Free Your ADHD Motivation from Fear and Urgency
You finally sit down to do the thing. You've been thinking about it all day, maybe all week. And then nothing. You can't start, or push through, and somehow, the only time anything actually gets done is when the deadline is close enough to feel like a threat.
You've probably heard that you just need better systems. So you go and get a planner, a timer, and maybe even try a reward chart. But what if the real problem isn't your systems at all? What if the only motivators currently available to you are fear, guilt, urgency, and shame?
The problem lives in your nervous system, not your personality, and it's why the way most ADHDers are pushing themselves to get things done is the exact thing keeping them stuck.
Here's what we cover:
Why fear, guilt, urgency, and shame feel like the only things that work, and why that's a sign of dysregulation rather than a personality trait
How ADHD's fight or flight keeps you in survival mode, where the only motivator your brain can access is the equivalent of a bear chasing you through the woods
Why ADHD procrastination and last-minute scrambling aren't laziness, but compulsive responses to a nervous system that doesn't feel safe enough to move any other way
What pull motivators are, why they feel impossibly gentle when you're dysregulated, and why they become more available as your nervous system calms down
How ADHD exhaustion can hit even on days when you've done nothing, and why that's your body spending all its energy just staying in fight or flight
Why going harder, moving faster, and being more rigid with yourself is likely making ADHD paralysis worse, not better
The belief that keeps so many ADHDers stuck: if I let go of the fear, I'll stop functioning entirely, and why that belief deserves a closer look
This one is for you if you've been white-knuckling your way through your days, wondering why nothing feels sustainable and why rest never really feels like rest. The answer probably isn't more pressure. It's less.
"When you're in fight or flight, it's draining your battery just to exist."
Jenna's book, The Simple Guide to ADHD Regulation, is where the deeper internal work lives. Available wherever books are sold, and yes, your library even has it.
Connect with Jenna
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More about ADHD with Jenna
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Jenna Free [00:00:00 - 00:00:32]:
[00:00:00] To let you know that on April 24th I am hosting a free regulation workshop for ADHD years. [00:00:13] If you are interested in diving more on this approach. [00:00:16] If you want to work with me live, you can come join me on April 24th at 6pm Mountain Time. [00:00:22] We will be doing a 90 minute workshop. [00:00:24] Come join. [00:00:25] You can sign up through the link in the show notes and I can't wait to see you there. [00:00:29] Hello and welcome to the ADHD with Jenna podcast.
The True Problem: Fight or Flight in ADHD
Jenna Free [00:00:33 - 00:01:14]:
[00:00:33] As always, we are diving into how being in fight or flight as an ADHDER is your true problem. [00:00:39] And how do we get out of that? [00:00:41] How do we regulate? [00:00:42] How do we get into the flow? [00:00:43] How do we reset and rebuild from a place of safety where our nervous system is on board, our subconscious is on board, our conscious mind is on board and we're all parts of us working together to live a life that feels good. [00:00:59] You can have a life that feels good with adhd. [00:01:02] You can enjoy life with adhd. [00:01:04] That's a big part of this work. [00:01:06] I don't just want productivity for you. [00:01:08] I want enjoyment and I want freedom. [00:01:10] What I really love about regulation work is it gives us freedom to choose.
Compulsive Behaviors and ADHD
Jenna Free [00:01:15 - 00:01:43]:
[00:01:15] Right now you may be feeling like a lot of your behavior is compulsive, meaning you're not necessarily choosing it. [00:01:21] You just don't feel like there's another option, like, you know, procrastinating and doing things the night before. [00:01:27] You're not choosing to do it the night before. [00:01:29] You literally can't do it sooner. [00:01:32] You may feel like you're not choosing to scroll. [00:01:35] You can't not, you're not choosing to spend the way you're spending. [00:01:39] You just can't help yourself. [00:01:41] You can't choose your choices.
