Stop the Confusion Between ADHD Emotions and Reactivity
You're crying at a TikTok video one night and slamming your fist into the mattress the next morning because your kid woke up sick and the whole day just fell apart. Both get filed under the same label: "I'm just so emotional." Or you're a clinician listening to a client describe both moments as ADHD emotions without ever separating what's really happening in their body. In either instance, the two get treated like one thing when they're running on completely different systems.
This episode draws the line between them. Jenna splits what most people call "being emotional" into two categories that operate in completely different ways: connection and survival. One is grounded, slow, and social. The other is automatic, fast, and built purely to protect you from a threat that may not even be real. Once you know which system is driving a given moment, the response changes completely.
Calling something ADHD emotional dysregulation, and the instinct is usually to manage the emotion better. That instinct aims at the wrong target. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, a flash of anger, the urge to punch a mattress when the schedule falls apart, none of that is emotion trying to be processed. It's a nervous system that hit its limit and reacted the way nervous systems do under threat, and no amount of talking through feelings fixes a system that was never dealing with feelings in the first place.
Here’s what’s covered:
The difference between emotions and feelings, and why ADHD brains bundle empathy and reactivity into one confusing pile
Why rejection sensitivity dysphoria almost always belongs in the reactivity column, not the emotion one
The two nervous system states behind connection and survival, and why only one of them needs to be talked through
Jenna's kitchen table story with her son, and what her body did that had nothing to do with sadness
How a fight-or-flight response bypasses logical thought entirely, and what that looks like in real time
The three-part approach to nervous system regulation for ADHD, and the one most people try to skip
Why slowing down is still the first move, even if this isn't the first episode you've heard say so
How to tell if what feels like coping with feelings is really reactivity wearing a disguise
Why nervous system dysregulation symptoms show up as speed and intensity, not as sadness or grief
The one signal that reveals whether you're in connection or survival right now
The solution, once you can tell the two apart, starts small. Notice the speed and how real emotion builds. Reactivity spikes from zero to a hundred in under a second, and that speed is the tell. Start there before trying to fix anything else, and the rest of the system starts to follow.
"Reactivity is not emotion. That's the first thing I want you to start seeing."
Therapists, counselors, coaches, and social workers who see this pattern in session after session are exactly who the ADHD Regulation Method certification was built for, and enrollment opens at the end of September 2026. Get on the waitlist now and pick up the free clinical reference guide, How to See Dysregulation in Your ADHD Clients, so the pattern is already visible the next time it shows up with a client.
For the version that goes deeper than one episode can, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation lays out the entire framework end to end. Find it wherever you buy books, or pull it from your library shelf if borrowing works better for you.
Connect with Jenna
Want more thriving with ADHD? Come hang out with me on Instagram
Get out of paralysis, be more productive, and enjoy your life again! Join an upcoming group
More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never going to fix that, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Feeling Safe & Emotional Experience for ADHDers
Jenna Free [00:01:16 - 00:01:54]: You are safe. Okay, so let's dive in. Emotions are a big thing in ADHD. We have labels and words and experiences like emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and we're very empathic. And I think we know that about ourselves, and we hear about that a lot with ADHD. There's a lot of big feelings happening, and feelings should be validated, right? We should really give them all room to exist, not try to get rid of them. We need to process emotions. We all know it's unhealthy to be avoiding emotions or squishing them down.
Two Types of Emotional Experiences: Connection vs Reactivity
Jenna Free [00:01:55 - 00:02:38]: Absolutely. And what we call emotions are actually 2 different things, and we need to start being more aware of the nuance. Deep feelings like empathy, grief, and love stem from the social engagement system, and this fosters connection and reflection. It's a part of our system. That is really healthy and connected. In contrast, fight or flight reactivity is an automatic survival response, and this is driven by the sympathetic nervous system to protect you from immediate threat. These are the 2 different things that we will often bundle together and call emotions. We will call ourselves empathetic.Jenna Free [00:02:39 - 00:03:06]: We will see it all as one thing, but they are 2 different things. One is connection and one is survival. So with connection, we have this depth. It's empathy, being moved to tears. It requires a calm state where you can process meaning and beauty and feelings. It's like more reflective. It's much deeper. But many feelings come up as urgent protection.
