Why ADHD Negative Self-Talk Feels Like Safety
If you've ever caught yourself spiraling after a small mistake, missing an appointment, forgetting something, or sending an email with a typo, and wondered why your brain won't just let it go, this episode gets at what's happening. Jenna breaks down why negative self-talk shows up so often for ADHDers, and the answer has nothing to do with being lazy or not trying hard enough.
She reframes it through the lens of the nervous system instead. Negative is a defense mechanism your brain builds when you're in fight-or-flight, using fear, urgency, guilt, and shame to keep you motivated and safe. The problem is that it doesn't work the way it thinks it does. It just keeps you dysregulated, and dysregulation pulls blood flow away from the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for planning, prioritizing, and remembering. So the harder you are on yourself, the worse you actually get at the thing you're trying to fix.
Here’s what’s covered:
Why negative self-talk is your brain's attempt to protect you, and why believing it's justified is the first thing to let go of
How shifting from judgment to a neutral statement of reality (you forgot the milk, and now don't have milk) takes the charge out of a mistake without pretending it didn't happen
Why reflecting on a mistake only works from a regulated state, and why berating yourself afterward makes you more likely to repeat it, not less
What to notice if part of you resists letting go of self-criticism, and why that resistance usually means some part of you still believes it's protecting you
Why you're allowed to want an easier, more enjoyable life without treating every mistake as proof you need to try harder
By the end, Jenna makes the case that regulation, not more self-discipline, is what reduces the mistakes you keep beating yourself up over. The version of you that's calm and regulated remembers more, plans better, and solves problems faster than the version stuck in shame.
"You are safe, and this mechanism is not effective."
Jenna also pushes back on the instinct to keep the pressure on as insurance against future mistakes. Letting yourself off the hook isn't the same as letting things slide. It's what actually creates the calm, clear-headed state where you catch the milk on the shelf in the first place.
Jenna's free ADHD Regulation Guide is a good next step if this episode named a pattern you recognize in yourself.
For therapists and coaches who want a regulation-first framework to bring into sessions with ADHD clients, the ADHD Regulation Method certification waitlist is open ahead of the September launch.
If you want more on this approach, check out The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, available at your local bookstore and library.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD, without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything. It's also the show where therapists, coaches, and counselors come to deepen their understanding of treating ADHD in adults and learn what regulation-based care looks like in practice.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults. You're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted because your brain is running on fight-or-flight. Willpower was never going to fix that, and once you understand that, everything changes.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What do ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
How do I get trained to treat ADHD in adults using a regulation-based approach?
What does ADHD therapist training through a regulation framework actually cover?
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the solution-focused conversations most ADHD podcasts aren't having. For practitioners, Jenna also gets into the clinical side: what nervous system regulation training looks like, how to apply a regulation framework with clients, and what ADHD coach certification and ADHD therapist training often omit. Jenna shares her own story throughout, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to thriving, so whether you're living with ADHD or working with people who are, you can see what's possible.
This show gives adults with ADHD, newly navigating a late diagnosis, and clinicians seeking ADHD continuing education one thing: a clear path toward healing
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, or a practitioner who wants to understand ADHD at the nervous system level, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Jenna Free [00:00:06 - 00:01:01]:
Hello and welcome to the ADHD with Jenna Free podcast. Today we are talking about negative self-talk. Why do we experience it so much? What can we do about it? Why is it there? How can we lessen it? I'm sure nobody's enjoying that experience, so that is what we're going to be talking about today. This episode is brought to you by ADHD groups, which are now open starting today. Groups are open to the public for the next few days. Spots are very limited, so do be sure to check that out in the show notes to see if it's a good fit for you for your next steps. This is where I go through with you all of the steps of this regulation work from front to back and leave you with a very strong set of tools that you are going to use in a continuing manner to live in a more regulated state, to reduce your symptoms, to enjoy life more. be less stressed and more productive.
Why Do ADHDers Experience Negative Self-Talk?