Jenna Free [00:01:43 - 00:02:16]:
[00:01:43] You can't choose your behavior. [00:01:45] It's just happening. [00:01:46] That's what compulsive means, meaning I can't not do it or I can't do it even if I wanted to. [00:01:53] What regulation allows us to do is have the freedom of choice, of being able to choose to rest when you want to rest, choose to work when you want to work, choose to confront hard things when you want to confront hard things. [00:02:05] Not that it's going to be easy, but you can do it. [00:02:07] You have the choice to do it or not. [00:02:09] You can choose to not do hard things today because you're too tired, but it's a choice. [00:02:14] You can choose to help someone out.
Jenna Free [00:02:16 - 00:02:33]:
[00:02:16] You can choose to say no. [00:02:18] That's a big one. [00:02:19] There's people pleasers and it's not people pleasing because that's how you are. [00:02:24] It's because you were in Fight Flight. [00:02:26] Freeze Fawn. [00:02:28] Fawn is just as much of part of it. [00:02:30] Meaning I make everyone else happy. [00:02:32] I focus on everyone else's need.
Jenna Free [00:02:33 - 00:03:13]:
[00:02:33] I always say yes, even though I don't want to. [00:02:37] That is just as much a part of dysregulation as, you know, irritability and flight fleeing avoidance. [00:02:45] So that was my little pep talk. [00:02:48] But today we're going to specifically, specifically be talking about motivation and motivators. [00:02:54] So as a dysregulated adhder, you probably feel that right now the only thing that motivates you is fear, urgency, guilt and shame. [00:03:05] It's these kind of quote unquote negative motivators. [00:03:07] These push motivators, as I call them, like they're coming up from behind you like, oh my God, it's due tomorrow. [00:03:12] Come on, come on, let's go.
Understanding Motivation: Push vs Pull Motivators
Push Motivators: Fear, Urgency, Guilt, and Shame
Jenna Free [00:03:14 - 00:04:15]:
[00:03:14] And that's quote unquote motivating because it does get you to do the thing. [00:03:18] Well, that is motivating. [00:03:19] Like a bear in the woods would be motivating. [00:03:21] Yes. [00:03:21] If that bear's chasing you, you're gonna run no matter how tired you are. [00:03:25] But the second that bear has left the scene, what are you gonna do? [00:03:30] Flop on the ground? [00:03:31] You're gonna find a place to sleep and hole up until you're in danger again and then you'll run again. [00:03:37] These push motivators, these fear based, guilt, shame, urgency, these types of motivators do, do give us that burst, right? [00:03:48] Like hammering it out the night before, getting into that frantic state that we talked about earlier of oh my gosh, there's so much to do. [00:03:57] Now all of a sudden I have so much to do and I'm so overwhelmed and then we crash, right? [00:04:01] That's creating that cycle because we are focusing on the motivators of fear and that doesn't work because it doesn't last.
Jenna Free [00:04:16 - 00:04:52]:
[00:04:16] It is not sustainable. [00:04:17] We really want to find if regulation is a goal of yours, if you want to get to a place where life with ADHD is easier and we're not having these very strong symptoms and getting stuck in these extremes. [00:04:30] We want to do be plodding along and living life at a nice pace. [00:04:37] You can't do that when your only motivator is being chased by a bear. [00:04:41] And that's not to say that hasn't served you until now. [00:04:44] I'm not here to make ourselves feel bad for anything because there's no room for that in regulation. [00:04:49] So it's worked for you up until now. [00:04:51] And that's fine.
Jenna Free [00:04:53 - 00:05:19]:
[00:04:53] It worked for me for many, many, many years. [00:04:54] Quote, unquote worked. [00:04:55] Right? [00:04:55] It didn't work for me as a emotional conscious being, but it worked for me productivity wise. [00:05:01] I got enough done. [00:05:03] I squeaked it in under the deadlines. [00:05:04] It was not an enjoyable experience, it was not enjoyable process, but it, but it quote unquote worked. [00:05:10] So yes, it may have worked until now, but if you don't want to keep living like that, maybe there's another way. [00:05:18] And I'm here to say, yes, there is.
