body is stuck in.
Jenna Free [00:16:22]: It's untrue. You being panicked and rushing a promise is not making your life more successful. It is not getting you places faster. It is causing a lot of problems. So just think, okay, I've been rushing for many, many years now. You know, are you caught up yet? Do you feel like you have your feet firmly on the ground and you're good now? No. It's a constant rat race. So we really want to retrain that part of us to increase our patience.
ADHD Controlling Behavior and Why You Insert Yourself
Jenna Free [00:16:51]: And lastly is when we try to control or fix the people around us instead of letting them be who they are. Now, I know when we have ADHD and we're dysregulated, we can go into all or nothing thinking, right? So the first thing might be, yeah, well, my partner never does this properly and it's so frustrating. And I can't just let that be. Look, I'm not saying let's accept every behavior of every person around us and never say anything and never direct anything, but can we look at where we are getting involved that really we could leave it alone? I am getting involved because it's making me uncomfortable that this thing that's happening not because it's logical. Right. There's some things where my kids are doing Something where, oh, that's going to damage that table. I'm going to direct them, okay, no, stop doing that or I'm taking that away. Of course, but there's many, many instances and of course as I work on regulation it gets less and less.Jenna Free [00:17:51]: But there's many instances I have seen where I'm getting involved in something that is not logical. I'm only doing it because it's making me dysregulated and I want to feel better, I want my dysregulation to go away so I'm going to try to control the situation. So for example, just the other day my boys were playing some sort of game with a ball in the living room and, and I really was inserting myself unnecessarily. I didn't think they were playing the game fairly. I thought my 7 year old wasn't playing it well with my 6 year old. They thought he was being a bit too bossy. So I was saying that don't be so bossy and do it this way and that way. I was really stuck in trying to control the situation because the way they were doing it was making my nervous system uncomfortable.
Jenna Free [00:18:37]: So that is a really clear thing to start noticing. Am I doing this because it's logical and it's a choice I'm making? Is this more reactive? So for that game they were playing, I noticed that and I went, ah, play how you want, you know, it's not my game. And did one of them end up upset? Probably. I don't remember now, but usually one of them does. But that's six and seven year old boys for you. Like whether I insert myself, whether I try to direct the situation or I don't, someone's probably going to be annoyed by the end and that is okay. Usually that's what we're trying to do, right? When we're doing things that we really don't need to be controlling, we're trying to prevent the outcome from being one we don't like. And so maybe you hate it when your kids fight so you always get involved to try to prevent that.
The Domino Effect of Trying to Control Everyone
Jenna Free [00:19:23]: But does it work? Probably not. And it's making you more dysregulated because now there's more you're trying to manage, you're trying to control, which is very dysregulating. So it is definitely a domino effect of the more I try to control and the more I stress about what other people are doing and how they're doing it, the more dysregulated I get, which makes me Want to control and get myself involved even more into how everyone's doing everything because I'm uncomfortable, and this is the way I soothe my discomfort. And that's the thing with regulation is whenever you try to soothe it, you're actually feeling it. So when you soothe, you know, the discomfort of criticism with defensiveness, you're actually telling your nervous system, yes, this is a danger. Let's be defensive. Ooh, look, defensiveness worked. I didn't die.Jenna Free [00:20:10]: Let's do that again next time. Or impatience, oh, I have this discomfort. Maybe you're feeling a bit jittery. Maybe you're worried about, you know, getting things done or getting places on time. You have anxiety. So rushing, rushing, moving really quickly. Panicking soothes that fear because it, it provides move in. And we must be moving fast, and I must be getting there faster if I'm moving this frantically.
Jenna Free [00:20:32]: So every time we do that, the system goes, oh, okay, that worked. We didn't die. We made it here. Things turned out somewhat okay, all right, great. Let's do that again next time. And same with getting ourselves involved. If I get myself involved and we all survive, because that's the level that the nervous system functions at. It doesn't even necessarily have to go, well, maybe with the rushing, you're still late.
