Rethinking ADHD Prioritization and Why You’re Not Bad at It
If you've been managing ADHD prioritization from the outside for years with lists, apps, calendar systems, and every productivity method that promised to fix it, and the pile of undone things is still there Monday morning, this episode is going to give you something different to work with.
Jenna walks through why ADHD prioritization is so hard, and she starts by throwing out the definition most of us are working from. Prioritization only happens when you take action. You can label something a top priority all day, but until you go do it, whatever you did instead is what you prioritized. That single reframe changes what "being bad at prioritizing" even means.
Under all of it, ADHD prioritization struggles are a dysregulation symptom. When you're in fight or flight, the brain can't sort what matters from what doesn't. Everything feels equally urgent, which is why decision paralysis kicks in and ten things on the list turn into zero things done. Jenna uses the analogy of a car with the engine roaring and the wheels spinning, going nowhere. The harder you push, the more stuck you get. Regulation is what takes your foot off the gas so the tires can actually move.
What the episode covers:
Why the standard definition of prioritization keeps ADHDers stuck, and what to replace it with
How ADHD paralysis and ADHD overwhelm show up as downstream effects of nervous system dysregulation
The ADHD all-or-nothing thinking trap where 25 percent completed feels equivalent to zero
Why every priority comes with a sacrifice, and how fighting that reality is what actually keeps you stuck
The line and the ride analogy that names what most ADHDers are doing when they can't decide
Why "I'm bad at prioritization" and "it's just my executive dysfunction" are labels that shut down the real work underneath them
The mantra Jenna comes back to: success comes from making decisions, not from the decisions you make
The part to sit with is Jenna's point about the fight against reality. Most ADHD prioritization paralysis is an unwillingness to accept that if you go on the ride, you have to stand in the line. If you spend an hour at the thrift store, the email doesn't get written. If you play tennis Wednesday morning, Wednesday morning is not for work. The choice itself is neutral. The dysregulation shows up in the tug-of-war with the trade-off.
ADHD prioritization gets easier when nervous system regulation is the foundation, because the survival mode response to "everything is equally urgent" quiets down. You can see the ten things for what they are and pick one.
"At some point, just picking something and executing it is going to be so much more successful than finding the quote-unquote right answer. Because there is no right answer."
Want the foundation Jenna keeps pointing back to in this episode? Her free ADHD Regulation Guide walks you through the first steps of nervous system regulation, thought regulation, and behavior regulation, in the order she teaches them.
If you're a therapist, coach, or clinician who works with ADHD clients and you want to bring this regulation-first approach into your practice, get on the waitlist for the ADHD Regulation Method certification.
For the full picture of how regulation reshapes ADHD from the inside, Jenna's book The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation is where the whole framework lives. Bookstores, libraries, wherever you get your books.
Connect with Jenna
Want more thriving with ADHD? Come hang out with me on Instagram
Get out of paralysis, be more productive, and enjoy your life again! Join an upcoming group
More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never going to fix that, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Coping Tools & Shifting Perspectives
Jenna Free [00:00:25 - 00:01:08]: [00:00:25] All. [00:00:26] All I can do, you know, is use the coping tools, the band aids and the strategies and the timers in the calendars to try to cope. [00:00:36] We're going to be diving into a conversation about prioritization in a way that's probably going to give you a lot of ahas. [00:00:44] You're going to say, never thought of it that way before. [00:00:46] We're going to think of prioritization in a new way. [00:00:48] We're going to observe what, why it's hard for us and where we're kind of hitting a wall. [00:00:53] And then we're going to look at how we can think about it differently to get in a better groove with prioritization. [00:00:59] And of course, you know me, how it all connects to that root of dysregulation and being in survival mode is why this is so hard.
Starting with Regulation
Jenna Free [00:01:09 - 00:01:41]: [00:01:09] So just as a reminder, you can always grab my free guide in the link in the show notes. [00:01:14] On this guide, you are going to be taught a little bit more about my philosophy. [00:01:18] You are going to be looking at some first steps to take, which is nervous system regulation. [00:01:22] There's three types of regulation, but that's foundational. [00:01:25] That's where we start. [00:01:27] So you're going to look at how to identify dysregulation and how to start interrupting it from a body perspective. [00:01:33] And then we go into the mental perspective of beliefs and thought regulation and then behavior regulation. [00:01:38] It's all tied together, but you got to start somewhere.