Jenna Free [00:01:01 - 00:01:38]: It truly, I believe, is something that every single ADHDer needs to do if they want to really thrive. So the link is in the show notes to check that out. Let's dive into the episode. Most ADHDers experience a lot of negative self-talk. And why is this? It's not because it's true or you're doing things wrong. Right there is where we need to start, is believing this negative self-talk. Believing it means that I'm really bad at things, Believing it's justified, believing it's true, that is the place we need to start because it is not. It is because you are dysregulated.
The Brain’s Defense Mechanisms and the Role of Fight or Flight
Jenna Free [00:01:39 - 00:02:21]: When we're in fight or flight, negative self-talk serves as a motivator. It's not an effective one, but this is what the brain is trying to do. So when we're in this state, the things that motivate us are fear, urgency, guilt, and shame. And so this is just one of those things that the brain is creating to try to keep you alive, to keep you motivated, to keep you moving forward. so that you don't die, right? That is what the primal part of us is thinking. Of course, you might know you're physically safe, but that is where we are functioning from. It's a little bit like building your own bear, right? I talk about that analogy a lot of, you know, your nervous system doesn't know the difference between I have a lot of emails to write and I'm getting chased by a bear. This is like creating your own bear.
Negative Self-Talk as a False Motivator
Jenna Free [00:02:21 - 00:03:03]: Oh my gosh, this negative self-talk, it's so hard on me. It motivates me through guilt, shame, urgency, and fear. And that is what we want to start realizing, that that's what's happening. So say you go to the store for milk and you get everything but the milk. I'm sure we've all been there or something similar. Your brain thinks that berating yourself, being very critical, will keep you safe from making this mistake again, that making this mistake is dangerous, and that this will protect you. If we ruminate about it enough, if we're hard enough on ourselves, if we feel bad enough about it, we will do better next time. You have probably seen by now that that's not very effective, or you wouldn't forget a damn thing ever again for the rest of your life.
Recognizing the Ineffectiveness of Self-Criticism
Jenna Free [00:03:04 - 00:03:30]: We are so hard on ourselves and it is not working. It is not working and it's causing a lot of problems as well. So here is what you can do to work on negative self-talk. So like I mentioned, step 1 is to be aware of why it's happening. This is your brain using a defense mechanism to keep you safe. That's what's happening. But here's the reality. You are safe and this mechanism is not effective.
Awareness: Knowing That Negative Self-Talk Doesn’t Work
Jenna Free [00:03:31 - 00:04:08]: It thinks it is. That's why it keeps doing it. But now we need to get your conscious brain on board with realizing, ah, that's what that is. That's my brain trying to keep me safe, thinking if I, you know, if I'm scared enough, if I'm freaked out enough, if I'm hard enough on myself and I feel bad enough, I'll do better. Doesn't work that way. Berating yourself will not have you be less likely to make the mistake again. And honestly, I would guess that it will actually make it more likely to happen again because it is dysregulating, right? Obviously, that negative self-talk isn't calming, that isn't regulating and soothing. It's dysregulating.
The Effects of Dysregulation on the Brain
Jenna Free [00:04:08 - 00:04:58]: It puts us more on edge and more in that state of fight or flight. And when we're dysregulated, our blood flow leaves the prefrontal cortex, that part of our brain responsible for prioritization, planning, logical thinking, and even remembering, right? Even that memory piece. So if our blood flow is leaving that area, we're not gonna be able to think mindfully, we're not gonna be able to think logically to solve the problem or fix the mistake or prioritize or plan for next time or remember what we wanna do differently. So it actually will have you more dysregulated, which has us make more mistakes overall. So it really, really is ineffective. So this awareness is key. Because we want to change how you're interacting with your negative self-talk. So you might say something like, thanks brain, I know you're trying to protect me, but this is not helping.
Calling Out Negative Self-Talk
Jenna Free [00:04:58 - 00:05:31]: This is not useful, right? We kind of want to call out that negative self-talk instead of just hearing it and believing it and kind of running with it. Sometimes we can really go a long time and the brain just goes and goes and goes about how horrible we are and how we're so stupid and all of that. So we really want to start clocking it. And even as I begin talking about this right now, you might think, but I can't let myself off the hook. That's often what I hear. And I would ask why. You know, adults and teachers did that for so long. They never let you off the hook.