Fight or Flight vs Connected Emotion
Jenna Free [00:03:07 - 00:03:39]: So when we're in fight or flight, it bypasses logical thought. We're not really thinking big picture. And it focuses purely on speed, defense, danger, protection. This is what we want to be observing, which is empathy and which is being in fight or flight. Here's how you can spot some differences in these 2 types of feelings. I'll call one emotions and one reactivity. So the first is emotions, which is this connection system. This is when I am grounded and present and connected to others.Jenna Free [00:03:39 - 00:04:12]: These things happen. So your heart rate is probably going to stay steady. Your muscles are going to stay relaxed. Focus turns outward. We share, we connect, we appreciate, you know, we're understanding what other people must be feeling, that empathy, you know, which is why we like cry when we see a sad movie or even TikTok videos. Oh, I'm just connecting. I am really feeling what that person's feeling. And your breathing stays calm.
Jenna Free [00:04:13 - 00:04:35]: It's slow. We're not in panic mode. You're not hyperventilating, anything like that. So here's some examples from my life that are connected emotions. So one being, you know, consuming content. Honestly, I can like be full on crying on TikTok almost always when I'm on there. There's something that's like hitting me. I'm connecting with it.
Jenna Free [00:04:35 - 00:05:32]: It's either so beautiful and love-based or really sad and there's grief, but it's this connectedness with the person, you know, that's sharing or the video or even a movie that's fictional, right? I can really get invested in characters. I can really feel what they're feeling, right? This is a connectedness. And then a real-life example. This past weekend, I went to church for the first time in 20 years, probably. And honestly, to be really frank, not for the religion, but for the connection. I've been feeling very disconnected. You probably feel the same way in our current world, which I think is because so many people are in fight or flight, which has us isolate, avoid. And when me and my husband and my kids went, we walk in, I swear throughout the time, like the 10, 15 minutes we were there before we were sitting down, like 5 people came up to me.
Jenna Free [00:05:32 - 00:06:00]: Oh, hi, I'm so-and-so. Who are you? Is this your first time? Welcome. Blah, blah, blah. Just so authentic, so friendly, so connected. And when we were sitting down and everything was starting, I was like tearing up because of the connectedness, how nice it was. It's just, it's like a group of people together connecting. You could tell just everyone's here out of love. It was so beautiful and grounded and refreshing.
Jenna Free [00:06:01 - 00:06:32]: Again, regardless of what your religious views are, What I was connecting with was not the content. It was the atmosphere, the connectedness of the people. And I just thought that was such a great example of this connection system. Like just feeling so much positivity and just really feeling that other people cared. And it was just a very nice experience. Now let's turn to reactivity. This is the survival system. Your heart rate is going to be jumping.
Jenna Free [00:06:33 - 00:07:02]: Your muscles are going to get stiff, you know, your shoulders around your ears, really intense. We are very focused. So say someone says something, this little fleeting comment, and your brain is zoomed in on it, really upset about it, right? Really reactive. That's a sign. Your breathing might be short and fast. You might feel rushed, panicked. And dysregulated, quite frankly. Now, I have also felt this many times in my life.
Real-life Examples: Emotion vs Reactivity
Jenna Free [00:07:02 - 00:07:46]: Here's 2 examples of reactivity that can feel like you're just very emotional. So the first is, I've told this story a few times, you might've heard it already, but just a perfect example. At my parents' house, sitting around the kitchen table having dinner, my son was probably 1 at the time, sitting beside me in a high chair. My mom thought he was choking. She was across the table. She, so she kind of like stood up and went, And then I knew what she was thinking, so then I panicked and I stood up and I went, oh no, and probably had like an adrenaline rush. And because I was already dysregulated, at my wit's end, like functioning, like filled to the brim, if one more thing happens, I'm going to tip over. I sat back down, I started bawling my eyes out.Jenna Free [00:07:46 - 00:08:03]: That was reactivity. That was not emotion. I wasn't sad. I didn't actually have a feeling. I was simply reacting. And my body like flipped its lid. I was at my limit, couldn't handle anymore, and so it came out like that. Another example can be anger, quick to anger.
Jenna Free [00:08:04 - 00:08:41]: Many times, especially when my kids were younger and in daycare, if they would wake up sick, which would happen more often than it does nowadays that they're a bit older, I would be so angry because they couldn't go to daycare and my day was jumbled. Like I couldn't work in the way I wanted. I couldn't get what I wanted done. And because I was so overwhelmed, any change in schedule was very upsetting. So I would be so mad, just like balled fists, angry. I mean, I remember punching the mattress once. My husband's like, what the hell? And I'm not an angry person at all. That's not my nature.