A Different Perspective on ADHD
Jenna Free [00:01:41 - 00:02:31]: [00:01:41] So that's definitely where I recommend you begin. [00:01:44] So whether you've been following along, whether you're following me on social media or is the very first time you have heard of my work, we are really looking at ADHD from a different perspective. [00:01:55] That blows a lot of our assumptions out of the water, pushes a lot of boundaries with what you might believe or what you might think and why it might be inaccurate or just not helpful to think about things in this way. [00:02:06] And so today we're getting into prioritization and blowing that up a little bit and thinking in a new way. [00:02:12] So what is prioritization? [00:02:14] I looked up the definition because I think language is so important. [00:02:18] So the definition of prioritization is the action or process of deciding the relative importance or urgency of a thing. [00:02:27] Even that definition, I feel it's wrong. [00:02:29] I don't agree with that definition.
Prioritization Happens in Action, Not Thought
Jenna Free [00:02:31 - 00:02:56]: [00:02:31] Because what it's saying is the decision of what is important or urgent is prioritization. [00:02:39] It's not. [00:02:40] Prioritization does not occur in thought. [00:02:43] Prioritization does not occur in decision, decision making. [00:02:46] Prioritization only ever occurs in action. [00:02:49] You can say something's a priority all day long. [00:02:51] If you don't do it, it's not a priority. [00:02:53] Right? [00:02:54] Whatever else you're doing is what's the priority.
Moving From Planning to Doing
Jenna Free [00:02:56 - 00:03:39]: [00:02:56] So that's the first big flip I want you to think of in your mind when it comes to prioritization is it is not a thought exercise. [00:03:04] It is displayed through action. [00:03:06] So you can only know or show what's important by executing that thing instead of all the other things you could be doing. [00:03:13] Right? [00:03:13] That's the only way it becomes a priority. [00:03:16] That's tied up in a lot of stuff for us when we are often in paralysis, when we are often feeling like we can't go do the thing that we've decided is important. [00:03:26] But all of that's rooted in dysregulation. [00:03:29] And so when we're more regulated, you will find that you're able to execute and just do the thing a lot easier. [00:03:36] So first shift remembering.
The Illusion of Being Productive Through Planning
Jenna Free [00:03:39 - 00:03:57]: [00:03:39] I haven't prioritized anything until I've done it. [00:03:41] Because the brain, we can kind of trick our sweet brain into thinking it's being productive by thinking. [00:03:47] We plan feels productive. [00:03:48] We write lists feels productive. [00:03:50] We speculate for an hour about how to make do something efficiently. [00:03:54] It feels like we're doing something. [00:03:55] Nothing's been accomplished. [00:03:56] Right.
The Importance of Connecting With Reality
Jenna Free [00:03:57 - 00:04:29]: [00:03:57] Zero has happened in reality. [00:03:59] And that's where we want to land more, is in reality. [00:04:01] We want to connect with reality more. [00:04:03] As in my physical world and the world around me, am I doing the things I want to do or am I just thinking about the things I want to do? [00:04:10] Because that's a big barrier for us. [00:04:12] That's a brick wall that we got to get through. [00:04:14] And regulation can allow us to do that. [00:04:17] So when you are caught up in the planning and prioritization, you can remind yourself, oh, yes, this is only important, and I'm only showing this is important. [00:04:26] And I'm only making this a priority once I actually go do it.
From Planning Paralysis to Action
Jenna Free [00:04:29 - 00:05:29]: [00:04:29] So that sometimes can even get you to go from sitting there planning, planning, planning. [00:04:33] It's like, oh, yeah, well, let me just go do that one thing right, because that's the priority. [00:04:37] Okay? [00:04:39] The Second struggle we have with prioritization is when we are in fight or flight, when we are dysregulated, our brain has a hard time differentiating what could be more important with what's less important because it does not want to face the facts that everything can't be important. [00:05:02] Right? [00:05:03] So a lot of our issue is, is that we see everything kind of on the same plane. [00:05:07] It's like, but 10 things need to get done. [00:05:10] So now I'm having a hard time prioritizing because my brain is stuck thinking all 10 of these things need to be done instantly. [00:05:17] But the reality is we can only do one thing at a time. [00:05:21] So where we get stuck is thinking there's some objective right answer, some magical equation, some, like, code we need to crack.