Letting Yourself Off the Hook: Examining Past Experiences
Jenna Free [00:05:31 - 00:05:59]: Did it work? Did it solve all your problems? Did you never make mistakes? Probably not. No one is coming to slap your hand and get you in trouble. You know, but I know that's how we can feel. Oh my God, I made a mistake. Now I got to protect myself because people are going to judge me. I'm going to get in trouble. People are going to get mad at me. A big part of regulation work is realizing you are the adult now, assuming you're an adult listening to this.
Natural Consequences and Self-Compassion
Jenna Free [00:06:00 - 00:06:24]: And yes, we are required to live with outcomes of actions and decisions, but that's it. So the outcome of forgetting milk is you don't have milk. Period. That's the only thing we need to live with. That's the consequence, right? We do not need to talk down to ourselves like our parents or teachers did in the past, because we know that doesn't work. It's just making things harder. Not necessary. You can— Let yourself off the hook.
Understanding the “Hook” and the Importance of Regulation
Jenna Free [00:06:25 - 00:07:08]: Because what is the hook in the first place, right? It's probably some sort of fear and dysregulation and panic. Not helping. Being in a regulated state where you're kind of cool, calm, and collected and can think clearly is where you're going to solve a lot of your problems. Fix mistakes, and actually prevent mistakes as well. All right, so that's the first one: the awareness of you are safe without this negative self-talk, and it's only there because your system thinks it's keeping you alive and it's helping you. And we, our conscious mind, knows it's not. First step, because if you think it's helping you, even in a subconscious way, you're going to keep it. You're gonna feed into it and you're not gonna wanna work on it.
Shifting to Neutral Instead of Negative
Jenna Free [00:07:09 - 00:07:46]: All right, number 2, shifting to neutral. So maybe you aren't gonna get excited about forgetting the milk. I get that. I still forget stuff now and then. That's a big part of ADHD and that can happen. It's typically not the end of the world. And if we can stay regulated about it, we're gonna have a much better experience and in the long run make less of these mistakes and memory will even get a bit better. So we may not celebrate, but can we shift this negative self-talk to neutral? So we've observed, I see my brain's starting to like beat me up about this or be really hard on myself.
Observing and Responding to Self-Talk
Jenna Free [00:07:47 - 00:08:05]: Okay, not helpful, brain. I know you're trying to keep me safe. It's not going to motivate me. It's only hurting. Okay, how can we shift to neutral? And that is just identifying the reality, right? The reality is I went to the store to get milk. And I did not get milk. That's it. That's all that is true.
Focusing on Reality Over Judgment
Jenna Free [00:08:06 - 00:08:18]: Everything else is dysregulation. Everything else is negative self-talk. Everything else is judgment, shame, guilt. You do not have milk. That can be annoying. You wanted milk. You don't have milk. Period.
Consequences and Neutral Reframing
Jenna Free [00:08:19 - 00:09:00]: Right? You have a consequence of not having milk. That's all we need. The rest can be neutral. Make it as neutral as possible. And sometimes you might even get a little chuckle out of it, of like, you might have such an upheaval inside your body, and they go, I went to go get milk. I did not get milk. Sometimes it's like comically simple, and it's kind of sweet in a way of like, oh, the reality is actually not as big as I'm projecting it to be because I'm adding all this negative self-talk and judgment and all of that. You might be thinking, okay, so I'm just going to forget milk every day for the rest of my life and never remember everything and always make mistakes? No.
Reflection and Learning—Not Just Acceptance
Jenna Free [00:09:02 - 00:09:30]: You can still learn from things. I'm not saying don't be logical and don't go, ah, I see I made a mistake here. What was that about? Right? But that's only going to happen from a place of regulation. If we're spending our time after, you know, I'm just calling forgetting milk making a mistake, but it's just like forgetting something. But after making a mistake, berating yourself, I should have done this, I should have done that, I'm so stupid. That's not solving anything. You're not learning anything. So you're actually more likely to repeat the same mistakes.