Co-Regulation and Becoming the Calm in the Room
Jenna Free [00:20:57]: Maybe with the getting yourself involved with your kids, they still end up fighting. Your system just knows, okay, but it wasn't so bad. We all survived. So this must be a good way to handle this. And so your system will go to that more and more and more. And what's really amazing about this work is that co regulation exists, especially when it comes to trying to control or kind of get ourselves involved in other people. It's very easy to go, well, they're dysregulated, or my partner's dysregulated, or my kids are so dysregulated, so it dysregulates me. There's nothing I can do about that.Jenna Free [00:21:31]: So I'm going to try to regulate them, you know, by getting involved so that I can feel better. So that kind of co regulation is real. Right? If your partner is a super dysregulated person who's always in a rush, full of anxiety and, you know, very frazzled, I understand that that's going to make you dysregulated. That's going to have you be in a rush, that's going to trigger your nervous system. It works the other way too. If you regulate in your relationships, you are going to become the person that people get Affected by the one that brings the calm into the room, the one that starts affecting everybody else. And I will say that has been one of the biggest side effects of my work in regulation is how much my husband has been more regulated. He doesn't explicitly do this work, and it's like he did just because I did.
Jenna Free [00:22:24]: And that's what's really cool. I would say he is much less critical, he is much less stressed. He still has his anxious moments in the human stuff, but I would say it's dialed down at least 50% that it used to be. And just the longer I do this work, I see changes in the people around me and it's really cool. Of course, my kids still get upset. My kids can still be dysregulated. But even in my presence, I'm less often adding to it and more often calming the room than adding to the dysregulation. So if this is something that feels like you want to work on more, you really want to have that more peaceful household.
Calm is Contagious Workshop
Jenna Free [00:23:04]: You want to be less reactive, less defensive, be able to hear, you know, comments from your spouse and not be triggered, or be able to be with your kids when they're dysregulated and not add fuel to the fire. I am hosting, as I mentioned at the top of the show, an ADHD in relationships workshop. I'm really excited about it called Calm is Contagious. Really giving you the skills so you can work on some things to regulate your whole household. All the people around you, your coworkers will be affected by it, your partner will be affected by it, your kids, your friends, your parents. It is inevitable. Will it change them? Not always, but it will change you and your experience around them. And I do think it softens.
Slow Down at Home: The One Takeaway
Jenna Free [00:23:50]: It softens the environment. And it is really a cool place to start if you are wanting change in your home. So that will be a live workshop on July 15, and you can get more information about that in the show notes. So if you take one thing away from today, if I had to boil all that down, would be to slow down at home. Try to observe where does the most irritability, frustration, defensiveness come from or where does it come out? I can almost guarantee it's most prominent when you are in a rush, when you are mentally rushing, meaning I am not present in this room with you or I am mentally thinking about something else. I know that's true for me, and I would call that mental rushing. Right. I'm not here just with the thing in front of me.Jenna Free [00:24:42]: I've Already mentally moved on. I am the snappiest with my kids, especially when I'm thinking about something that's not in the room. So I'm usually thinking about a work thing that I need to start or something I feel bad about that I didn't do. It's very rare that when I'm present with them that I'm reacting in that same way. So see if you can physically slow down and mentally slow down, be present with the thing you're doing, Especially before you respond, maybe you notice, Ah, that's right. I am thinking about work. And that's why I'm snapping in my case. Okay, let me come back into the room.
Being Regulated Versus Acting Regulated
Jenna Free [00:25:18]: What am I doing? Even just stating what you're doing. Oh, I'm making dinner. Okay. Yes, Johnny, what is it? See if you can just adjust some of how you're feeling. Because again, this is not about faking it. Because I did have a client once say, it's so hard to act regulated around my kids all the time. It's exhausting. I was like, well, let's get you regulated so you can stop acting.Jenna Free [00:25:39]: The point is not to act regulated. The point is to be regulated. But ironically, sometimes that starts with acting regulated, which would be, instead of rushing, I'm slowing down. Instead of trying to mentally get this over with, I'm going to be present with it. And I just can't say it enough. I know I'm kind of rambling at this point, but being able to challenge those tendencies of soothing your dysregulation by rushing, by being defensive and the things we've talked about, you are really going to retrain your nervous system. When we don't act defensively, our system goes, oh, that was safe. I could do that again like that next time.
Jenna Free [00:26:18]: And it would also turn out okay. Or if you aren't trying to cook dinner as fast as physically possible, okay, I'm gonna try to slow down, just be present, you know, chopping this one carrot. Okay. You're telling your body, hey, it's also safe to just be here doing this one thing. There's no rush. And those moments over time will allow you to live there more regularly. So you're naturally just present with the task at hand. You're naturally not rushing as much.