There's No Right Answer—Just Do Something
Jenna Free [00:05:29 - 00:06:24]: [00:05:29] When it comes to prioritization, there is no right answer, which means there's no wrong answer. [00:05:36] At some point, just doing something is going to be more valuable than sitting there worrying about what's the priority, Right? [00:05:42] If you've done nothing for two hours, then nothing's a priority, even if you get started after three hours of thinking. [00:05:50] So you're saying the priority was thinking, right? [00:05:52] Because that's what you were doing instead of, well, the priority is I throw that little laundry in because we have no clean clothes at all. [00:05:58] Okay, well, that only is a priority when you go do it. [00:06:02] I'm not saying use white knuckling and force to get yourself to do it. [00:06:06] This is an introspective exercise and building awareness so we can be more regulated. [00:06:15] We can observe where my brain is kind of panicking, thinking all 10 of these things are important. [00:06:19] And so now I'm stuck, right? [00:06:22] Regulation is really this feeling of.
The Power of Focusing on One Thing
Jenna Free [00:06:24 - 00:07:13]: [00:06:24] Of. [00:06:26] And if you're in my coaching groups or if you've listened to my stuff, you probably have that little noise in your mind, which I kind of want to put it in there, because that is what we're going for, right? [00:06:37] One thing and then the next. [00:06:38] I'm not stagnant and stuck thinking, what's. [00:06:40] What's the priority? [00:06:41] I got to figure out the right order to do this, but I'm also not frantically rushing around trying to get it all done. [00:06:46] I accept the reality I can only do one thing at a time. [00:06:50] I'm only one person with one brain, two hands, and I'm just going to move forward. [00:06:55] One of my favorite little mantras is my success comes from making decisions, not the decisions I make. [00:07:02] So when we're making decisions about what's a priority, at some point, just picking something and Executing it is going to be so much more successful than finding the quote, unquote, right answer.
Breaking the Overwhelm Cycle
Jenna Free [00:07:13 - 00:07:53]: [00:07:13] Because, as I mentioned, there's no right answer. [00:07:15] So you're looking for an answer that's not there and that'll keep us stuck for a very long time. [00:07:21] And then we get so frustrated, like, oh, my God, why can't I get anything done? [00:07:25] I can't prioritize. [00:07:26] You can. [00:07:27] You're just probably hitting a wall of dysregulation and overwhelm and maybe paralysis, right? [00:07:32] All that's kind of like a pipeline, and we want to get off of that roller coaster. [00:07:38] It's this intensity which turns into stagnancy. [00:07:44] It's like if you're in a car trying to drive and the wheels are going so fast, they're spinning out. [00:07:50] Like, it feels like so intense, but it's.
Spinning Your Wheels Means Stopping
Jenna Free [00:07:53 - 00:08:08]: [00:07:53] The result is being stuck. [00:07:55] I feel like I'm working so hard, but I'm stuck. [00:07:58] So it feels, like, hopeless, right? [00:08:00] I'm trying so hard to prioritize. [00:08:02] I'm trying so hard to execute. [00:08:04] I'm trying so hard to get more done. [00:08:06] It's this push, push, push. [00:08:07] Oh, my gosh. [00:08:08] I'm already frantic.
Take Your Foot off the Gas
Jenna Free [00:08:08 - 00:08:34]: [00:08:08] I already feel behind. [00:08:09] I'm already thinking, there's not enough time in the day. [00:08:12] Oh, my God, I can't work any harder. [00:08:15] Right? [00:08:15] And then you look at the reality and you go, nothing has gotten done. [00:08:18] But the problem isn't working harder. [00:08:20] It's not that you're not working hard enough. [00:08:21] You are the car on the road spinning its wheels. [00:08:25] The engine is working too hard, which is creating you being stuck when we're more regulated, which actually means taking the foot off the gas.
Slowing Down to Move Forward
Jenna Free [00:08:35 - 00:08:59]: [00:08:35] Okay, you know, everything's not urgent. [00:08:38] One thing at a time. [00:08:39] Let's slow down, right? [00:08:42] Putting our foot off the gas. [00:08:43] But now the tires are slowing down yet moving forward. [00:08:47] Right? [00:08:47] That's. [00:08:48] That makes sense with that analogy. [00:08:49] Well, that's how our system is as well. [00:08:51] If you are dysregulated, you are not going to be able to prioritize no matter how hard you try, because it's pushing you into stuck.
Fear of Picking the Wrong Thing
Jenna Free [00:09:00 - 00:09:30]: [00:09:00] And I know you're going to say, yeah, but what if I picked the wrong thing? [00:09:02] Look, you're picking nothing right now. [00:09:05] So whatever you pick is going to be great compared to being stuck. [00:09:09] Right? [00:09:09] And that's the kind of thing we want to notice is where that black and white and all or nothing thinking also comes into play with this of, like, if I can't get it all done perfectly, I may as well do nothing at all. [00:09:21] Right. [00:09:21] If I can't pick the exact right thing, I'm not going to pick anything at all. [00:09:24] Well, that doesn't make any sense. [00:09:26] Right. [00:09:26] If I can't do it at 100, I may as well do it at 0%.