The Shift to Regulation and Its Challenges
Jenna Free [00:05:21 - 00:06:02]:
[00:05:21] So shifting into regulation can be scary because one of the things we don't want to let go of is our only, quote unquote, only motivator of this push being chased. [00:05:33] Motivator, Fear based motivators. [00:05:35] We don't want to let that go because there may be the belief that if I let go of that fear, if I tell the bear to go away, which we can often be creating our own bears with guilt, shame, negative self talk, all of that. [00:05:49] We're like creating the fear and urgency. [00:05:51] If I let that go away, I'm gonna be a lump on a log. [00:05:54] I'm going to sit on the couch for the rest of my life and never do anything if I'm not in fear. [00:05:58] And I call BS on that. [00:06:01] That is not who you are.
Jenna Free [00:06:03 - 00:06:31]:
[00:06:03] It's not that you don't care about yourself. [00:06:04] It's not that you don't want good things for yourself. [00:06:06] It is that you are in fight or flight. [00:06:08] So the only motivator we currently have access to is that bear chasing us. [00:06:14] So we will create the bear. [00:06:15] We'll create urgency where it's not required. [00:06:18] We will create panic and anxiety where it's really like, it's fine, there's no big deal. [00:06:22] But if that, if our nervous system, our subconscious, our brain is saying, hey, the only thing that gets us moving is when we're freaked out and panicked.
Jenna Free [00:06:31 - 00:07:32]:
[00:06:31] And in fight or flight, we will put ourselves into fight or flight. [00:06:34] Not on purpose, but just because that's what's been working and so we got to keep doing it. [00:06:39] So when we are regulated, and I do urge you to watch the past couple episodes if you haven't, because that's going to talk about how we get started on that process and the action steps to take. [00:06:50] But even just this understanding is going to be helpful. [00:06:53] So we want to observe where are those push motivators, those fear based motivators showing up? [00:06:59] And do I believe that's the only thing that's ever going to motivate me because that's going to get in the way of your regulation, of you being able to slow down and take life at a more sustainable pace. [00:07:11] But when you do, when you get to a more regulated state, regulation is a lifelong process, meaning it's just kind of a framework we come at life from. [00:07:20] It's not like a state of being that you're going to click into and it's going to be perfect for the rest of your life. [00:07:25] But when we do come from this frame of reference for life, we want to see what else is possible.
Pull Motivators: Positive Change for ADHD
Jenna Free [00:07:32 - 00:08:26]:
[00:07:32] And so when I am regulated, this is when the pull motivators become more accessible and become more relevant and actually work. [00:07:42] And whenever I say, I've done posts where I've said, oh, you know, fear, shame, guilt, urgency, like, those are not effective motivators if we want to live well with adhd, if we want to be regulated and people are like, what other motivators are there? [00:07:55] Which I find so sweet. [00:07:56] It's like we don't even have the contemplation. [00:07:59] We can't even fathom anything else. [00:08:01] Which I totally get because we've been running from that bear for decades. [00:08:05] And we're like, what else could there be? [00:08:08] So positive motivators or pull motivators are things like desire, wanting to, wanting to feel good, wanting to have clean clothes. [00:08:18] I am pulled to do the laundry because I want clean clothes, not, oh my God, I'm such a piece of shit because I haven't done the laundry in a month. [00:08:25] Oh my God, oh my God.
Jenna Free [00:08:26 - 00:08:56]:
[00:08:26] And that's what gets me to do the laundry. [00:08:28] Like, that doesn't work. [00:08:28] It doesn't work long term and it's why you haven't done the laundry in a month. [00:08:32] The cool thing with pull motivators, those I hate to say positive and negative because they're really not, but they are like the desire based motivators that are going to pull you towards something. [00:08:43] They are less acute, they are less intense. [00:08:46] Right. [00:08:46] Wanting to do the laundry is a gentler or not even wanting to do laundry because I don't necessarily want to do the process of laundry, but I want clean clothes. [00:08:54] I want the result of that task.