Curiosity, Reflection, and Real-Life Examples
Jenna Free [00:09:31 - 00:10:24]: We don't need to just accept a cycle of making the same mistake again and again, hitting our head against the wall and being frustrated that we did it again. That's actually probably what's happening right now in a dysregulated state. But we can use curiosity to go, hmm, what went on there? What happened that had me forget the milk? Because we can just say, oh, I'm so stupid, I have ADHD. Well, something in particular in this instance, or maybe something that keeps happening, Is going on, right? Because you don't forget everything all the time, always. So what happened here? I'm talking about going to the store to get milk because I find the grocery store quite dysregulating. I find, especially buying a lot of groceries, very challenging. I almost always forget something, or it just takes me so long to go through the store because it— I don't know, it just confuses me. I get very dysregulated and overstimulated in a grocery store.
Using Curiosity to Problem-Solve
Jenna Free [00:10:24 - 00:10:56]: So this is a really good example from my personal experience. But you might go, okay, with that curiosity of regulated, calm minds, let me reflect. Hmm, yes, I did forget the milk. That is a bit frustrating because all I really needed, that was like my number one priority, and then I got everything but the milk. Well, let me think what happened. Okay, so I went in the store. Uh, yes, I saw the pasta. I was thinking about how I need dinner for Wednesday, so then I went and got that, and then I got the other things for the pasta.
Tweaking, Experimenting, and Using Support Tools
Jenna Free [00:10:57 - 00:11:41]: And I really was rushing quite a bit. I was running through the store trying to get it over with to get back home. Okay, I see a few things there. So we may learn and tweak and experiment, right? How could I make this better? For me, and this is a real-life example, I have learned I need a list even if I'm going to pick up 1 or 2 or 3 things. Like, I just need to do that. That simply is how I support myself. And it's just a, it's a support, right? Maybe I'll remember the things, But if I don't, I have something to refer to so I don't get distracted, overwhelmed, or forget one of the items. So that may be on Notes in my phone with the Notes open while I'm going around the store, or might be on a piece of paper, but I have a list when I go in a store, particularly with food.
Intentional Shopping, Regulation, and Real-Life Application
Jenna Free [00:11:41 - 00:12:43]: For some reason, I really need that. And then you may notice, wow, I was really rushing around, so I'm going to also work on slowing down. In the grocery store because I was rushing around the store trying to get it over with, and I wasn't even able to stop and think I needed milk, and I didn't even observe the milk when I passed it, right? Had you been slowed down, more present, you may have known, oh yeah, milk, right? So we can observe a couple things that might be happening that have you stuck in that place of making the same mistake again and again and again. And if we don't do any reflection, all we do is beat ourselves up about it. You're never going to learn that about yourself. And then try something new next time. I do find if I do have to go get groceries and say it's like the longer weekly list, which my husband typically does that because it's not my forte, but if I do have to go, I do it pretty darn slowly, right? I have to be quite intentional, quite regulated, and really working on focusing on one thing at a time. You know, the ADHD self, or you might be thinking, oh my God, I shouldn't have to do that.
Accepting Supports and Addressing Dysregulation
Jenna Free [00:12:43 - 00:13:31]: Look, we got to do what we got to do at some points. Yes, when you're regulated, everything's going to get a lot easier, so you don't have to work quite as hard. But there are going to be some things where it's like, I just need to do things in this way for me to succeed. I make more mistakes when I'm— it's typically somewhat dysregulation-related, right? I'm rushing, I'm being very frantic about it, I am not giving myself the supports like having a list and thinking I should remember, but I should remember, okay, but You don't. So what could we do about it, right? In the reality, not in the judgment and the shame and the guilt and the berating, right? That's not a helpful place. All right, so we want to be aware of why the negative self-talk is there. This is a defense mechanism thinking it's keeping me safe, and I know it's not. Now I'm going to shift to neutral.