25% Beats 0% Every Time
Jenna Free [00:09:30 - 00:10:04]: [00:09:30] 75% would be really, really great. [00:09:32] 25 would be great. [00:09:35] 25% is inherently more than zero. [00:09:37] Right. [00:09:38] But our brain goes to this black and white rigid place when we are in dysregulation, when we are in survival mode, just everything locks up and it's so intense, we're swinging from one extreme to the next. [00:09:50] Oh. [00:09:51] So I want you to put this mindset around prioritization when you are coming up to it next instead of slapping a label on, because that's what a lot of ADHD methodology out there I think is very like, here's your symptoms. [00:10:03] Slap a label on it.
Labels Don’t Help Us Understand the Real Problem
Jenna Free [00:10:05 - 00:10:31]: [00:10:05] Don't look at it any further. [00:10:06] Carry on and try to cope. [00:10:08] Right. [00:10:08] Because there's a very strong labeling. [00:10:10] ADHD are bad at prioritization. [00:10:13] Are we or are we in fight or flight? [00:10:16] Are we dysregulated? [00:10:17] Are we stuck in all or nothing thinking there's more to it than just you're dumb? [00:10:22] Like, that's kind of a logical problem. [00:10:26] And I know how smart you are and I know how smart we all are. [00:10:29] You know, I work with ADHD years every day.
Simple Choices Can Still Feel Difficult
Jenna Free [00:10:31 - 00:11:03]: [00:10:31] Brilliant people. [00:10:33] If I said, should you go to the car wash today or should you work on that work that's due tomorrow, I think you're gonna know what's like, it would make more sense. [00:10:44] I would probably get more bang for my buck. [00:10:46] I would probably get better outcome. [00:10:47] If I do the work today and I could wash the car tomorrow, there's no real reason I need to wash the car today. [00:10:53] That's clear. [00:10:54] That's obvious. [00:10:56] But when you're in your life and it feels like there's 10 of those things flying around and you're also dysregulated about their work you're doing.
Prioritization Is a Tangle of Threads
Jenna Free [00:11:03 - 00:11:31]: [00:11:03] So then you pick the easier task by going into power Russian. [00:11:06] It's all so intertwined. [00:11:08] All of this work is like a big ball of yarn mixed up and we got to make sense of it. [00:11:13] So that is what this regulation works all about. [00:11:15] That's why ADHD groups are all about. [00:11:16] That's what this podcast is all about is we're picking at the threads because it's very complicated, but it's also very predictable. [00:11:24] You know, pull one thread and the rest unravels. [00:11:26] So prioritization does not occur or struggle with prioritization does not occur in a vacuum.
It’s All Connected to Regulation and Thinking Patterns
Jenna Free [00:11:33 - 00:11:52]: [00:11:33] Right? [00:11:33] It is relevant to your regulation. [00:11:35] It is relevant to your all or nothing thinking. [00:11:37] It is relevant to your fear response and thinking it has to be perfect. [00:11:42] And it's. [00:11:43] It's really quite amazing when you break it down like that. [00:11:46] Cause it's like, oh, now there's something to work on. [00:11:48] It's not just be better at prioritization. [00:11:51] Like, that's never worked.
Accepting the Sacrifice Behind Every Priority
Jenna Free [00:11:52 - 00:12:28]: [00:11:52] It's never going to work. [00:11:53] Time to start doing the internal work so we can get better at it. [00:11:57] So, that being said, a big thing I'm seeing in the ADHD experience right now, the theme is coming up a lot. [00:12:05] It's very cool in groups and things like that is the lack of ability to accept that everything we prioritize must come with a sacrifice. [00:12:15] The inability to connect with the reality that every choice I make comes with an effect. [00:12:23] I want the choice but not the effect. [00:12:24] Or I want the, you know, priority but not. [00:12:27] Not the sacrifice that comes with it.