Jenna Free [00:08:56 - 00:09:56]:
[00:08:56] Wanting clean clothes is a more gentle pull. [00:08:59] It's a more gentle, sustainable feeling than the shame and guilt and the panic of, oh my God, nobody has clean clothes and I'm so horrible and clean. [00:09:09] So I get why that might be like scary, but isn't that what we're going for? [00:09:14] If you want to be regulated that's kind of what we're working towards, more of a approach to life. [00:09:20] And so the pull motivators are more sustainable, more gentle, less like power it and run and then crash. [00:09:28] Right? [00:09:28] That's the whole thing we're trying to get out of because we know that doesn't work long term. [00:09:32] It works to keep your head above water, but that's all it does. [00:09:35] And if you want to walk firmly on land and have a life that's much more relaxed, we need to start observing the pull motivators. [00:09:45] So firstly, just know that they might not work, quote unquote for you right now if you're in fight or flight and you are still in that place of, I feel unsafe, I gotta run.
Barriers and Beliefs in ADHD Regulation
Jenna Free [00:09:57 - 00:10:49]:
[00:09:57] No, you're not just gonna magically, like tap into like, oh, I want to move my body because that'll feel good. [00:10:02] No, but I just giving. [00:10:04] I'm laying a vision for one of the barriers that might come up in your journey. [00:10:10] Because that barrier of I can't let go of the anxiety, I can't let go of the fear, I can't let go of the rushing because I believe I'm going to not do anything if I let go of it. [00:10:22] So I'm here to tell you, those pull motivators, those much more enjoyable and feel good motivators, will start to come up for you when you have calmed your system down. [00:10:39] And I do promise that. [00:10:41] I promise that because human beings inherently want good things. [00:10:47] I know you want good things for yourself.
Jenna Free [00:10:50 - 00:11:34]:
[00:10:50] And so that could be something you just reflect on of. [00:10:53] You know, if I wasn't always running from a bear, if I was sitting in the forest, analogies can really help with this stuff. [00:10:59] If I was sitting in the forest going, hey, this is a beautiful forest with lots of food and I don't need to panic about anything, what would I do then? [00:11:08] Are you gonna sit under that tree for the rest of your life? [00:11:12] Probably not. [00:11:12] You might go, oh, I wonder what's over this mountain. [00:11:15] I wonder what's over here. [00:11:16] Let's go check this out. [00:11:17] Let's go venture over here. [00:11:19] What kind of fruits on this hill? [00:11:21] Like, you will have a desire to go seek new things, to grow, to learn, but that is so overshadowed and buried when we are getting chased by a bear.
Survival Mode and the Impact on Enjoyment
Jenna Free [00:11:34 - 00:12:02]:
[00:11:34] Now imagine yourself in a forest and the bear is chasing you. [00:11:37] You're not worried about a damn thing other than surviving. [00:11:41] You are not worried about what's over that mountain. [00:11:43] You're not worried about what fruit you might find on that hill over there. [00:11:47] Because you are just trying to survive. [00:11:50] When we're in fight or flight, we are in survival mode, meaning living, not to die. [00:11:58] That is no way to live. [00:12:01] It sucks.
Jenna Free [00:12:02 - 00:13:07]:
[00:12:02] I don't say that to shame us because it's fine, it's fine, you're okay. [00:12:09] And if you want it to be different, we can work on making it different. [00:12:15] We can get to a place where we're really enjoying the journey we're exploring. [00:12:21] We're being pulled by curiosity and interest and desire instead of only fear working to get us up and moving. [00:12:33] So for right now, I am interested to hear what resistance you're having to this, because you probably are. [00:12:40] That is one of the biggest struggles with regulation work is the fact that you're currently dysregulated is a barrier. [00:12:49] Right? [00:12:49] Your brain, subconscious, nervous system are probably in fight or flight, meaning I'm just trying to survive. [00:12:58] So when I say things like, hey, you can slow down, you can relax, don't worry, you won't just be a lump on a log for the rest of your life.