Jenna Free [00:08:41 - 00:09:22]: And again, I didn't have an emotion. I simply was reactive. That is so different than like tearing up because you feel connected or crying at a really sad movie. Those are so different. Or grieving things in your own life that could be heavy and it can feel big and it can feel so uncomfortable, those true deep emotions, but it's still about connection. It's coming from a rooted, grounded, and regulated place versus I'm just in survival mode, flailing around and reacting. Those should not be put in the same box, yet we call it emotions. And so this is something we need to start peeling apart.
Why Distinguishing Emotion and Reactivity Matters
Jenna Free [00:09:23 - 00:10:16]: So realizing that not all feelings are the same can really help. It can reduce us getting too bogged down and needing to validate and grapple with all feelings. If you are in therapy for ADHD, you might be processing a lot of quote unquote emotions that is just You being in fight or flight. And so talking through those feelings will not do anything because you are simply in a survival state. It's not that you have emotions you need to process. And I will say, this is coming to me in this exact second. I wasn't planning on saying this, but I will say when I had quite rough postpartum depression, I remember going to talk to somebody and I already knew going in, talking about it's not going to help because this is not a logical Not that emotions are logical, but there's nothing I'm sad about. I just feel really bad.Jenna Free [00:10:17 - 00:10:54]: And I just instinctively knew this was not a conscious mind. I guess that's a better way to put it. It's not that it's logical or illogical because the emotion isn't the issue here. This does not need to be processed because it is not a true emotion. It is simply the state your nervous system is in. So it's much more effective and easier to go straight to that. Let's go straight to what state we're in instead of the superficial reactivity that's showing up on the surface. And maybe you do know some of this, right? Maybe you realize, yes, I know it's dysregulation.
The Language Problem: Emotional Dysregulation vs Reactivity
Jenna Free [00:10:54 - 00:11:36]: I always hear about emotional dysregulation, but I really don't like that term because here's the definition. Emotional dysregulation means having difficulty managing your emotions and the way you react to them. When this happens, your feelings or reactions might seem stronger or more intense than what others might expect in a given situation. That is not emotions. It might feel like it is, or you may have been identifying it as, oh, I'm so emotional. Are you, or are you just in fight or flight and your system's freaking out? by being, and really affected by quite small things. And it doesn't make sense. You don't know why you're reacting so big to these small things.Jenna Free [00:11:37 - 00:12:04]: Well, because it's not emotions, it is nervous system reactivity. And then there's a definition of emotional regulation. It says it's the ability to understand and manage your emotions in healthy ways. Here's the thing. We're trying to understand and manage emotions that aren't emotions. They're reactive responses. Here's where we get tripped up. And then it says, most people begin learning these skills in childhood, improve them as they grow older.
Jenna Free [00:12:05 - 00:12:53]: Being able to regulate your emotions helps you cope with challenges, adapt to change, and respond to life's ups and downs more effectively. And some of what I'm saying might feel like semantics, but language I think is so important in mental health, in ADHD, and in anything you're dealing with internally. Because it absolutely affects what we are trying to do. Because if you were trying to regulate your emotions, this is how you perceive it. Okay, here's my emotions. I need to regulate these. I need to be able to understand and manage these feelings better. You're kind of staying on the surface, right? We're not going, okay, well, why am I having reactions like this? Whereas if we say, hey, I'm dysregulated, I'm clearly in fight or flight and I'm in reactivity.
Jenna Free [00:12:53 - 00:13:34]: Now my mind goes deeper and I go, okay, let me get this dysregulation sorted. So it really changes how you tackle this and the results you're going to get. So the language and the way you perceive it is actually really important because this isn't about regulating the emotions. It's about regulating your nervous system. And yes, those are 2 different things. I have done a post about that before and people were arguing, well, isn't that the same thing? But no, they are not, because half of what you're dealing with isn't even emotions in the first place. This is simply your nervous system trying to protect you. It's at its limit and it can't handle anymore, so it reacts.