Examples: Laundry, Fun & Facing the Facts
Jenna Free [00:12:29 - 00:12:41]: [00:12:29] So here are some examples. [00:12:30] So say you hate doing laundry. [00:12:33] So you're like, I'm not doing it. [00:12:35] I could go a month. [00:12:36] I could go a month without doing laundry. [00:12:37] I'm not going to do laundry. [00:12:38] And then it's been a month. [00:12:39] You have no clean clothes.Jenna Free [00:12:41 - 00:13:00]: [00:12:41] If I don't do laundry for like a week, I have no clean clothes. [00:12:44] But if someone who owns a lot of clothes is doing that and they go, oh my God, there's so much laundry to do. [00:12:49] I hate this. [00:12:50] I hate that there's so much laundry. [00:12:51] It's like, well, you made the priority of not doing laundry because you didn't want to do that. [00:12:56] And that's just, you know, perfectly fine. [00:12:58] You're an adult. [00:12:58] You get to choose whatever you want.
Jenna Free [00:13:00 - 00:13:27]: [00:13:00] But you can't also fight with the reality that you haven't done laundry in a month. [00:13:03] So now there's lots of laundry to do, right? [00:13:05] You can, I guess. [00:13:06] But that's a fight you're never going to win, right? [00:13:09] If I don't do laundry, the laundry pile is large. [00:13:12] If I do laundry more regularly, I have to do it more regularly and I don't like it. [00:13:15] But now I don't have such a large pile, right? [00:13:17] You can't have both. [00:13:19] You can't have, don't do laundry and also have clean clothes. [00:13:22] Like, that's not how reality works. [00:13:23] But we have a very hard time observing that that's the fight we're having.
Acknowledging Reality & Accepting Effects
Jenna Free [00:13:27 - 00:14:03]: [00:13:27] Of course it's not logical it's our system not wanting to, you know, accept the consequences. [00:13:33] I don't like that word because it's not always negative. [00:13:35] It just is what it is. [00:13:35] The effect of prioritization. [00:13:37] So if I prioritize having some fun and going to the thrift store this afternoon, the effect will be, I did not get that email written. [00:13:49] That's the facts. [00:13:50] Like, if I'm fighting with that, that's nonsense, right? [00:13:54] Of course, if I go to the thrift store, the effect of that is my work isn't done. [00:14:00] That is not a problem until you start fighting with it.
Package Deals & Standing in Line for the Ride
Jenna Free [00:14:03 - 00:14:18]: [00:14:03] Right? [00:14:03] Oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't get work. [00:14:04] My work done. [00:14:05] Of course you didn't. [00:14:06] You went to the thrift store. [00:14:07] I'm talking about me here. [00:14:09] This is my little pastime. [00:14:11] Or I go, you know, I really am getting into tennis. [00:14:14] So it's like, oh, I chose to go play tennis, meet my friend and hit the ball around.Jenna Free [00:14:18 - 00:14:56]: [00:14:18] Is that what you say for tennis? [00:14:20] Hit the ball around for an hour? [00:14:22] Okay, well, that was an hour that I didn't get my podcast recorded. [00:14:27] I can't be mad that my podcast isn't recorded when I chose not to record it. [00:14:31] Like, it's very simple, and you're probably like, duh, Jenna, this is a really stupid conversation, but I really want you to observe where you fight with this. [00:14:39] Right? [00:14:39] Like, a really good analogy of this came up in one of my groups this week of. [00:14:43] So it's kind of like you don't really want to stand in the line, but you want to go on the rides. [00:14:47] And you can't remove the two. [00:14:49] Like, if you want to go on the ride, you have to stand in the line. [00:14:51] You must take that as a package deal if you want to, you know, be sane and regulated.
Prioritization Is a Neutral Choice
Jenna Free [00:14:56 - 00:15:37]: [00:14:56] Because you can't go, oh, my God, I don't want to stand in the line, but I really want to go in the ride. [00:14:59] But I don't. [00:15:00] Okay, you're going to be fighting with yourself in a tug of war for hours, and that is prioritization. [00:15:05] Do you want to prioritize not having to stand in the line? [00:15:08] Then you get the effect of not being able to go on the ride. [00:15:10] If you want to prioritize being on the ride, you get the effect of having to stand in line. [00:15:14] It's so neutral, right? [00:15:15] It just is what it is. [00:15:17] But our dysregulation puts so much thoughts and judgment and shoulds and frustration onto it, and that's dysregulating. [00:15:26] Another thing we can see this with is if you prioritize your work all the time, your housework all the time, your responsibilities all the time, and then you're frustrated that life is no fun.