Challenging Beliefs and Regulation Messaging
Jenna Free [00:13:07 - 00:13:29]:
[00:13:07] I totally get that parts of you are going to say, no, that's not safe, that's not safe, and that's okay. [00:13:13] We have to grapple through this stuff. [00:13:15] We have to talk about this for a long time. [00:13:19] You got to work at this for a while. [00:13:21] You have been receiving messaging of, you know, it's not good enough. [00:13:27] You're not moving fast enough. [00:13:28] Come on, work harder. [00:13:28] Go, go, go, go, go.
Jenna Free [00:13:29 - 00:14:16]:
[00:13:29] Figure out your planners, figure out your timers get more rigid and intense so that you can live in this society. [00:13:35] You have been receiving that type of messaging for decades. [00:13:40] This is a new type of messaging going, wait, actually, the panic, the rushing. [00:13:46] If you're watching the video, I'm pointing to my sign that says, there's no rush is hurting me. [00:13:54] This is actually counterintuitively making me less productive. [00:13:58] This is tipping me into paralysis. [00:14:01] This is having me run around like a chicken with my head cut off and doing shit that makes no sense. [00:14:07] Oh, for that message to get into your brain and body, like, truly, for you to believe it and absorb it and have that be your truth is going to take some time.
Grace in the ADHD Regulation Process
Jenna Free [00:14:17 - 00:15:09]:
[00:14:17] So allow yourself the grace for this to grapple with these things. [00:14:22] It's going to take time and thinking about it and going, hmm, what did Jenna say about that? [00:14:28] Let me think on that for a while before any big things are going to happen. [00:14:34] Because in this work, at the beginning especially, we are looking for a state change, state of being, meaning inside your body, you're experiencing things differently. [00:14:47] We're looking for that before. [00:14:49] We're looking for behavior change. [00:14:50] And a lot of other ADHD approaches go straight to behavior change. [00:14:55] But if you are in fight or flight, changing your behavior is going to be very challenging, if not impossible. [00:15:01] We need to get you out of that state of being, then you will naturally behave in a different way.
Jenna Free [00:15:10 - 00:15:30]:
[00:15:10] You're behaving the way you do. [00:15:11] You're doing the things you do. [00:15:14] I was going to say you're making the choices you're making, but you're not making choices. [00:15:17] A lot of what we do when we're in fight or flight is compulsive. [00:15:22] Meaning I didn't choose this. [00:15:24] That's why I talked about freedom earlier. [00:15:26] I'm not choosing to only do things the night before. [00:15:29] I don't want to do it like that.
Jenna Free [00:15:30 - 00:16:17]:
[00:15:30] I just literally can't. [00:15:32] Not so you're not even making choices. [00:15:35] But those kind of behaviors, even if we didn't choose them, are because we are in fight or flight. [00:15:43] And that's so weird, right? [00:15:46] We think if I move faster, if I work harder, if I just catch up, if I'm more intense, if I'm more rigid, if I'm harder on myself, I will make up for lost time. [00:15:55] I'll get there, I'll catch up, then everything will be okay. [00:16:00] I know it's felt like that for a really long time. [00:16:04] It feels really scary to let go of that. [00:16:07] But if we look at it, you know, take a step back, zoom out, and ask yourself, is it working? [00:16:15] Though it's probably not.
The Impact of Dysregulation on Productivity and Well-being
Jenna Free [00:16:18 - 00:17:05]:
[00:16:18] The funny thing about dysregulation is dysregulation is so illogical, right? [00:16:24] We are not making thoughtful, mindful choices when we're in dysregulation. [00:16:29] Even, like, you know, rushing around so much that then we're crashed when we get home. [00:16:36] I mean, that doesn't make much sense, right? [00:16:39] Oh, that didn't work very well. [00:16:41] But we're often not connecting that truth. [00:16:43] That's like, oh, it was my intensity and frantic energy that had me crash. [00:16:48] It's not just inevitable. [00:16:51] So we want to start making these connections of, oh, even if I'm still in dysregulation, I could see that dysregulation is not working for me. [00:16:59] I can see that being overwhelmed, panicked, and in a rush is keeping me stuck.
