3 Mistakes in ADHD Therapy That Stall Progress
You're six months into working with an ADHD therapist, and something feels off. The sessions are supportive, you feel heard, but nothing in your daily life has shifted. Or you're a clinician noticing your ADHD clients aren't getting where they hoped to go, and you can't quite name what's missing in the work. In either seat, the pattern is the same.
This is what a stalled ADHD therapy relationship looks like from both sides. Clients often assume it's them, that they're the difficult one or the one who can't be helped. Therapists often assume they're doing the work right because their training said so. Jenna calls out three specific mistakes that keep ADHD therapy from producing real change, and naming them is the first step out.
Ask most ADHD therapists what the work is for, and you'll hear some version of "let's give you tools to cope." Underneath that is a belief system that closes the door on improvement before the work even starts. When the therapist doesn't believe symptoms can improve, they won't, because the whole relationship is built on managing what is instead of shifting what could be.
Here’s what’s covered:
The three mistakes in ADHD therapy that quietly stall progress for both client and clinician
Why the belief "ADHD is what it is" locks the whole therapy relationship into survival mode
The question clients can ask their ADHD therapist that reveals whether symptom improvement is even on the table
Why fidget toys, timers, and calendars stop being useful after year one, and what an ADHD therapist should be reaching for instead
The trap of over-validation and why sitting too long in "isn't this hard" prevents actual growth in sessions
How ADHD and fight-or-flight get lumped into the same bucket, and why separating them changes the whole clinical picture
What neurodiversity affirming therapy looks like, and why nervous system regulation for ADHD belongs squarely inside that definition
Why a dysregulated clinician can't lead a client through regulation, no matter how strong their training is
The difference between being heard and being led, and why both matter in a solid client-therapist relationship
The questions worth bringing into the next session, whether you're the one asking them or the one answering them
Once you know what to look for, the solution isn't complicated. If you're the client, ask your therapist about their beliefs and clarify whether your goal is improvement or acceptance, because both are valid goals and require different work. If you're the clinician, notice where you're sitting in validation and where you're skipping the movement piece, and check in with your own regulation, because you can't lead someone somewhere you haven't been.
"If your therapist believes symptoms cannot get better, the door to improvement is closed. No one's walking through it because we don't believe it's possible."
If you're a therapist, counselor, coach, or social worker and this episode named something you've been sensing in your own practice, the ADHD Regulation Method certification opens enrollment at the end of September 2026. Join the waitlist and grab the free clinical reference guide, How to See Dysregulation in Your ADHD Clients, so you can start spotting the pattern in your sessions this week.
Want the full philosophy before you commit to the certification? The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation walks through the whole framework and is available wherever books are sold or through your local library.
Related episode
Why ADHD Therapist Training Falls Short and What Clinicians Need
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never going to fix that, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Mistake 1: Clinician Beliefs about ADHD
Jenna Free [00:00:59 - 00:01:57]: So the first mistake that therapists or coaches can make is the beliefs we hold as clinicians about ADHD. So I have been to a couple ADHD trainings for therapists, and the one that I really noticed this in was an in-person training I went to where you could tell there was an overall belief that, hey, ADHD is what it is. There is no improvement to be had. There is only coping. So I saw this happening in real time and I saw that this was a widely held belief. So if, as the leader of a client with ADHD, Is even subconsciously or indirectly saying, hey, this is just the way it is. Your symptoms are what they are. Or this is just the way you are.Jenna Free [00:01:58 - 00:02:36]: There's nothing that can be done. Everyone in that situation is going to be stuck. The therapist is going to be stuck because where do we go from there? The client is going to be stuck because of course, if someone in authority or who's leading you in this realm is saying, hey, it's not going to get better than this. You can't improve on these things. This is just who you are. But here, let's try some tools, or let's talk about it. How are you feeling about this hardship? Of course, that's an important part of it, but that is going to directly affect your client's growth and your client's trajectory. Because it's like we're instantly shutting it down at the beginning.