Staying Rooted in Reality and Problem-Solving
Jenna Free [00:13:31 - 00:14:03]: What's the reality? I went to the store to get milk. I did not get milk. And now I do not have milk. Right from there, you might want to solve the quote unquote problem, and your choices are go back to the store and get milk or be without milk today. Right? It's just we're so much more rooted in reality, able to simply solve problems and make choices rooted in reality instead of but I should have done this, but I should have done that. I'm so stupid. Two hours later, it's like okay, that hasn't solved anything. Then we can reflect and learn.
Learning from Mistakes Calmly
Jenna Free [00:14:03 - 00:14:33]: If you're making mistakes that you're frustrated about, things are happening that you're like I would prefer not to do that. I would prefer not to forget the milk when I go to pick up milk. Great. Let's reflect. Let's learn. We're always learning and growing, right? This is a positive— not even positive, but this is a safe place. I can— it's okay to reflect on things I've done that I didn't— I wish I hadn't done that way and learn from it, um, in a way that feels good and calm and I don't need to panic about it. All right, number 4.
Examining Resistance to Letting Go of Negative Self-Talk
Jenna Free [00:14:35 - 00:15:21]: Is if it feels uncomfortable to let go of negative self-talk, even in our discussion here, you might think, yeah, but yeah, but observe what feels scary about it. What are the yeah, buts coming up for you? What do you think will happen if you stop the negative self-talk? So maybe you're thinking like, well, if I let myself off the hook, then blah, blah, blah. What is coming up for you? Because if it's something, we got to observe that resistance. Because if you're, you know, even if it's a subconscious belief that negative self-talk is helpful, your brain just will not go, you know, work on it because it's thinking, well, I don't want to get rid of this thing. This thing is keeping me alive. It's keeping me safe. And that tends to not be the case in reality, but you might be feeling that for various reasons. So you can have a look inside of what's going on there.
Investigating What You Believe Self-Talk Does for You
Jenna Free [00:15:22 - 00:16:00]: And then you may have to reflect, what do you think the negative self-talk is helping with? What do you think it's doing for you? Because if you really believed this is hurting me, this is not helping with anything, it'd be pretty easy to at least accept my words of like, hey, let's work on this. This is a valuable thing to work on and you're going to be happier without it. You'd probably go, yes, of course. Okay, let me get into these steps, Jenna. But if you're like, yeah, but— that tells me that somewhere a part of you thinks it's helping. We need to get down to the nitty-gritty of that so we know what's going on there. Because you may look at it consciously and go, okay, I know that's ridiculous. But somewhere you know, it's sticking there.
You Deserve a Life Without Unnecessary Hardship
Jenna Free [00:16:00 - 00:16:29]: So something important to look at. The 5th point, you deserve to live a life that's easier and more enjoyable. You deserve to enjoy the process of life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve all of that good stuff. You don't have to, you know, figure out how to never make a mistake again in order to be happy, or you do everything perfectly in order to enjoy life. You deserve it. You deserve a good life that feels nice.
Not Adding Extra Hardship With Self-Talk
Jenna Free [00:16:30 - 00:17:07]: And negative self-talk is always going to go against this effort, or that reality, or that desire that I hope you have of a nice enjoyable life. So for the milk example, yeah, that's annoying. You forgot the milk. Now you don't have milk. You have a you know a natural consequence of forgetting the milk is not having milk. Okay, that sucks, right? That's the reality, and that can be very annoying. But we do not need to make it even harder. By being so critical of ourselves and participating in that negative self-talk, because that's just a layer on top of the reality that's already difficult that we don't need.
Choosing Gentleness and Self-Regulation
Jenna Free [00:17:07 - 00:17:42]: We don't need it. There's no use for it. And you have—I say this in a way of like this is a conversation between you and yourself, so you have control over both ends of this conversation. You don't have control over all the thoughts you have, but we can work on adjusting them and shifting them and changing how our brain thinks, creating new neural pathways so that your brain. Doesn't go to negative self-talk as a defense mechanism. But you know, this isn't your teacher getting mad at you because your homework's late. This is you talking to you. Like, you can choose to let it be easier.