Jenna Free [00:17:05 - 00:17:28]:
[00:17:05] It's keeping me overwhelmed and in paralysis. [00:17:07] And then having me scroll for three hours instead of these sounds are going to start haunting you. [00:17:13] But in a very good way. [00:17:16] Going about my day la dee Da dee da. [00:17:19] Trust me, that's going to be more effective in the long run. [00:17:22] But it feels too scary. [00:17:25] It feels like, no, I'm behind. [00:17:26] I need to catch up, so I got to go, go, go, go, go.
Jenna Free [00:17:29 - 00:18:12]:
[00:17:29] But I really want you to challenge that thinking, go. [00:17:31] Wait. [00:17:32] Maybe the go, go, go, go, go intensity is what's having me always feel behind. [00:17:39] And this work is complex, so these motivators will change the more you do this work. [00:17:44] I really wanted to lay that out there for you as, as some hope, because if that's what's keeping you stuck, I can't slow down because if I do, I'll become a lump. [00:17:55] I'm here to tell you, no, you won't. [00:17:57] You will become someone who can actually consistently live their life in a way where you're actually making choices, not just defaulting to compulsive behavior because your system is afraid. [00:18:10] It's like trying to keep you alive.
Understanding the Energy Drain of Dysregulation
Jenna Free [00:18:12 - 00:19:02]:
[00:18:12] So something really important to know is that being dysregulated, being in fight or flight, takes a lot of energy in and of itself. [00:18:21] So when we're kind of latched on to those motivators of fear, urgency, guilt, and shame, we think, well, this is the only thing that works, is the only thing that pushes me intensely enough to get moving. [00:18:33] But that is because we are in fight or flight. [00:18:36] When you're in fight or flight, it's draining your battery just to exist again. [00:18:43] Even if you do nothing all day, even if you're in bed all day, don't you sometimes go, like, how am I exhausted? [00:18:49] I haven't done anything today. [00:18:50] That is because your system is in fight or flight. [00:18:53] It takes energy, mental energy, and physical energy to be in fight or flight. [00:19:00] It is a state of being that's exhausting.
Jenna Free [00:19:02 - 00:19:30]:
[00:19:02] What sucks about that is you're exhausted and have not achieved anything. [00:19:07] It feels so much better and so much more fulfilling to be tired because you got a lot of shit done today. [00:19:16] And that might be you went and had fun with your friends. [00:19:18] That might be you went for a hike. [00:19:19] It doesn't mean, you know, capitalistic version of productivity all day. [00:19:24] It might mean, wow, I really lived today. [00:19:26] I really did a lot of the things I wanted. [00:19:28] There's nothing you need to do.
Jenna Free [00:19:30 - 00:20:25]:
[00:19:30] We'll have another discussion about that another day. [00:19:33] Because that's a whole mindset shift that going to help your regulation process. [00:19:37] So important to realize, oh, my existence is exhausting because I'm in fight or flight. [00:19:43] Hopefully that gives you even a little bit more motivation to regulate of like oh, me slowing down, me relaxing my body, me. [00:19:52] You know, coming back mentally to the present isn't going to screw me over. [00:19:56] It isn't going to have me be slower, it isn't going to make me less productive. [00:20:00] In fact, it is going to allow me to preserve my energy, to actually take action to do the things instead of all my energy going to thinking about the things to being exhausted just from being alive. [00:20:17] And I know it can feel that way and I know right now some people might just be like, oh, you know, I'm alright, but this isn't the greatest, I want to make some improvements.
Jenna Free [00:20:25 - 00:20:55]:
[00:20:25] But some people you might be like, holy shit, I am miserable. [00:20:33] I'm just keeping my head above water and I'm really, really, really unhappy and feeling so hopeless. [00:20:39] Being in survival mode will do that to you. [00:20:43] It is not your life that's doing that to you. [00:20:45] It's not, you know, your job that's doing that to you. [00:20:47] It's not inevitable. [00:20:49] That is the state that your body is in and that was not your choice. [00:20:54] That is not your fault.