Jenna Free [00:13:34 - 00:14:10]: It's like a knee-jerk reaction. You're probably not even conscious about most of the things that are happening. It's similar to, you know, if someone comes around the corner and scares you. Some people will have the reaction of like punching towards the thing that scared them, even though it's like your best friend, right? You're not thinking about it. Maybe even when you start punching, you realize it's your friend and go, oh no, the reaction's already happened. That's what this is like. And we need to stop the startle response that gets you to punch, not like, oh, I need to manage the punch as it's starting. I'm really getting into the analogies here, but I think it's so vital to understand the difference.
Steps for Change: Nervous System Regulation
Jenna Free [00:14:10 - 00:15:11]: So you can start tackling the deeper thing that's going to truly change things long-term. Here are 3 things we can do to work on nervous system regulation so you can experience less survival reactions and have that emotion reserved for the connection piece, that social connection part of you that yes, you are empathic, you are loving, you are maybe still a very emotional being, but my gosh, is that a different life experience than when you are a reactive being? So first is my starting advice for everybody. Slow down. Now I know I say this again and again, and if this isn't your first episode, you might be sick of hearing this, but it is so vital. And I promise you, you can be doing more of this. Even if you've heard this 40 times, there's still room for growth because there's still room for growth for me. And I talk about this personally and professionally. This is my thing, this regulation work.
Practical Regulation: Slow Down and Build Awareness
Jenna Free [00:15:12 - 00:15:57]: And I know slowing down is a big part of that. And even I can be rushing at times. So just know you can't hear this enough, because if you are rushing through life just to get things over with, always in a hurry, stuck in impatience, your system is going to be on edge. You are going to be in survival mode thinking you're unsafe because why else would you be in such a panic all the time? Your nervous system takes cues from how you're functioning, not, you know, if you logically know you're safe or not. So that's why people say like, you can't think your way out of dysregulation. Absolutely. So we have to physically change how we are functioning, and that's going to start with speed. And slowing down is going to help the emotional reactivity.Jenna Free [00:15:57 - 00:16:38]: It's going to help the executive functioning, enjoyment of life. It really changes things biologically. It changes things mentally. It is a huge part of this work. So that is a great place to start. And number 2 and 3 are more about building awareness of these differences of emotions and reactivity. So number 2, observe what other sensations and thoughts are happening when you're feeling very reactive or what you might for now see as emotional. Have you been overwhelmed all day and now you're really easily frustrated or easy to anger with your partner or your kids? If you are quick to anger, quick to anything, remember the speed is a sign.
Jenna Free [00:16:39 - 00:17:14]: If I am fine and then snapping at someone in 1 second, oh, this is not an emotion. This is reactivity. Of course, maybe emotions grow and you have anger. Anger is a very real emotion, frustration, all of that stuff, but it's not going to go from 0 to 100 if it's a connected emotion. It is going to do that, and it's going to be fast when it is a reactivity. So we want to start seeing what is leading to this reactivity. Awareness is always the key to moving forward. So start seeing what is dysregulation instead of just going, oh, I'm so emotional.
Jenna Free [00:17:15 - 00:17:44]: I will tell you, RSD is going to be in this category. That is reactivity. That is not connected emotion. You probably know that even instinctively. Like, I don't think I actually am this sensitive. Like, the slightest perceived criticism and I, like, can't handle it and want to quit my job. Like, that is pretty reactive. That is not a connected emotion.
Jenna Free [00:17:44 - 00:18:22]: And again, connected emotion doesn't mean always, like, love and I'm connected with people, but I am connected in my body. I'm connected to the earth. I'm connected to reality. Mm-hmm. 'Cause there might be a real issue at your job where you're feeling upset about it and it's there and it's real and those emotions are telling you something, right? That might be, this is not a healthy work environment for me, blah, blah, blah. But if your work emotions are reactivity, defensiveness, quick to anger, quick to frustration, impatience, okay, that is not the same thing. And we want to start knowing that. All right.
Jenna Free [00:18:22 - 00:19:09]: And number 3, awareness and appreciation of connected emotions. If you're crying with your friend as they're going through something, what a gift to have such a strong connection to somebody. You're crying at a sad movie, or, you know, I will say a lot of my crying, especially when I'm watching videos or movies and things like that, is like, it's so beautiful. Oh, they love each other, things like that. So it's like, what a gift to be so connected to other human beings, even fictional ones in movies, that my emotions are present. What a beautiful thing. So we also want to start appreciating these emotions. This feeling is a part of being alive, whether it be quote unquote positive or negative emotions.