Jenna Free [00:02:37 - 00:03:41]: So the clinician's belief systems about ADHD is so vital. So as a client, you may wanna ask your therapist or coach, what is your outlook on ADHD? What are we trying to do here together? Am I trying to improve symptoms or am I just coping? Am I just talking about how I feel about this struggle? What is the intention here? That's gonna help you as the client understand, you know, where you're probably going to be led. Or where there is even a possibility to go. If your therapist believes symptoms cannot get better, the door to improvement is closed. No one's walking through it because we don't believe it's possible. So I've seen a couple really interesting things come up when I've worked with clients who are talking about, you know, people they've worked with previously. And one person that messaged me was saying that their ADHD therapist said, If I had to say the one thing that I would recommend for ADHDers, it's fidget toys. And that person was like, okay, I don't think this is the therapist for me.
Jenna Free [00:03:41 - 00:04:24]: And those kinds of questions actually are going to kind of get you to the root of like, what is this person's belief system about what I'm dealing with here? Because if we believe the number one thing is fidget toys, clearly we're in a survival mode mentality. There's nothing you can do to improve. I'd see that fidget toy almost as like a floaty. Like, you ain't getting out of this water. You're not making anything better, but here's how you can, you know, release a bit of that energy, or, but here's a little tip or trick that you can use. So of course, if that's the most someone has to offer you, you're going to feel pretty hopeless. Like, ugh. Like, and you've probably tried all of these types of things, right? The fidget toys, the calendars, the timers, the tools.
Jenna Free [00:04:25 - 00:05:19]: For most ADHDers I've met, it's very rare that you're going to share a tool that, wow, I've never thought of that before. Like we've done it all. If as clinicians, what we have to give are external tools and tips and tricks, it's not going to do much. And then I actually worked with a group client who'd been doing this work with me for a while. They're in my membership and they were talking to their therapist for ADHD that also has ADHD. And it almost turned into the reverse role where the client was teaching the therapist about regulation, about all these advancements they've had, about all these improvements they have had, and needing to inform the therapist. And of course, that's always frustrating. You know, if you've been to a doctor and you have a certain illness, or I've seen this many, many times where you become the expert.
Jenna Free [00:05:19 - 00:05:49]: on what you're dealing with. And then when you go to someone to get support, you're having to educate them, like a doctor or a therapist or whoever it is you're dealing with. And that is so disheartening because you're going there for support. You're going there to be kind of have the role of like, I can just relax and this person's going to support me. And I know we all look for different things, especially out of therapy. I always look to be led a little bit, right? Like, I don't know what I need. I want you to tell me. Kind of where we should look or what some first steps could be.
Jenna Free [00:05:50 - 00:06:18]: So if you're feeling like you're leading and you're the client, that can be a little bit disheartening. Like, I'm tired of leading. I'm tired of saying what I need, or I'm tired of deciding what should happen next. I want someone to support me in that. So that is something you can also look at with your relationship with your therapist when it comes to ADHD. All right. The second is the therapist's focus on validation. So I looked it up just so we have a proper definition.
Mistake 2: Overemphasis on Validation
Jenna Free [00:06:19 - 00:06:50]: And validation is the act of recognizing and accepting another person's feelings, thoughts, or actions as making sense from their point of view. So particularly therapy for ADHDers, I have seen a lot of validation as the focus. I've seen it a lot as well with content, right? You're going to see that in short-form content. Like, isn't this symptom so hard? Hahaha, we're in this together. Yes, it's so difficult. It's debilitating. This is so horrible. We're all in this together kind of feel.Jenna Free [00:06:51 - 00:07:12]: Or here's common symptoms. So you feel seen, you feel like, oh, this isn't just me. That does provide relief. And there is a place for that. And so there's some different levels of validation that can show up in therapy that I wanted to go over, which ones are helpful and which ones are actually going to hurt. So first is listening. Paying full attention to the client. Of course.
Jenna Free [00:07:13 - 00:07:37]: Basic requirement. Reflecting, repeating back what the client said to show understanding. Yes, we all want to be on the same page. We want them to feel heard. As the client, you want to feel heard and understood. That's important, of course. Making sense so we can connect how past events cause current feelings. So how things are connected, how this feels like something you experienced before, a bit of that reflection can be so valuable.