The Grief of Not Having It All
Jenna Free [00:15:37 - 00:16:12]: [00:15:37] It's like, well, we must prioritize fun sometimes then. [00:15:40] But then I'm not going to get all my chores done. [00:15:42] Okay, but we have to choose. [00:15:46] We cannot have it all. [00:15:47] And that's, you know, we might have some grief about that. [00:15:50] It's okay to feel like I want to have fun and have all my stuff done, but eventually we got to get past that because that is a part of dysregulation is like being unable to connect with the reality, decide what's best for you and move forward. [00:16:08] Sometimes what's best for me is fun. [00:16:11] I don't care how busy I am.
Example: Claiming Fun as a Priority
Jenna Free [00:16:12 - 00:16:32]: [00:16:12] Wednesday mornings I have a tennis lesson. [00:16:15] I won't miss it. [00:16:16] That's a priority for me. [00:16:17] I think it's so fun. [00:16:18] I really look forward to it. [00:16:20] I've never actually liked a sport before, so I'm like, this is so cool. [00:16:25] That will have the effect of, you know, Wednesday morning. [00:16:28] Not much gets done, obviously, because I'm on the tennis court.
Accepting the Consequences of Our Choices
Jenna Free [00:16:32 - 00:17:16]: [00:16:32] Well, if I want to be at peace, if I want to be regulated, be totally on board with that reality and then do the work another time. [00:16:40] Maybe I work in the evening that day instead. [00:16:42] If something needs to get done or accept the fact that it's not getting done, I really want you to look where you're fighting with this. [00:16:49] I would love to hear in the comments on Spotify. [00:16:52] I know there's comments you can leave or a DM on my Instagram or TikTok at ADHD with Jennifer. [00:16:58] What do you fight with of this whole idea of choice or prioritization? [00:17:02] Because if you prioritize your chores, you are not going to be able to go have fun. [00:17:07] If you prioritize fun, your chores aren't going to get done. [00:17:09] Are you fighting with that? [00:17:11] It's a really interesting thing to look at because we often don't question our thinking.
Casual Example: Prioritizing Among Chores
Jenna Free [00:17:17 - 00:17:50]: [00:17:17] We often just are frustrated, resentful, and leave it at that and say I'm bad at prioritizing. [00:17:24] No, you just might not be accepting the full package deal. [00:17:28] You know that. [00:17:29] If I prioritize, say you have three chores to do. [00:17:33] Okay, I want to put the laundry in, I want to vacuum the floor, and I want to make my son's lunch. [00:17:41] Okay? [00:17:41] If I make the lunch, there's going to be crumbs, and I have time for one of those. [00:17:45] If I Make the lunch. [00:17:46] There's going to be crumbs on the floor and my clothes aren't going to be clean.Jenna Free [00:17:50 - 00:18:23]: [00:17:50] If I make the clothes, my son's not going to have a lunch and you know, there's crumbs on the floor. [00:17:54] If I vacuum the floor, my son's not going to have lunch and we're not going to have clean clothes. [00:17:57] You must accept one of those if you want to live in reality and be regulated. [00:18:02] So for that one, for example, if the lunch was for school tomorrow and I only have time for one, I would probably pick the lunch. [00:18:08] I'm fine with crumbs on the floor. [00:18:10] You know, I'm sure there's something we can wear. [00:18:12] But my son not having a lunch would be the worst of the effects that I don't want to experience. [00:18:20] So in reality, I want to make the lunch.
Radical Thinking: You Don’t Have to Do Anything
Jenna Free [00:18:23 - 00:18:52]: [00:18:23] Right. [00:18:23] It's what I'm choosing. [00:18:26] A lot of this prioritization stuff, we also get frustrated because we think, well, I have to do this. [00:18:31] Well, I have. [00:18:32] You don't have to do anything. [00:18:33] You don't have to do anything. [00:18:35] Again, this is like an episode about radical thinking and thinking in a new way. [00:18:39] So if I don't have to do anything, and there is no inherent, true, objective right order to do things and everything comes with a cause and effect, what do I want to do? [00:18:52] Freedom.
Stuck? It’s About Regulation
Jenna Free [00:18:53 - 00:19:59]: [00:18:53] Right? [00:18:54] I get it. [00:18:54] When you're dysregulated, you may not have access to answer all those questions clearly and effectively, but if you can't just pick something what you want, we're dysregulated, Right. [00:19:05] If we're frozen about making a decision, especially a small one, Right. [00:19:10] I get it. [00:19:11] If you're like, oh, my gosh, I have to decide to move this country to that country, that's going to take a long time, Right? [00:19:16] That's going to have a lot of consideration. [00:19:18] The logic there is like, yeah, I'm not going to just flip a coin and jump, but most decisions we make on a daily basis is like, should I do the laundry or vacuum the floor, Should I go for a walk or write those emails? [00:19:31] Right. [00:19:31] Either way, you're probably going to be fine. [00:19:33] If you go up to making a decision or prioritizing, because making a decision is really just prioritizing and you're stuck, I really want you to sit with it and go, why? [00:19:46] Why am I having a hard time choosing between cleaning the house or going for a walk? [00:19:52] Is it because you are frozen and not accepting, you know, that both will have an effect? [00:19:57] Positive or negative.