Jenna Free [00:19:09 - 00:19:41]: If it's a connected, grounded, just human experience type of emotion, That's so cool. Like, being numb and neutral and bland, that is not a life. So these are the 2 things I want you to start being aware of. One, reactivity is not emotion, and what is what, and observing, okay, this reactivity can be lessened. I can work on that. That can get better. Let me start by slowing down and taking it very seriously. And your brain is going to give you reasons why you can't slow down right now.
Jenna Free [00:19:41 - 00:20:30]: And I'm, but I'm late, but I'm this, but I'm that. This is what you got to start interrupting and start challenging, because if we don't stop, the cycle will never end. But also starting to appreciate real emotion, connected, grounded, regulated emotion. I will say when people ask like, what's the point of life? What's the purpose of life? Like my most favorite thing in the world is laughing till I cry. You know when you're like genuinely crying at the end? Not just tearing up, but like you have so much happening inside your body and it's fun and it's joyful that you like tip into crying. And that actually happened to me last night. I was watching some TikTok videos. I am trying to get off social media, but it's not working at the moment.
Jenna Free [00:20:31 - 00:21:26]: And I was laughing so hard that I started crying. And I was like, this is the best part of being alive. I love laughter, and that is just such a connected, deep feeling. And of course, having huge devastating things happen and having grief about it, that's harder to feel the positivity there. I understand life can be difficult, but it's also really beautiful that we can have such richness in our emotions. So I really want you So appreciating that and also identifying where, hey, this though doesn't need to be here. I don't need to be offended by every perceived slight in tone that someone might be thinking about me, right? Or that thought that someone might think they're judging me on this. Okay, we do not need to live in intense reactivity to that, but we can live in the richness of true deep emotion.
Awareness as the Door to Change
Jenna Free [00:21:27 - 00:22:33]: So when you start slowing down enough to observe these different types of Feelings that are going to come up, you have now opened a door to change. And this is why, especially on this podcast, I talk a lot about awareness and that might get annoying because it's like, yeah, okay, well, how do I fix it today? Look, if we are not aware of these things in quite detailed ways, the door's closed. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. So you may as well not even try to learn how to fix it because you do not have nuanced awareness of what's happening inside me, what is going on. Do I understand my subconscious nervous system and conscious mind, what the difference is, or the difference in these types of feelings, for example? Until you have this explicit awareness and then take it with you and observe it in yourself, not just cognitively be aware of the differences, but really start feeling it. So in the moment, you're starting to get a lay of the land. You are starting to understand your own experience of life and perception of life. And way you do things in terms of regulation, dysregulation, nervous system, all of this.Jenna Free [00:22:34 - 00:22:55]: Now you got some doors open, and these are doors we can walk through. And of course, those first steps is slowing down and changing how you're physically functioning. And that's going to take some trial and error. That's going to have barriers. That's going to have hurdles. And that's what we're doing here. Slowly meandering our way. Towards that.
Slow Growth, Lasting Change
Jenna Free [00:22:55 - 00:23:28]: And I understand that you are going to want results fast. You want big things. You want to overhaul everything tomorrow. That is the dysregulation talking, and anything that happens fast fades fast. Things that happen slow and you build up towards them are going to last a lifetime. And that's really how I tackle regulation work. So if this has felt interesting, I'm very excited. I'm really interested to know what you notice about your feelings and your emotions and your reactivity in the next week.
Closing & Upcoming Opportunities
Jenna Free [00:23:29 - 00:24:18]: And if you wanna help your clients do the same, a little reminder that the ADHD Regulation Method certification is kicking off September 21st. Get your name on that waitlist. And if you're on that waitlist, you'll also be getting information of some free trainings and some other resources coming up. And I can't wait to dive in with a group of you in the fall here to start doing this work together and with your clients. I will say I get a lot of requests of, where can I find a therapist in my city that does this? Well, we're going to be getting there. We're going to be training a lot of you guys in the coming months so that you can do this work with your clients, with the people in your area, because that is what so many people are looking for. And I can't wait to dive in with you. So thank you so much for being here.Jenna Free [00:24:18 - 00:24:23]: I'm so excited for how this week's going to go for you and what you're going to notice. And we'll see you next week.