Jenna Free [00:07:38 - 00:08:53]: But then we get into normalizing, showing that anyone in that situation would feel the same. Now, a touch of that, I think, can be helpful to get us out of shame, guilt, blaming ourselves, thinking we're some sort of special being that's experiencing this and no one else does. And I will say, even with dysregulation, I use some validation, but of saying, hey, that's really predictable and common for a nervous system in fight or flight. That's a very normal thing you're experiencing, but then it's the like movement from there that's important. So lots of therapy or coaching or support you're going to get as an ADHDer will be in the normalizing and in the validating realm, and it never leaves. And that is where we can get stuck because normalizing what you're currently experiencing is so important. But normalizing, especially for ADHDers, normalizing your symptoms and your experiences as inevitable, concrete, and permanent, that's where we get stuck. So even when we talk about being in fight or flight, even that can become normalized, but in a negative way.
Jenna Free [00:08:54 - 00:09:41]: So I do get a question a lot publicly of, well, isn't everyone in fight or flight? And honestly, even in my groups, I've heard this a few times. Like, well, isn't everyone in this state? And the answer is probably yes, or almost. Like a ton of people are in fight or flight in our society, but that doesn't mean we have to live our lives in survival mode just because everyone's doing it. We've almost normalized, hey, being in fight or flight's pretty typical, so I'm just going to stay here. That's what I mean by normalizing being a barrier to improvement. So normalizing something And not going, okay, this is normal for my current situation, but this is not permanent. This is something where I can grow and change and heal. That's where we get some movement happening.
Jenna Free [00:09:42 - 00:10:31]: So when we normalize paralysis, overwhelm, always being late, the seeming inability to get places on time, the disorganization, the frustration, the lack of enjoyment, this leads to not trying to do anything about it. Because if I don't believe or truly understand the core reasoning of why I feel this way, I can't move forward. So this is my biggest complaint about the ADHD field, is we are putting in one bucket the ADHD brain and the state of being in fight or flight. We're putting it in one soup, mixing it up, and calling it ADHD. So then we're normalizing that, going, yes, ADHDers all experience this. This is just how your brain is. Period. Nowhere to go from here.
Jenna Free [00:10:32 - 00:11:46]: No ways to improve. Because even when I talk about increased executive functioning with working on regulation, people will say, no, executive functioning is concrete. It cannot change. Well, perhaps you are born with a certain amount of executive functioning, but if that has been dampened because you're in fight or flight, of course that will go back up if you are out of fight or flight. If we are not understanding that change is possible, if we are over-validating where someone is currently in their ADHD and just connecting with, yeah, it's so hard, isn't it? Yeah, I really see that you're struggling. Yep, it's really difficult. Isn't that a shame? What is the purpose of the task? So if you are a clinician or if you're a client, both parties should be talking about kind of sooner rather than later, what is the purpose of our time together? What is the goal here? That's going to really help you feel more confident and understand where you're going, because some clinicians and even some clients are going to have different answers, right? Maybe a client has heard about regulation. We've heard about, oh, my symptoms aren't concrete.
Jenna Free [00:11:47 - 00:12:05]: They can get better. I can lessen this hardship. I want to do that. And then you're seeing a therapist or coach and they're going, we're going to really get you set up with routines. We're going to set you up with some tools. I want you to feel validated. I want you to feel heard. Those 2 things are different goals.
Jenna Free [00:12:06 - 00:13:03]: So that's where we can kind of spin our wheels and we're working together, but not getting where we want to go because we're both trying to go in different directions. So some validation is great, of course. Typically because it's going to reduce guilt, shame, self-judgment. But in regulation work, which is one thing I really love about this approach, is we see guilt, shame, negative self-talk, judgment as dysregulation, because that's what it is. Your brain is trying to almost build itself a bear to get you into that panicked state to get you out alive. So we have a lot of negative self-talk, we're negatively motivating ourselves, and that adds to the dysregulation and makes things worse. So we do want to strip that away. And some validation is going to be helpful in that, but when we sit here too long, it becomes a concrete belief of, this is just who I am and there's nothing I can do about it.