The Sacrifice of Prioritization
Jenna Free [00:19:59 - 00:20:42]: [00:19:59] And when I prioritize one thing, I must sacrifice another. [00:20:02] I'm unwilling to accept that if I go for a walk, my house isn't going to be clean. [00:20:06] And I'm unwilling to accept that if I clean my house, I can't go for a walk. [00:20:09] Now I'm frozen, right? [00:20:10] Because the reality is to move forward, you got to choose one or the other. [00:20:14] Maybe you could clean the house and then go for a walk, but still, you can only pick one thing at a time and go from there. [00:20:20] So this is what I mean by, you know, slapping a label on an ADHD trait and not looking into it any further. [00:20:26] Because I'm sure this is giving you a little bit of like, huh, never thought of it like that before because I never used to think this way. [00:20:34] When you start looking under the hood of these symptoms and going, well, what's that about? [00:20:38] Well, why is that? [00:20:40] Well, why is this happening? [00:20:41] Well, let me reflect on my thinking.
Reflect, Question, Shift
Jenna Free [00:20:42 - 00:21:20]: [00:20:42] Well, how, you know, am I dysregulated? [00:20:45] What beliefs am I having here? [00:20:47] Where am I hitting a wall, right? [00:20:48] It's not just the way it is. [00:20:50] There's something going on. [00:20:52] So this is going to be so cool for prioritization for you. [00:20:55] I'm so interested to hear if this unlocks anything that makes you able to kind of get more into a nice, sustainable rhythm. [00:21:04] So that's really the takeaway here. [00:21:05] I want you to observe. [00:21:06] If prioritization is hard for you, reflect. [00:21:08] Why am I not accepting both sides of the coin? [00:21:12] Am I thinking this decision, you know, is some objective truth and I have to crack the code? [00:21:17] Or am I understanding and aware that's like, there's no wrong answer.
Just Pick and Move Forward
Jenna Free [00:21:21 - 00:22:07]: [00:21:21] Just pick and move forward. [00:21:23] Or what other part of dysregulation is all or nothing thinking again, Big, messy ball of yarn. [00:21:29] But it's so cool to start picking it apart. [00:21:31] Because you might have one tiny shift from this conversation where you're now not stuck in prioritizing which chore to do first. [00:21:41] Maybe you really connect with the thing, like, oh, it doesn't matter, just do one, and then I can figure out what to do next. [00:21:48] That would be huge. [00:21:49] That would be such a shift for you, and I would be so excited to hear that. [00:21:52] So as you move forward, observe where that thinking and planning is also getting in the way, where you're getting stuck in the idea that prioritization is a list, right? [00:22:03] 1, 2, 3, 4, until you walk and do it is not a priority.
Prioritization Is Not a List
Jenna Free [00:22:07 - 00:22:48]: [00:22:07] Because some people will say, well, this is a top priority. [00:22:09] It's like, well, are you doing it? [00:22:10] No. [00:22:10] Well, then it's not a priority. [00:22:13] It's not. [00:22:14] This is hard, right? [00:22:15] This is. [00:22:16] And sometimes this podcast is hard because I have a lot of context in my brain about why these things are connected and why one thing affects another. [00:22:28] And so I try to speak and explain that, but like I said, it is such a ball of yarn that I can't connect every dot, every time I mention something. [00:22:39] So I do want you to kind of lean into these ideas, trusting it's a piece of a puzzle, because I don't believe me telling you, like, oh, just pick one and move is the answer.
Regulation Is Key—It’s Not About Just Trying Harder
Jenna Free [00:22:48 - 00:23:12]: [00:22:48] I don't believe that's the answer because I know when you're in paralysis, you don't have a choice. [00:22:53] When you are in fight or flight to such a state where you're afraid to make a decision and make a wrong decision, there's not a choice. [00:22:59] A lot of this is not conscious choice. [00:23:01] A lot of this is default. [00:23:03] A lot of this is biological response to being in a fear state. [00:23:07] A lot of this is out of your control. [00:23:09] And I know that. [00:23:11] I know that because I've lived that.