Biology, Beliefs, and Pathways to Change
Jenna Free [00:20:56 - 00:21:52]:
[00:20:56] Your biology went into fight or flight to keep you alive, to protect you and let's thank it for that. [00:21:03] But it's not working anymore and we can change it now. [00:21:08] So as you move forward on your journey of regulation, I just want you to really sit with the beliefs that are coming up for you when you start challenging this stuff. [00:21:18] So say you're rushing and you're wanting to slow down or you can see that you're ruminating and you want to bring your mind to the present. [00:21:25] If there is something blocking you from even practicing that a little bit, we know there's some beliefs there that are fighting with the efforts you're making. [00:21:36] That belief may be, hey, if I'm not running from the bear, I'm going to be a useless blob. [00:21:42] That could be a belief that's present. [00:21:44] We want to be aware of that because we want to work on that and that is something we do in ADHD groups is we go through the nervous system regulation, we go through the beliefs and the thoughts.
Jenna Free [00:21:52 - 00:22:46]:
[00:21:52] We go through all our nothing thinking go through avoidance and urgency, all the different elements in more depth. [00:21:58] So of course I encourage you to join us on that endeavor. [00:22:01] But most importantly, I want you to start thinking from a different perspective. [00:22:09] What if my level of exhaustion isn't inevitable? [00:22:14] What if I don't have to feel like a bear is chasing me all the time in order to live life well, what if there's another way and I can Be productive and enjoy the journey. [00:22:28] Because honestly, what the hell is the point of all this? [00:22:32] Do we really think. [00:22:34] And I know you don't, but that's how we act, right? [00:22:36] We really act like our job on this earth is to check off the to do list until we die, and that's it. [00:22:43] That's how we're gonna live. [00:22:45] But that's right.
Jenna Free [00:22:46 - 00:23:38]:
[00:22:46] Dysregulation talking. [00:22:47] That's just survival mode. [00:22:49] If we really were to sit with it and go, what is the point of all this? [00:22:55] Most of the time when I ask groups this kind of question, when we get into kind of more like, but wait a minute, let's zoom out. [00:23:02] What is the purpose of all this? [00:23:05] The two main things I hear from people is connecting with my loved ones, spending time with people, connecting with people, something to do with, like, community, people, loved ones, that kind of human connection. [00:23:19] And the second common theme is enjoying the process. [00:23:23] You know, being here for the ride, enjoying the ride type of energy. [00:23:28] And you know what two things we cannot do when we're in fight or flight? [00:23:30] Connect with others and enjoy the present or enjoy the process because we are too worried about protecting ourselves. [00:23:36] We're too worried about just getting through the day.
Rest, Enjoyment, and the Benefit of Regulation
Jenna Free [00:23:39 - 00:24:05]:
[00:23:39] So you are going to miss opportunities where you can connect. [00:23:42] You are going to put your defenses up and block vulnerability and connection with others because you're trying to keep yourself safe. [00:23:49] Again, not on purpose. [00:23:51] You're not doing any of this because you're choosing to do it. [00:23:55] So it's not your fault. [00:23:57] And if you want it to change, you do have to put the work in. [00:24:01] You're the only one who can change it. [00:24:03] But it's not your fault that you're in fight or flight.
Jenna Free [00:24:05 - 00:24:56]:
[00:24:05] That was a biological response. [00:24:06] And then the second part is enjoying the process. [00:24:08] I'm sure you've seen that life is not very enjoyable when you're in fight or flight. [00:24:14] Even when you're trying to rest, even when you're, you know, on a date night, even when you're out with your friends, even when you're on vacation, it's still not that enjoyable because you are in fight or flight. [00:24:26] Fight or flight does not turn off because you're on the beach. [00:24:30] It doesn't turn off when you're out with your friends or at the movie theater. [00:24:34] It is on, and it is on chronically. [00:24:38] And that's why I'm so passionate about this approach to ADHD management, if you will, because not only is regulation going to allow you to be more productive, get out of paralysis you know, and be more of a nice, productive cadence to life, if you will.