Letting Yourself Off the Hook: A Kinder Approach
Jenna Free [00:17:42 - 00:18:18]: You can choose to quote unquote let yourself off the hook. Being on the hook, if you think of it physically, like hanging off a hook, doesn't sound like you're going to do a good job of anything in that state. Right? Going, ah, yes, I made a mistake. I forgot something. It's okay. Like if your kid came home from school and went, oh my God, Mom, I forgot my water bottle, and was freaking out, berating herself about it, you wouldn't go, yes, keep being hard on yourself so you don't never forget it again. Maybe old-fashioned parenting would, but I'm probably thinking people listening right now would not do that. You go, it's okay, honey.
Compassion Over Criticism: Parenting Analogy
Jenna Free [00:18:18 - 00:18:53]: You know, we can get it tomorrow. You may go, well, do you know where you put it? Like, what? Why do you think you forgot it today? You may reflect and learn a little together, but you're probably not going to believe that negative self-talk will help her. So same for yourself. Negative self-talk's not going to help you just because you forgot the milk at the store. And I know I'm using one analogy, but this can be for anything that you beat yourself up about. Like, it's not going to help. It's not going to make it any better, and it's going to make you miserable. And then it's gonna be more dysregulating, which is gonna make you struggle even more.
Breaking the Cycle: Why More Self-Criticism Doesn’t Work
Jenna Free [00:18:53 - 00:19:59]: It's gonna make your ADHD symptoms go up even more, and you're gonna, you know, it's a vicious cycle. So let's turn that cycle around. The more we can be aware of the negative self-talk and identify it for what it is, the more we can shift to more neutral thinking, the more we can learn from things in a more logical and thoughtful and loving way, and, you know, start doing things differently. The more we can challenge kind of those beliefs that the negative self-talk is helpful, and the more we can live a life that's enjoyable and easier, the more regulated you're gonna become, the less ADHD symptoms you're gonna have, the more calm you're gonna feel, the more regulated you're gonna be, the more you're gonna remember the milk when you go to the store, the slower you're gonna go, or at least like not rushing, not necessarily slow. I wouldn't say I move slow in life, but I don't rush, right? Those are two very different things. All of that starts turning around. It's all connected. So as you move forward with your week, please start observing that negative self-talk and flagging it for what it is, which is a very outdated defense mechanism that is only hurting you.
Try a Kinder Approach This Week
Jenna Free [00:20:00 - 00:21:00]: And then go through these steps and see, hmm, what kind of shifts can I make here? And notice what happens. Just because you are kind to yourself after you forget the milk, Are you now forgetting more than you ever have before? I really don't think that's going to happen. If anything, worst case scenario, it's the same. I suspect things would get better over time though, because you would be more regulated overall, which is going to have things be so much better, so much more enjoyable. And honestly, what is the point of this life if you get everything done and never forget anything, but you're miserable as hell? To me, that's like, well, why bother? I want to live a good life, live a quote-unquote productive life, do things well so that I can live a happy, enjoyable life, right? So that's kind of like, is this a means to an end? Why did you want to get the milk? So you had milk and could enjoy your coffee. Well, berating yourself and not having the milk to enjoy your coffee is just double annoying. It's double, you know, the hurt. We don't need it.
Summary and Encouragement
Jenna Free [00:21:01 - 00:21:21]: Let's make our lives as easy as possible. It's a beautiful thing. Okay. So I hope this gave you something to think about when it comes to negative self-talk. This is a big one. I know it's probably a lot of chatter in there. We're not going to get mad at our brains for the negative self-talk. It's just trying to help you.
Gentle Rejection of Negative Self-Talk
Jenna Free [00:21:21 - 00:21:47]: But we can realize, okay, I see what you're doing, little brain. No, thank you. Not helpful. Right? Do it with a— with an air of gentleness. Yeah. and maybe a little bit of lightheartedness, and that can really help as well. So this week, if you are feeling called, be sure to check out ADHD groups. Spots are filling quickly, but I'm very excited to get started.