Jenna Free [00:13:04 - 00:13:50]: So moving through validation can happen pretty quickly. Like after we both understand that you get me, you You understand that I am currently struggling. You've heard me. Now let's do something about it. Like, we don't want to be dwelling there too long if the goal, again, everyone's goals I understand are going to be different, but if your goal as the clinician and the client, of course the client's the leader here, if their goal is improvement, we don't want to be steeping in the validation phase for too long. And I will say, Because I've had this question come up a little bit lately. Regulating and getting out of fight or flight is not about turning you into a neurotypical person. It is not trying to get you to comply to the world we live in.
Jenna Free [00:13:50 - 00:14:45]: And I just did an interview for a magazine and they asked me this, like, what do you say about, especially for autism and ADHD as well, like we want to embrace ourselves and be ourselves and not have to mask and not have to, you know, fit into the norms. And that shows me where our belief systems are. It's like getting out of fight or flight is not masking. It is not trying to be someone we're not. It is realizing I deserve a good life where my feet are firmly on the ground and I'm not in panic mode 24/7. Just because my brain is different than someone else's means I need to live in survival mode? Hell no. So I really see doing this regulation work as truly Thriving as a neurodivergent person, living my absolute best life. Yes, in a society where things are done a certain way, we do want to cope better because this is the reality.
Jenna Free [00:14:46 - 00:15:39]: Does that mean everything's correct and nothing should ever change? Probably not, but here we are. So if you're a clinician who's really wanting to be neurodiversity affirming, do not think regulation is anything but that. It would be the absolutely most affirming thing. Like, let's get you thriving in this life and enjoying this life. And us neurodivergent people really deserve that. We've been working bloody hard in fight or flight, and it's time for some relief. So the number 3 thing that therapists can get stuck in that prevents progress for the client is them being dysregulated themselves. If you are a clinician, it is going to be so much easier, and you'll be so much more effective at working on regulation with your clients if you are using the tools and learning this life philosophy yourself.
Mistake 3: The Clinician Not Practicing Regulation
Jenna Free [00:15:40 - 00:16:29]: Regardless of if you're neurodivergent or not, because I know not every therapist that works with ADHDers is, but like we said before, you still are also probably in fight or flight. Because most people are these days. So we want to always be kind of practicing what we teach. So firstly, you are going to feel more confident and engaged in working on this with your clients because you see how beneficial it is. You've been there yourself. You know, it doesn't happen in the snap of a finger, and you know, it takes some time to get over those barriers and work through what makes it hard. So you've been there, you've done that, you've used the tools, and you know how helpful it is. And you're going to be so much more understanding of what they're going to be going through.Jenna Free [00:16:29 - 00:17:42]: You're also going to feel much more congruent with teaching it. I know I used to work in disordered eating and my relationship with food was so healed that I felt so confident in teaching other people. And helping them with their relationship with food. And in the past, I've actually worked with a handful of different dietitians over my intuitive eating time, and they were struggling with their relationship with food. So that was really affecting their work because when you are someone teaching a client a skill, supporting them on a journey, and you're struggling with that same thing, We shouldn't feel shame about it, and you can still be a support even if you're struggling, but it makes your job harder. You're not feeling as confident, and it doesn't need to feel this way, but it can feel a little fraudulent. Again, I'm not saying you should feel that way, but it can feel that way where I'm telling this person to work on something that I'm not working on, or I'm telling this person to use these tools and do this hard work, and I'm not doing the work. I'm struggling in this area and, you know, not practicing what I teach.
Jenna Free [00:17:43 - 00:18:23]: So this is really vital if you want to do this work. You're going to just be so much more powerful at it when you feel more confident that you're doing it, even alongside, because this is a lifelong journey. But if you're practicing this kind of way of living, my gosh, it feels really good to teach other people to do the same. Because if you just learn what you should say to clients to help them get out of fight or flight, you'll miss a lot of nuance. Because a lot of our beliefs and thinking is rooted in survival mode societally. And we really accept it as a people. Yeah, but I just have too much going on. I have to rush because there's too much to get done.