Jenna Free [00:24:56 - 00:25:30]:
[00:24:56] But you also are going to be able to enjoy yourself when you choose to rest. [00:25:01] You're going to enjoy yourself more on vacation. [00:25:04] So if you are feeling hopeless right now, if you're feeling so frustrated, like, nothing's enjoyable, I'm feeling resentful. [00:25:10] Life freaking sucks. [00:25:12] I really want you to start challenging your thinking of, like, oh, that's not because of life itself. [00:25:17] It's not because of my circumstances even. [00:25:19] I understand that some of your circumstances may not be ideal, and we can work to change those. [00:25:24] But if you're dysregulated, it's gonna be very hard to change things when you're regulated, you're going to be much more able to make change in your life.
How Regulation Impacts Your Life Experience
Jenna Free [00:25:30 - 00:26:19]:
[00:25:30] But I want you to challenge this idea of, like, maybe my state of being changing would be the biggest effect on my life. [00:25:39] That's where we need to start, because that's what's going to make the biggest difference. [00:25:44] So as you go through your week, I'd love you just to observe what are the things that motivate me, and could I start seeing that from a lens of dysregulation? [00:25:52] Uh, that's why. [00:25:55] Because I'm in a state where the only thing that works is the bear chasing me. [00:26:00] And if you're practicing interrupting that dysregulation with the moment of regulation, you might need to soothe those beliefs of like, hey, it's safe to slow down. [00:26:10] I'm going to be okay. [00:26:12] You know, I'm not going to be a lump on a log. [00:26:16] If I let the bear go away, I'll be okay.
Jenna Free [00:26:19 - 00:26:53]:
[00:26:19] So some self talk might be. [00:26:21] Might be a part of this journey for you as well. [00:26:24] So thank you so much for being here today. [00:26:27] I'm so appreciative of you humoring these ideas, getting on board for this approach, even if you're just like, I don't know if I'm on board, but I am curious. [00:26:38] I'm so appreciative that you're here because this work is. [00:26:42] I personally think it's the answer. [00:26:44] It has been the answer for me as someone who was completely dysregulated for 32 years. [00:26:50] Maybe not since birth, but probably for 28 years.
Personal Transformation and Invitation
Jenna Free [00:26:54 - 00:27:40]:
[00:26:54] And now who is really prioritizing regulation? [00:26:58] This is the lens I see my life through, and I cope so much better. [00:27:02] I'm enjoying my life so much more, and I'm a lot more successful and productive all together. [00:27:07] That's why I love this work There is no downside. [00:27:11] There is no negative side effects. [00:27:14] Whether you're on meds or not, this work is going to add to it. [00:27:17] I am not a medication and I only say that not because it's so good, but because I have had a huge transformation in how I live my life and how I experience my life and my behavior solely due to this work. [00:27:32] I am not also on medication. [00:27:34] I have only done this stuff that I teach and I don't hide anything that I've done.
Jenna Free [00:27:41 - 00:28:26]:
[00:27:41] So this is what I do and it has completely transformed me and this is what I teach clients and they have had amazing transformations as well. [00:27:48] And that's what I'm all about, is transformation, not white knuckling change and working really hard to meditate every morning. [00:27:53] I'm here for transformation, meaning we're going to dig around inside enough and grapple with this stuff enough where something changes and it's. [00:28:03] It's really makes a huge difference. [00:28:05] So thank you so much. [00:28:05] If you want to get the written guide for regulation, you can grab that at the link in my bio. [00:28:13] Please rate and review the podcast that gives us more of a reach to more ADHD years so more people can consider this approach to things. [00:28:22] And please DM me at adhdwithjenna free on Instagram or TikTok if you have questions.
Jenna Free [00:28:26 - 00:28:38]:
[00:28:26] If this brings anything up for you, I would love to talk about it further. [00:28:29] I could just talk about this stuff all day because I'm so, so passionate about it and I know it is going to help you and your experience of life. [00:28:36] So thank you so much and we'll see you next week.