Awareness Creates Space for Change
Jenna Free [00:23:13 - 00:24:05]: [00:23:13] And when I talk about this work, when I talk about these strategies, when I talk about regulation, I hope you don't ever take it as like, just get over yourself and perform better. [00:23:23] That's never my intention. [00:23:25] Thinking about things in a new way can sometimes unlock a new capacity for you. [00:23:30] Because if the dysregulation of fighting the reality, like the example of like, I, I don't want to stand in the line, but I want to go into on the ride and now you're like, having this internal fight, but you're not even aware of it. [00:23:43] Being aware of it sometimes can CR enough open where you can make a new choice and kind of take a step towards regulation in that way. [00:23:49] My real intention of this podcast and of this work is to tell you regulation is the answer. [00:23:58] That is really what I'm saying. [00:24:00] And in regulation work, we do question our thinking.
Digging Deeper for True Change
Jenna Free [00:24:05 - 00:25:25]: [00:24:05] We do crack open, you know, our beliefs and go, wait, is that true? [00:24:09] Regulation is really about getting to the core of the issue and getting deep enough to do something about it. [00:24:16] If you stay at the surface level of symptoms, like, I'm bad at prioritization, period, there's nothing you can do because anything you do is going to be white knuckling it because you haven't gotten to the root of the issue or the place where you're actually stuck. [00:24:31] It's just the symptom right? [00:24:33] It's just like treating the symptom instead of treating the disease. [00:24:37] So what we want to do is dig deeper for everything. [00:24:40] ADHD symptom wise, you can use kind of this philosophy to try to create more change. [00:24:47] So one is identifying that I see I have a label for this thing I'm experiencing and that I kind of haven't looked past that prioritization, you know, being bad at it, executive dysfunction, even, you know, paralysis, waiting mode, procrastination, any of these things where it's like, I know what it is and I have a label for it. [00:25:09] Has that prevented any exploration any deeper? [00:25:12] Probably has. [00:25:13] So that being said, why? [00:25:16] Right? [00:25:16] What's underneath that? [00:25:17] And if you're listening to the podcast, if you're in groups especially, you're going to have all the access to all the tools of like, where you know what to look for.
Looking Under the Hood: Thoughts, Dysregulation & Default Reactions
Jenna Free [00:25:25 - 00:26:17]: [00:25:25] But one of them is going to be your thoughts and beliefs. [00:25:28] One of them is going to be obviously nervous system dysregulation. [00:25:31] And the fact that your system is in a fear state and on the defense and trying to keep you safe. [00:25:37] Because when you're trying to keep yourself safe, it's rarely logical, right? [00:25:40] It's very reactive, it's very intense. [00:25:44] Usually we overcompensate. [00:25:45] Think knee jerk reaction, right? [00:25:47] When you have a knee jerk reaction because you're afraid, it's not a thoughtful, logical, regulated response, right? [00:25:54] It's not supposed to be. [00:25:56] But when you react that way to every single thing in life because your system is stuck in that chronic state, it's not very effective. [00:26:03] So just like this prioritization conversation, your response to needing to prioritize might not be logical, right? [00:26:10] Because it's not logical to say, I want to go on the ride, but I don't want to stand in line, so I'm not going to do anything.
When Our Reactions Aren’t Logical
Jenna Free [00:26:17 - 00:26:48]: [00:26:17] It's like, that's not logical, obviously, but it's a reaction that the brain is having. [00:26:21] Or this idea that, like, it's so rigid and it has to be just right. [00:26:25] So I'm going to sit here and panic because it has to be just right. [00:26:29] That's not logical. [00:26:29] Because if it's like, which jam to buy. [00:26:31] I know maybe that's not the type of decision tripping you up, but it might be like, which assignment at work should I work on? [00:26:39] Doesn't matter. [00:26:40] At some point, like, if you're working on nothing, what you work on at this point doesn't matter. [00:26:45] Let's just work on something we can't see the full picture.
Regulation Lets Us See What’s True
Jenna Free [00:26:49 - 00:27:18]: [00:26:49] We can't see what's true when we are dysregulated. [00:26:53] We can only see danger and then we only react in trying to keep ourselves safe. [00:27:00] So that's a big one, right? [00:27:02] That's a lot of talking, that's a lot of challenging our thinking. [00:27:06] But even if you took one little tidbit from this, I think that's really valuable. [00:27:10] So take some action today. [00:27:12] See if you can prioritize one thing by doing it. [00:27:15] Just see how that feels. [00:27:16] I think it'd be really interesting to see.