Jenna Free [00:18:23 - 00:18:59]: Oh, I'm just bad at transition, so I have to do all my work in one sitting. I get so angry when someone interrupts my workflow or my plans change unexpectedly. So without being intimately aware of how dysregulation shows up as a therapist, you might agree with these comments, go, yeah, that's so true. The world is too hectic these days. We are too busy. Yeah, I get that you have to rush because look at all this stuff you have to do. You have so much responsibility, whatever it is. We are going to kind of fall for some of these dysregulating beliefs if we are not doing the work ourselves.
Jenna Free [00:19:00 - 00:19:49]: So if we can't observe that these thoughts are rooted in dysregulation, it makes the work confusing because if the client is agreeing they want to get regulated and that's what we're helping them do, we need to steer them in that direction consistently. We can't be wishy-washy, like, oh, I see that I need to rush in this instance, but you should really slow down when you can. But yeah, I see you have to rush here. No, it has to be Consistent. Rushing is never helpful. We want to challenge it in every instance. Not that they're going to, and not that it's going to be perfect, but we need to be that consistent and predictable guide in this work. And the best way to do that is to live this philosophy yourself, because then you just naturally think that way and it's so much easier.
Jenna Free [00:19:49 - 00:20:26]: So for example, in my regulation membership, I work with people who've done groups, So they've done this program, they've learned all the tools and are continuing to work on this. And they can bring anything up about any topic on these calls. These are just purely support calls, like what's going on for you guys? Let's dive in. And the other day, one of the group members said, it's so cool how this is actually a very straightforward philosophy. And I can see, Jenna, that you're just like plopping it onto whatever we bring up. It's like consistency. And it never wavers. It doesn't matter what someone brings up.
Jenna Free [00:20:26 - 00:21:11]: We can see where there's dysregulation and we can see kind of where we need to move forward in our regulation in this topic. It could be relationships. It could be organization. It could be, you know, beliefs we're holding, anxiety we're having, whatever it is. When you're living it, you have this like natural filter where you can support your client in whatever Whatever they bring up with regulation. So if you are a clinician or if you are a client, look out for these 3 things that might be preventing either of you from moving forward. So one, what is the therapist's beliefs about ADHD? If you are a therapist, I'd be very interested what those are. Look at those within yourself.
Summary and Client/Clinician Takeaways
Jenna Free [00:21:11 - 00:21:56]: If you are a client, ask your therapist what those beliefs are. See what kind of attitude they have about it. Are they growth-oriented? Are they saying, yes, we can improve things? Are we going to do internal work to improve things? Or are we just going to be heard and seen and understood, but there's not going to be really any growth here? And honestly, I'm not even saying one is right or wrong, but what are you wanting out of it? Let's get clear about that so you get what you want out of it. Number 2, overfocus on validation, especially if you are a clinician. You kind of got to think of this as a door to walk through, but then keep walking. Let's move along. If all we're doing is swirling around in validation, no growth is going to occur. Again, assuming the client is looking for growth and change.Jenna Free [00:21:57 - 00:23:04]: And of course, if we are around these parts, we're looking for regulation. Number 3, this is mostly on the clinician's end because as a client, sometimes it can be hard to tell in session, like, is my therapist living what they're teaching? But for the clinician, are you dysregulated? Are you practicing this work? Because if you are not understanding it in your own life, how the strategies work, how challenging some of these strategies can be, and you need to grapple with them and work through them, it's going to be very hard to really lead your clients to do the same. So I hope this was insightful as a therapist and as a client in what you want in that relationship. And let's get you both on the same page. If you are a clinician realizing, I want something more for my clients, I don't want to just have validation and survival as my options, I am launching the ADHD Regulation Method Certification Program. This will be starting in the end of September. So if you're interested in that, there is a link for the waitlist in the show notes, and I will see you next week.